Monday, April 14, 2008

The Single Submissive - Addendum 2

Greetings all,

In my third part to the Single Submissive series there was a comment by reader about a rather common problem, namely a married female who discovers she is submissive, that her husband is not dominant, and further, that he is unwilling to let her search for her own path.

Does this happen frequently? I do not know. Certainly many married people commit adultery, for a wide variety of reasons. Often a woman's husband may think of her as frigid and un-responding, little knowing that in another's arms she burns with a need so fierce that she will beg for even the smallest touch. The man who arouses this passion in her may not even be aware that he is dominant. All he knows is that there are certain women he can easily seduce and control, and have them perform his every wish. To her husband she may appear to be cold, controlling, domineering, etc, while to her lover she is an eager slave.

It is probably true that most women who engage in extra-marital affairs are not deeply submissive, and if they are, probably are not even aware of the fact. OTOH - there is a percentage who through one means or the other (generally the Internet)discover the world of BDSM, and in particular determine that they are a submissive female.

My first suggestion, and my strongest one, is to be honest with ones spouse. Assuming that the relationship is built on love and trust, it seems obvious to me that the husband will want his wife to be happy, and in that context will offer his permission for her to explore the lifestyle. Above all, I always advocate honesty in relationships, having learned from hard experience the consequence of not doing so. Being honest will avoid a great deal of trouble down the line.

Yet I know some readers will tell me that this is simply not possible. On the one hand they feel a burning need to explore their submissive nature, while on the other hand they know their husband will not only reject their request, but may also become highly suspicious, thereby preventing any opportunity at all, which might have been possible if they had not said anything. I appreciate this perspective. Women may be reluctant to make D/s the breaking point of their marriage.

Segue: Though I sometimes wonder what would happen if they said to their mate: "John, I am going to do this thing. It is part of me which I must discover. I am telling you now so it is all out in the open. I hope you understand why I must do this. I am willing to accept the consequences if you do not agree." Such occurrences are probably rare, eh?

Assuming she does not do this, then there is only two options available. Either she chooses to do nothing about it (and suffers), or she will cheat on her husband (and probably suffer worse at some later point). I see no happy alternative.

Because, at the end of the day, a girl may not have two Masters.

I will write about this more in an upcoming blog.

Be seeing you,

The Single Submissive - Addendum 1

Greetings all,

I had two comments on the final part of my "Single Submissive" series. The first was posted as a public comment, while the second was sent to me privately. Both provoked some thought and so I thought I would make a small final addition to my notes on this subject.

The private email I received suggested that my final section of the series appeared to be written too quickly and without enough consideration. I thought about this comment a great deal, asking myself if the writer was correct.

It is true that I listed those things that, imo, would be the most commonly available outlets for the expression of a female's submissive nature. But upon further reflection, I asked myself if perhaps there was another, deeper, layer that had to be examined.

This led me to wonder about the spirit, or perhaps spirituality, of the female Submissive. Given my own experience in training/mentoring girls it seems obvious that the D/s relationship provides the Submissive with a level of satisfaction that is difficult, if not impossible, to obtain any other way (with the possible exception of religious service and even that would still be different). If this is the case, then it follows that there can be no substitute for a lifestyle relationship for the experienced submissive.

Simply put, she will either find a relationship, or she is likely to suffer some amount of emotional unbalance. The process of finding a partner is a topic for another blog entry. I will try to focus on the management of the suffering.

Buddhism teaches that life is filled with attachments, and that attachments are pain. By this, I believe what is meant is that it is inevitable that we shall form attachments in our lives, and the bond to these attachments will be, sooner or later, broken. When they are broken, there is pain.

So the first lesson in managing the suffering of single Submissive is an acknowledgement that there will be pain. Sooner or later the relationship will end, and there is nothing that can be done about that. I think that accepting this basic tenant might help to prepare the Submissive for the inevitable, and therefore perhaps more properly set her expectations.

Do some D/s relationships last forever? I am quite sure that some do. Some Dominants fall in love with their Submissive, marry them, and spend the rest of their days with them. Perhaps there are others where the Submissive joins an already existing D/s couple as a second girl, and this relationship could last many many years. But, otoh, many D/s relationships are much more temporary.

If there is a common refrain that I hear from many submissives, it is how they are waiting for the "One." The One is their Love Master, he who will see them for the full submissive/slave they are, take them for his own, and keep them forever. Some women become so fixated on this, that each new Dominant that comes into their life becomes their potential One. When it turns out not to be the case (as most often happens), they are terribly disappointed. It is true that some girls find their One, but in my experience more do not than do. Perhaps learning this will also help set expectations.

In addition, I think a Submissive would be wise to consider her health, age, finances, and other attributes which might make her more or less appealing to a Dominant. If a Submissive is set on trying to find the right dominant for her, she must understand what she has to offer, and within what context, to best determine who might find her of interest. For example, a 50 year old Submissive, regardless of experience, would probably not be of interest to a 30 year old Dominant for the purpose of a long term relationship.

So, it seems to me that the setting of expectations is critical in managing the degree to which the Submissive will suffer. She may fill her time with some of the activities that I mentioned in my last blog entry, but as mentioned, it is unlikely that any of these will really replace the deep spirituality of being at the feet of a Dominant. She must accept this.

Recently, a girl who I once trained became involved in an interesting project - the training of Dominant. This fellow was very new to the lifestyle, and really didn't know how to handle a Submissive. She signed a six month contract with man, agreeing to be his submissive, and teach him the ropes. In may senses it worked out quite well. He learned a great deal, and she obtained the satisfaction of not only doing an excellent job, but also giving her the opportunity to feel the D/s spirit which she had been longing for. Of course, the ending was rather difficulty, as one would expect, but still, for that six month period, things were going well.

Perhaps the experienced Submissive has a role to play in the development of new Dominants? I can tell you that, as a Dominant, trying to train another is quite a challenge. In this situation, men do not often wish to learn from other men. But they will learn from a woman.

Perhaps some enterprising Submissive female out there will take up the challenge and start a web site with the intent of linking single Submissives with newly emerging Dominant males. There is an interesting idea, eh?

Yet, no matter how I examine it, there are no easy answers for the single Submissive. In the final analysis, perhaps all I can offer is that the degree to which she chooses to suffer will be of her own making. She must be prepared in her heart to accept that she may never find her "One." Yet, at the same time she must be prepared to try and seek out partners to interact with, even though she knows the relationships may not be exactly what she is looking for, still she will try to find the worth in it, for the opportunity to experience the D/s dynamic.

She must be careful of course, and guard her heart. The best D/s relationships take a long long time to develop, there is nothing quick about them. The experienced Submissive is aware of this fact, and she must try to prevent herself from becoming too emotionally vulnerable too early in the relationship. This will be a challenge for her, since it is her nature to want to give everything. But she must not do this to soon.

And when the relationship ends, as most of them will, I think it is important for the Submissive to focus on the positive rather than the negative. By this I mean, to retain the good memories, the positive events, the happy times, and to let go of the negative moments as much as possible. By doing this, she builds a wonderful storehouse of good memories that may be a comfort during those periods when she is alone.

Hmmm.. this has gone on a good deal longer than I had intended, I think I will answer the public comment in another blog entry.

Be seeing you,

Friday, April 11, 2008

The Single Submissive - Part 3

Greetings all,

I began this series of notes on the Single Submissive with a brief discussion on the different classifications which I use. The second note examined the particular cases of the unprovoked and the newly awakened submissive. In this final note I will examine the much more complex issues facing the single, experienced Submissive.

The experienced submissive is a female who has learned to accept her nature, and one who has probably been involved in a D/s lifestyle relationship, or some sort of long term training/mentoring relationship. She has a keen understanding of the D/s process, not only from a theoretical perspective, but also from her own personal experience. From this she has learned the value of the D/s dynamic both in terms of how it satisfies, as well as how it brings her balance. It is therefore natural that she should seek a partner, even desperately crave one, who can provide the dominant energy she requires.

Sadly, it has been my experience that there appear to be many more submissive females out there, than there are powerfully dominant males to partner with them. There is a great deal of speculation as to why this may be the case (which perhaps is a topic for another blog entry) but for the purposes of this note it is simply enough to recognize that the experienced Submissive may have some difficulty finding a partner.

So, what can she do?

What follows then are some of my suggestions. I do not recommend them for everyone, nor do I suggest you try them. Rather, what I am saying is that these are things I have found have worked in the past for others, or things I have heard of which others claim have worked for them.

- The local scene: For some submissives, becoming involved in the local BDSM scene is has numerous advantages. It allows them to meet others who might potentially become their partners. It provides a community of others to whom they can share intimacies. It offers the opportunity to volunteer work (a form of service). It allows for a wide variety of “play” experiences which, if not the real thing, allow for the illusion to be created for some period of time.

- Community work: Volunteer work is an useful outlet for the submissive need to serve. This volunteer work can take on many forms, both secular or religious. A submissive can obtain a great deal of satisfaction from doing this sort of work.

- On-line relationships: While hardly near as satisfying as a real-world D/s relationship there is still value in an on-line D/s relationship. The boundaries of the relationship can be easily set, the partners do not need to be in the same location, and the submissive can be assigned a wide variety of tasks that will mostly satisfy her needs. However, the lack of physical contact is obviously a significant problem. While this may sometimes be alleviated by the occasional meeting, ultimately the submissive will need something more complete to satisfy.

- Creative pastimes: Be it writing, art, music, etc, there is no question in my mind that the submissive is filled with wonderfully creative energy. Finding a way to express this energy, assuming she is not in a lifestyle relationship, might be through the creative process. While this approach is more of a patch than a fix (given that it only lasts as long as the creative juices are flowing) it can be of some benefit.

So, there you have my list. If you are a single submissive perhaps you have some other ideas which you would like to share. Feel free to post them to the comment section.

Be seeing you,

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