The Making of a Dominant

Greetings,

The other day I was browsing the lists of threads on FetLife and came across a post by a 21 year female. She was saying that her “subbie” boyfriend wanted her to dress more “domie” for him and she was looking for advice.

On another thread a 31 year male, who called himself dominant wrote,

“I'm new at being a dominant and have asked my partner what he would like me to wear. However, what shouldn't I wear as a Dominant?”

Hmmm…

I was all set to write a rather scathing reply to both these posters, but held myself in check. In fact, I was rather proud of my restraint. After all, I am sure neither of these people were deliberately trying to be difficult or appear stupid. They probably really are interested in being pleasing to their partner.

Or perhaps clothes make the dominant?

These are not examples of what I would call an effective D/s relationship, but if it works for them, then why not, eh? After all, who am I to judge? Each to their own.

Still, it got me to thinking, is it possible to make a dominant? Is it possible to take someone who has never shown any signs of being dominant and somehow turn them into a dominant personality? Do switches become dominant when they take on the role of top?

Long time readers of this blog can probably guess at my first response. A dominant can not be made. Dominance is a quality of one’s nature, it is coded into one’s genes. One either is, or is not, dominant. That, more or less, should be the end of the matter.

Sadly, it is not.

My recent posting about Women I Have Known prompted a couple of comments. What was interesting about these responses was how they both spoke about the same thing,namely latent submissive females who were somehow provoked later on in life. IOW - women who never imagined themselves as being submissive suddenly being provoked and having no option but to accept their nature. Too, this is not unique. It has happened often in my various encounters with the women I have provoked. At some point the woman would turn to me and say she had no idea that she had been submissive. That her awakening had been a complete surprise. This has lead me to conclude that there are probably many other latent submissive females out there who have never been provoked, and sadly never will be.

Well then, if a female can be a latent submissive, is it possible for a male to be a latent dominant?

Now I have not mentored many couples but in those I have the male partner always started off with a desire to please his woman, and only later allowed his dominant nature to surface. In each case the man began by not really understanding what his partner was asking him to do. In the beginning it was certainly a case of "going through the motions" to try and spice up the relationship or something. I can appreciate why so many men, after years of social conditioning, are reluctant to take their hand, or a whip, to their woman's bottom. I can understand why a man would have difficulty accepting that his partner wants him to define his pleasure and enforce his will upon her through disciplines, rituals and structures.

Yet, in time, these men who I had a chance to mentor began to understand the D/s dynamic, and more, came to realize that they did have a dominant core that was more than able to take control of the relationship. Each was different of course, but they all shared something in common; a realization that they had their own power, they could express their power, and that it felt good, natural, and proper to do so.IOW - once they were freed of the social inhibitions which they had been chained to, they were very comfortable becoming fully realized dominant males. No, they were not all sadists. And no, they were not all interested in rope work, kinky sex, humiliation play, etc. No, what they shared was the sense of honesty, trust and responsibility in taking on the dominant role of their relationship.

To the best of my knowledge this has made them personally more balanced, and their relationships much stronger and more balanced as well.

In the end, perhaps what is required is some sort of wake up call for the dominant males out there. Something which will tell them it is okay to be themselves. Perhaps, like submissives, there are many latent dominants in the population, just waiting to be awakened.

Such a thought gives me a certain degree of comfort. Although it does beg the question as to how we can wake them all up. Something for another blog entry I suppose.

Be seeing you,

Women I have known

In my life I have known a few women.

I have known a woman, a very special and wonderful submissive, who so badly needed to be of service that she cried tears of remorse that she could not.

I have known a woman who abused her body for my pleasure, at the end of a phone, till she screamed in agony and frustration, awaiting my permission to release.

I have known a woman who sniffed at my shoes so she could cum. It was difficult for her to cum on her own unless she could worship my shoes. I didn’t even have to be present. Just having my shoes was enough for her.

I have know women who have been so terrified by their deep desire to submit that they acted dishonestly. Some of them, later, begged to be punished so that they might be forgiven.

I have known women who could only be provoked by me.

I have known other women who would happily spread their legs for anyone.

I have known still other women who would spread their legs for anyone, if they knew it would please me. Especially if I was watching.

I have known women who have submitted their bodies to my pleasure, knowing that they were going to hurt, yet willing to accept the suffering so they could be pleasing. More, they NEEDED to know that I was not considering there feelings in the least, when I used them in this manner.

I have known women to transform into the lowest of sluts, surprising even themselves in the intensity of their cravings, the heat of their burning, the terrible itch in their crotch that only a cock can satisfy. Women, who to anyone’s eye were lady-like and perfectly proper in their outward appearance, becoming whimpering sexual beasts, carnal creatures lost in an erotic rapture, willing to do anything, anything at all. Willing, promising, pleading to do things which they used to find repugnant and vile. Licking and sucking in manners not unworthy of a porn star.

I have seen women reveal their dark desire for pain. Not just being whipped, or spanked, or canned. Every woman I have known had a craving for such things. But there were other women, a much smaller percentage. These had other fantasies, other scenarios where their consent was removed, when there were no safe words, no limits. Deep terrible fantasies of torture, mutilation, and death. These women who were by any measure sane and rational begged me to let loose my own inner beast and let go the leash.

I have had women needfully plead to be humiliated. To be debased, demeaned, objectified, and then tormented. To be put in the mud and handled like animals. To be shown not a shred of consideration. Women with high self-esteem, and a strong wilful character express eternal gratitude to have their mouth used as my personal toilet.

And the ropes, how so very very very many of them crave the ropes. I think all of them have craved the ropes.

I know a woman, a successful professional female in her middle years who is wealthier than I shall ever be, who is always in charge of everything around her, claim that the only time she really feels herself is when she was on her knees in front of me, ready to serve at my pleasure. She will do anything and everything I ask of her.

Another woman I know, has vowed her slavery to me. We are both adults and are well aware that this is not a legal thing, but in all the ways that are meaningful, both good and bad, she is my slave, and I am her Master. I mostly treat her very well, but sometimes I do not. She has no choices. She is slave.

I admire and respect all these women. I do not claim to have a full understanding of why these things happen. Why and how I provoke them. Some of them I have never met in person. Some I have met only very rarely. Some I was able to provoke even before they heard the sound of my voice.

I know with certainty that out there in the rest of the world there are others like these women I have had the privilege to know. So while I consider each and every one of them to be unique, I also know that they share a common sisterhood with so many others. Which means there are other fellows out there, like myself, who seem to have this affect on certain women.

It is a strange and puzzling thing. I have my theories, the things I have spoken of in my blog to date, but really that is all they are – theories.

Happily, I do not have to understand it in order to enjoy it.

Be seeing you,

Tips and Guidelines for the Free Range Submissive

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Back after a spell - Status Update

Greetings all,

It has been about a month. I thought it was time for a status update, and also to get active here again with some blogging. I think blogging is a bit like radio broadcasting. Some broadcasters receive great amounts of feedback, others receive much much less.

When I was much younger I use to have a late show on my university’s radio network. Sometimes, when speaking into the mic, in an empty room, in the dead of night, I would wonder if there was anyone listening. Occasionally I’d get a phone call, but often it was the same person calling. Perhaps they were lonely, or perhaps they really enjoyed listening to my words, and the music I played. It was a strange ironic sensation of being exposed and isolated at the same instant.

Blogging is like that I think. Although I am a fairly certain that the readership of this blog is rather more than those who were my faithful listeners back on radio-u, I believe that it is still a rather limited group. Which is fine. I am really not that interested in consorting with that slut known as Fame. My sluts are far superior to anything she can offer.

Still, when I look at other blogs, those with much larger readership than mine, I can’t help but wonder at the topics that so many people seem to find so much interest in, and which interest me not at all. It makes me feel like an outsider at times. Happily, this thought does not discontent me.

IAE, I have been writing a great deal on FetLife as of late. Mostly in response to questions asked in a variety of threads. I have found that the questions and/or comments of others seems to motivate me to respond. More so than trying to develop new essays for my blog. While I still intend to keep my blog going, it is clear to me that, at least for the moment, I have been devoting much more of my writing time to FetLife. However, as I mentioned at the beginning, I am going to try and spend more time here over the next little while.

Speaking of writing, I have been a bit frustrated recently with my lack of fictional writing. It is not for lack of material though. I have at least 3 stories in various stages of completion, and ideas for at least two or three more. It would be easy to say that I simply haven’t had the time, but that would not be the truth. I just haven’t been doing it. Writer’s block? Somehow I don’t think so. I know what needs to be written. It is simply a question of doing it. Hopefully I will feel like doing it again rsn.

Still, even older stories can serve a purpose. I recently submitted some of my older stories to an editor looking for material for a print anthology. Too soon to get any response. We will see what happens.

sandra has mentioned to me on more than one occasion that she thinks it would be a great idea if I put all of my fictional and non-fictional material into a single printed volume. A couple of other people have agreed with her. While the thought of having “The collected writings of Mackenzie Cross” does stroke my ego, I don’t have the foggiest notion how one would even go about doing such a thing. Happily, it appears that there are a few people out there who are willing to lend some support. I will provide updates as things of significance occur.

While the spring ski season is upon us, my (other) work has picked up lately and I will probably be missing most of it. Too bad, but I could use the work. Besides, last year was one of the most amazing spring ski seasons ever, so an off year now does not bother me too much.

I have also been toying with the idea of building some BDSM-themed furniture. While I have built some simple tools like a spreader bar, etc, I want to try my hand at something more significant. I have decided that a cage would be a good thing to start with. I have been evaluating different plans and will probably get started once my current weeks on the road come to an end. I wish the cage to be functional, but also pleasing to look at, since I will be keeping it in my room.

It is good to have projects.

Be seeing you,

My Mentor's Ethical Code

Greetings all,

I have been quite active on FetLife as of late. Recently I began a number of threads on the BDSM Mentors forum. One of these threads raised the question of the ethic of a Mentor. Opinions were varied. (BTW - for those of you not members of FetLife I recommend it. For those of you who are, you probably have found my posts. If not, drop me a note and I will point them out).

Of course, it is somewhat futile to try and create an ethic for the entire community of BDSM mentors. There are just too many povs to accomdate. Therefore, I concluded that each mentor should develop their own. Which is what I have done.

Below is my first attempt. I will probably edit it over time, but I think it is not a bad place to start.

If you have any comments, let me know.

Be seeing you,

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A Mentor’s Ethical Code

My objective is to promote and protect, never to possess.

I shall not knowingly abuse or damage my protégé.

My nature is to develop and enhance the inherent submissive or dominant qualities in others. It is a satisfaction to be true to my nature.

Honesty is the foundation of the Mentor-protégé relationship.

I will trust my protégé to be honest in their interactions with me.

I will teach my protégé to use the information I impart to them in a responsible manner.

A protégé is a reflection of their mentor. Therefore, I desire my protégé to be the best they can be and to behave in a manner which creates a favourable impression of the time they have spent with me.

I will decide who to accept as a protégé and when I will accept them. A protégé may leave at any time. I reserve the right to terminate the relationship as well.

My compensation for my time will be varied and depend on the individual situation of my protégé. However, the crux of my compensation is in the satisfaction of my nature.

A protégé is entitled to be aware of those areas of my character that will have a direct baring on our relationship.

A protégé is entitled to express their feelings at any time, so long as this is done in a respectful manner.

It is one of my tasks as a mentor to create a framework foundation for any submissive who I take on in formal relationship. This framework will (generally) not be changed once set.

Sex, and sexual-oriented activities, may or may not be part of the mentoring relationship. A protégé will always be informed in advance when this is to occur.

A protégé may ask any relevant questions of me, as long as it is done in a respectful manner. While my replies may be brutal and direct in their honesty, I will try and temper them with sensitivity.

I will not interfere with the private domestic lives of my protégé. My domain is solely that of dominant/submissive relationships and related topics.

I am not perfect. I am not a paragon. I make mistakes. Even with the best of intent I will act in a manner that is not consistent with my ethic. I will do my best to avoid this, but I accept that it is inevitable.

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Sadistic pleasures?

Greetings,

A little while ago rose asked the following question in a comment she left:

>> rose: but i have disgressed. the reason i am writing this is to ask a question regarding this post. you speak of a submissives, without a masochistic tendency, to withstand pain, in order to please her dominant. i can understand that. what i am interested in is the dominants point of view. how does it feel for a dominant to inflict pain upon a submissive that he knows does not enjoy it. i imagine it would be an incredible feeling. of her giving. of the connection.

but, let's take a dom with a sadistic streak. would he be able to do it again and again over time? or would he maybe start to feel uncomfortable? would knowing she is not getting any physical pleasure put a damper on it eventually? doms are, after all, human.<<

Before I answer I think it is important to clarify the phrase “how does it feel for a dominant to inflict pain upon a submissive that he knows does not enjoy it”. As I have mentioned, there are submissives who will endure much to please their dominant. They accept harsh treatment since it pleases their dominant, and in doing so they satisfy their own nature. However, this is still a consensual relationship. I want to make sure we are clear on this matter.

Too, I also want to be clear that it is not always a trait of a dominant to inflict pain. That is the domain of the sadist. And while it is true that many dominants are also sadist this is far from a universal truth. Therefore it would be more appropriate for you to ask how does a sadist feel doing these things.

In a word, it feels good.

IMO – it is the nature of the sadist to become aroused through the infliction of pain. As long as the girl consents, then the sadist will enjoy himself (though sadly it is true that there are those who enjoy the infliction of pain withoiut consent, but that is another sort of person). True, there is a special feedback when dealing with a masochist of quality, but there is also a unique pleasure which comes from knowing that the girl is enduring this treatment simply out of her need to serve.

Or, in the words of the famous song writer Jimmy Pop; “The lap dance is always better when the stripper is crying.”

I remember well the first time I took a girl in her ass knowing that she would not enjoy it, and that it would cause her suffering. It was quite thrilling. I used her hard and with little mercy. Afterward, she told me that while it hurt, it had also been exhilarating for her. Not in a sexual way, but rather a form of mental/emotional satisfaction from being used without regard to her own feelings. She thrilled to the idea of simply being used for the pleasure of another.

This is quite a bit different than using a masochist who is aroused by pain. The sadomasochist interaction dynamic is therefore quite a bit different than that of a submissive who craves service. Both have there place. I have no preference between the two since they are quite different in the particular pleasure they provide me.

So, as a sadist would I keep on doing something that I knew she did not enjoy? Yes, I would. However, wearing my dominant hat, I might find it a challenge to do things to a girl that I knew she did not enjoy. Punishment is one thing that comes to mind as an example.

As far as the pleasure (or the lack thereof) she would derive from the experience this is secondary. I consider my own pleasure paramount. Once a girl gives her consent, I do things to satisfy my pleasure. I know that she will be satisfied so long as I am uncompromising in her use.

Be seeing you,

Keeping a submissive flame buring hot

Greetings,

A little while ago a reader who identified herself simply as "a girl" asked the following question:

Just what is the process a dominant man can use to keep the submissive flame burning hot?

Firstly, I believe that the maintenance of the D/s relationship is a two way street. In the same way that power flows between the Dominant and the Submissive so to the conduit that carries that energy (i.e. the relationship) requires ongoing maintenance and renewal.

For the Dominant this can take a number of forms. For myself, I am a great believer in formality in a D/s relationship. WHile I try not to be too stuffy about it I feel that one of the ways that a girl recognizes that she is in a special sort of relationship with me, and that I do not view her as I would other women, is because of the overt formality in how I interact with her. This can include tone of voice, the way disciplines are enforced, careful attention to the tasks being performed by the Submissive, etc. I think formality is a good idea because it requires that the Dominant be aware of what he is doing at all time.

Of course, formality is not the only option. There are many others. For example, one may require a Submissive to perform certain rituals or disciplines of gratitude not only when they are given a task, but even when they are on their own. One may require the submissive to ask permission for simple acts such as going to the bathroom, eating, or even requesting permission to masturbate. All of these will act as an ongoing reinforcement of the girl's submission. One may also ratchet up the volume by keeping a girl in a collar 24/7, or having her tattooed, etc. In this manner she is very much aware of who she belongs to.

Some girls have told me that even performing domestic mundane chores can reinforce their sense of submission. Doing the laundry, preparing a meal, cleaning his room, etc, all of these take on special meaning when they must be performed in a certain manner, and she knows he will check up on her later on.

The key is to check up. As I have said in the past, if the dominant does not take his responsibility seriously, and is not willing to check on her work, making sure it is done properly and to his satisfaction, then there is every chance that she will soon feel neglected and the sub fever will burn at a lower intensity. In certain cases it can even be quenched.

The submissive also has a role to play if she wants to keep herself running hot and needy. She must apply herself to her tasks and disciplines. She must place herself in front of her Dominant for his examination and approval. She must not take his choices away. She must try and cultivate a mindset that keeps her in a submissive space. She must bring her issues and concerns to her Dominant. She must be ready to express both her needs, and also her fears.

I have written of these things before. There is no magic formula, no silver bullet. A D/s relationship is maintained with hard work on both sides, courageous honesty, deep trust, and a sense of the spiritual. If one partner feels like something is fading then they have a responsibility to open up there mouth and tell the other person. Otherwise, things will fall apart.

Happily, while it does require work to keep a D/s relationship going, the work is not so onerous. After all, it should really not be that big a deal to break out the ropes every now and then, bind your girl into something tight and exposing, and have your way with her, should it?

Like a pet, a submissive needs looking after. Treat her well, and she will stay loyal, hot, and eager to please.

Be seeing you,