Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Self-Control Considered Sexy


Over the years many submissive women have given me some idea of what they find sexually attractive in a man. Interestingly, their notion of sexiness seems to change over time. In the beginning, they mostly look at physical appearance. In particular, they are attracted to men who are both tall and powerfully built. This makes sense to me since size can often convey a sense of dominance. I call this sort of attraction the “Biker Appeal” since more often than not these women seem to be attracted to the whole biker mystique – bad boys who do what they want, when they want, without giving a fuck about anyone else. In fact, the fantasy of being gang-raped by a biker gang is quite common (or so it seems…I have heard it more than a few times).

As the female submissive develops, she slowly comes to realize that this sort of appeal is only skin deep, and that physical size alone does not guarantee that a man will be dominant. In fact, there is probably no correlation at all. Hence, imo, there are many failed relationships, as the submissive discovers she needs more than an appearance of dominance, and ultimately she goes looking for it elsewhere.

At this point, there are many directions she can go in search of someone who can satisfy her need to submit. Some may look for experienced “players” whom they find at the various BDSM parties and conventions. Others may get recommendations from friends. Others look for it via an online experience on websites such as Second Life. There are many ways to go, each with their pros and cons, in the search for a dominant partner.

In my own case, many women have told me that they find intelligence to be sexy (which is a good thing since I don’t look anything at all like a biker!). I understand this as well. Since sexual arousal is so much of a mental thing, it makes sense that intelligence could be viewed as being sexy, particularly when that intelligence can be used to both provoke the submissive response as well as keep a girl in her place.

Of course, I have also been told that my voice is quite sexy as well. If you want to find out for yourself if this is true, try downloading a recording of me reading one of my stories. Then you can decide for yourself.

So there appears to be many things women find sexy in men. I would like to suggest another that I feel is particularly appropriate when it comes to a D/s relationship, namely self-control. By this I mean the ability of the male Dominant partner to avoid reacting impulsively, to control his emotions instead of the other way around, and to never allow any behavior on the part of the submissive to cause him to lose control of his responses.

In other words, someone a submissive can trust, not only to control her, but to control himself as well.

Why is this sexy? Well, firstly, what would be the major concern that any submissive might have during even the briefest of sessions with a Dominant? I would suggest it would be trust. After all, if you are going to consent to be bound, restrained, and placed in a fully vulnerable and open position, you would probably want some assurance that you were in the hands of someone you could trust to be responsible.

Beyond this, many of the masochistic Submissives I have met have a special fantasy about provoking their Dominant to lose control. I call this “playing with fire”. They know it is dangerous, and yet they do it. It has to do with a desire to see the inner beast in their Master. In most cases this would be a bad idea, but it doesn’t stop them from trying. Here we can see self-control is sexy because a) they can play their provocation games as much as they want in complete safety and b) they find it very stimulating to keep trying to do so.

Self-control is also sexy because it conveys a sense of discipline, which is generally always attractive to a submissive.

Also, in the same way that there is something sexy about a naked bound girl at the feet of a well-dressed man (suit and tie, of course), so too there is something very sexy about a girl screaming out of control as she is being worked, while her partner stays cool, calm and aloof. Or so I have been told.

And here is the crux of the matter: while things like appearance, voice, and intelligence may be sexy, these qualities are not unique to D/s. Self-control, otoh, while important in vanilla relationships, is absolutely critical in the Dominant partner of a D/s relationship.

Which is why I believe that self-control is very sexy indeed.

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