Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Submission vs. Escape

Greetings all,

I have often heard submissives speak of the “freedom of the ropes" or the “freedom of the chains.” They speak of a loss of responsibility when held captive in bondage, and how this allows them to simply respond to whatever stimulus is applied, without having to be concerned with their response. Quite literally, they are held in the moment.

But is freedom of the ropes a true submission, or is it simply a desire to escape the roles and responsibilities of our daily life? For that matter, is the deeply submissive female really being true to her nature, or is she simply seeking a path that will allow her to run away from the stresses and tensions which are an integral part of our existence? The seduction of having all decisions made by another, and only have to do what one is told will obviously appeal to some segment of the population. How then can we tell if the person is actually submissive by nature, or looking for a way to avoid some of the more stressful aspects of daily life?

I believe that the difference can be found in the behaviour of the person on question, by examining their behaviour both within and without a D/s relationship. The true well-balanced submissive will be able to exist in either environment, though she will have an obvious preference to be within a D/s relationship. The female looking to escape will be unable to exist in either environment. She will find the stress of life in a non-D/s relationship something she wishes to escape from, yet at the same time she will find the boundaries and frameworks of the D/s relationship to be confining and threatening. Whatever is motivating her need to escape she will not find the answer with a D/s lifestyle, although she may find temporary relief in the occasional scene.

To be successful a female submissive must be well-balanced, self-assured, and filled with self-esteem. Of course this is not easy. Events will often conspire to make her doubt herself, and her sense of worth. For those who seek a partner and can not find one, this self-doubt can be a challenge. Yet, in her deepest heart she knows nature, and has not only accepted it, but also the consequences of accepting it. Ultimately, she must realize that with or without a partner, she will persevere.

The female who is simply seeking to escape does not, cannot, have this inner confidence. She still does not know who she is, and therefore can not find any place which suits her for more than a short period of time. Until she can confront her fear (whatever that is), it will be difficult for her to move forward. Dealing with these issues, in part, is what mentoring is about for the unawakened submissive female.

Be seeing you,

Friday, June 20, 2008

Playing, Owning, Mentoring

Greetings all,

A dominant fellow I know sent me an email the other day. He was considering the idea of mentoring a girl. It is not as if he is desperate for a women, he has a lovely little piece of submissive female flesh at his disposal. In fact, she is the one who suggested he consider the idea.

She is a good girl, always looking for a way to be pleasing to him.

IAE – he knows that I have mentored a few girls in my time and wrote to me to ask about my experiences and to ask a few questions.

This was part of my reply. I have done some editing so it will make sense here.

It is very important that you appreciate the difference between mentoring a female, owning a second female, and simply playing with other females.

Playing with another girl is generally not a problem, so long as everyone is aware that it is playing and that nothing is really hidden. The trick here is to make sure that playtime, does not become an affair. The new girl will want more and more of your time, and you will have to keep her in her place. Too, you will need a way to assure your current girl that the new girl is only a toy, and nothing more. This can be accomplished in a variety of ways. My general rule of advice to stay safe here, is to make sure that the girl you wish to play with is experienced, that she understands the boundaries, and knows what it means to be a plaything.

Owning another girl is a very different thing. To do such a thing would require that you and your current girl are very tight with each other, since it will be a challenge for her to accept. Not impossible, but difficult. Unless you are really certain you wish to own a second female, with all the responsibilities such a thing entails, then I would advise you to be careful. While it is possible to own more than one girl at a time, it can also be a real challenge. It looks good on paper, but the reality is often quite different.

Mentoring is quite a bit different from either playing or ownership. Mentoring is about developing a submissive, and helping her to accept herself. It is time consuming, intense, and challenging. The reward is not ownership, but the self-gratification of helping another find their path. It is not about sex, or about having other females around the house. True, I have had sex with many of the girls I have mentored, in part as a payment for my efforts, but mostly to help the girl develop, since to my way of thinking no submissive can be considered truly developed until her inner slut has been released. How this can be done varies from girl to girl. And as I said, such sex can be quite enjoyable and pleasing, but it can not be the OBJECTIVE of the mentoring.

Most importantly a mentor must always remember that while he promotes and protects the girl under his control, he is always aware that he must never possess her. IOW - he should be aware that most girls will want to attach very closely to their mentor. Sometimes they will even fall in love with their mentor. Setting the right expectations early is critical. In fact, I sometimes believe that by setting such ground rules early, and keeping to them, the mentor helps to build the trusting relationship so critical to the development of the submissive.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Some thoughts on Trust in the D/s Dynamic

Greetings all,

In earlier posts I have written about the three pillars on which a D/s relationship is based. For the dominant these are honesty, trust and responsibility. For the submissive they are honesty, trust and obedience. The asymmetrical nature of these pillars are a reflection of the D/s dynamic, equal but different.

Honesty is fairly straightforward. One either is, or is not, honest. I see no middle ground. Honesty is not truth, honesty is only the way one perceives truth, which is a very different thing. Honesty does not mean that one must disclose everything, only that when one does speak it is done honestly.

Responsibility I have spoken about at length in others posts. Obedience is also fairly straightforward, though I should mention that obedience is no excuse for stupidity. Just because you are told to do something stupid does not mean you. That is why the submissive’s requirements for obedience is counterbalanced by the dominant’s requirement to be responsible.

And then there is trust.

What is trust? For me, to trust another is to become vulnerable. When we trust, it means we have faith that the other will not use what we have given them in a harmful or maladaptive manner. To trust means to reveal these vulnerabilities, or assets, knowing that there is a danger, yet accepting it.

To trust someone in one thing, does not mean that one will trust them in all things. I might trust my doctor to give me a proper medical diagnosis, but I would hardly trust him/her to look after my finances. Therefore trust is not all encompassing, it is selective.

Trust is also a process. It does not spring fully formed. Trust is built in layers from our interactions with others. We develop a sense of the trustworthiness of another by first trusting them with small, inconsequential things, before we reveal larger, more serious things. This process takes time.

Why is trust so critical to the D/s dynamic? To my way of thinking it is because D/s deals with some of the most intimate, private and personal of things. Too, so many people feel reluctant to even admit that they have D/s oriented thoughts. Such a revelation in itself requires a fair amount of trust. But beyond this, the submissive must trust the dominant to do what is best. Lacking the right to make any of their own decisions, the submissive places their trust in the dominant to make good choices, assist in their development, not abuse them, be honest and responsible, etc.

If the trust does not exist then it is impossible for a solid relationship to be built.

This need for trust is why I make most submissives wait so long before I will accept them into a formal relationship. They must be prepared to offer me their trust and this can not be done when we still do not know each other very well. And I must learn to trust them, that they will bring their issues to me and that they will behave in a manner in keeping with my expectations.

Those involved in more mundane (vanilla) relationships can probably get by without the same degree of trust (though it won’t be so much fun), but to not have trust in a D/s relationship, and in a Mentor/submissive relationship in particular, is to invite terrible disaster. The Mentor is part therapist, part dominant, part Master, part confidant, etc. It is not possible to develop the submissive without the trust being present. It is not possible to own/master/dominate a submissive without trust being present.

Worse, when the trust is broken (even if it is only the perception of it being broken), the consequences to the relationship are often catastrophic and irrevocable. As it is, most submissives begin feeling somewhat sensitive about their newly discovered nature. They do not want anyone to know (not friends, not family, etc). All of their life they have been conditioned to believe that to be submissive is wrongful, shameful, bordering on sinful. Then they trust someone (a dominant) with their true nature. They are concerned if their trust in the other is warranted. The same applies to a dominant extending his trust to the submissive, for many associate dominance with sadism, which is not really well looked upon in our society.

Having said all this, I must also acknowledge the difficulty that exists in creating and maintaining these trusting relationships, in particular when one is dealing with someone through the imperfect medium of the Internet. That is why it is so important to move slowly, to develop the trust in thin layers, and not to try and run before one can crawl.


Back after some thinking

Greetings all,

Well, it has been some time since my last entry and I suppose that deserves an explanation.

Over the last few months I have had what my best be described as a “crises of faith” with respect to my online D/s-oriented writing. Simply put, has all of this effort on my part done any good at all?

I use to have a web site, which I paid for myself (but which I had a great deal of help in creating and maintaining), that was devoted to both fictional and non-fictional aspects of D/s. I kept the site going for close to three years and in the end I closed it because it was not attracting the attention I had hoped for. This led me to consider writing a blog as perhaps a better way to outreach.

But coming up with something new and different to write about every day proved to be a challenge. More so, since I was not really getting a great deal of feedback. Yes, I was getting some comments from some readers, but by and large these have been people I have known for quite some time. Frankly, I was hoping to pick up some new readership, and after two months of posting every day, I didn’t see it.

At the same time as all of this was going on I began to question the value of the online mentoring work I have been doing. I have always felt that to properly mentor/advice/train a submissive one needed to be able to do so in a hands-on sort of way. For a variety of reasons I have tried over the last seven years or so to see if it was possible to mentor submissives over the Internet, with the occasional phone call. My initial reaction was that perhaps it was indeed possible to help submissives develop in this manner, but recent events made me question my assumptions, I seemed to be doing more harm than good.

Finally, there were events going on in my private life that required my direct attention, and this was taking time away from my online life. There were not enough hours in the day for me to do both.

One of the first online activities to be cut was writing in my blog.

Have I missed the writing? I suppose the answer is a qualified yes. I enjoy writing, both fiction and non-fiction but I have found that I need some inspiration to decide what it is I should write about. Normally, for non-fictional writing, this has come from the questions and comments of others. Lacking that, I tend to find I have much less to say.

But, some events over the last few days have compelled me to start writing again. How long will it last? I do not know. But I will give it another try, and see what happens.

So, for any of you who have been waiting for more of my ramblings… I’m back.


Cross Purposes via RSS. Subscribe now!

Lijit Search