Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Long-lived triads

Long lived triads

A common sexual fantasy for many men and women is “the threesome”. While the composition of participants may vary, the fantasy itself is generally the same – an evening of sexual delight and bliss exploring erotic positions and activities not achievable with only two participants. There is no need to detail the myriad of possible combinations. The porn industry and your own overactive imagination have done a much better job of developing the taxonomy of these threesomes than I ever will.

Yet for many who actually have the opportunity of being with two other partners at the same time, the reality of the experience is often far less erotic and sensual than their fantasy. IMO – much of this has to do with the fact that many of us find it a challenge to be perfectly at ease when there are three participants. Sex is intimate and personal, and when there is an emotional mismatch between the participants (i.e. if I am very close to one partner but not the other) it becomes a challenge to maintain a balance.

Many, if not most, threesomes are comprised of a couple and a “third wheel”. The couple may be involved in a long term relationship and might simply be looking for a third person to add a little “spice” to their sexual activities. This is not generally a problem if the threesome will only be together for a single night, but what if a longer-term relationship is being considered? Such a possibility represents a potential minefield of emotional and sexual dangers. Given the current rates of divorce, one can only assume that the addition of a third party, and the increased complexity of the social dynamics, will make the viability of the relationship very difficult indeed. For example, one party may feel jealousy, another might feel envy, another might feel insecure, another may feel alienated, etc. So while the sex may be great, the potential emotional damage is substantial, so much so that I believe most people avoid even the discussion of a triad in the context of a long-term commitment.

Even in polyamorous relationships these complexities are rampant. And while we don’t really have any statistics to help us understand how well these relationships work out, I can’t help but feel that most of them do not succeed, or do not reach their full potential.

Of course, some threesomes (and moresomes) do succeed. Certain religions allow for polygamy, which at least superficially gives the illusion of long-term viability. But even here I suspect there are many issues and problems. We just don’t get to see them. Or, put another way, when any of the participants in such a relationship feel trapped, it is nonetheless likely they will stay in the relationship, even if they are not being satisfied by it.

It sounds as if the deck is seriously stacked against any threesome (or triad) succeeding. Very few of them ever make it past the first one-night stand, and even when they do, it is mostly about sex.

My belief is that the D/s dynamic may hold the key to making this sort of relationship work. The nature of a D/s relationship seems to provide the ethical and behavioral foundations on which to base a viable and long-lasting triad.

Segue: I prefer to use the word triad, rather than threesome. As I explained in my previous blog entry, I define a triad as three people that work as a unit. I believe this best describes the sort of relationship I am speaking about.

Those who have read my writings know that I consider honesty, trust, and obedience to be the critical requirements I demand from a Submissive and that for a Dominant I consider honesty, trust, and responsibility to be critical.

Obedience on one side, responsibility on the other. Can these somehow provide guidance to making a triad successful? Beyond this, can the Submissive’s desire to serve and be found pleasing, and the Dominant’s desire to control and develop, somehow provide a solid framework on which a triad can flourish? Good questions. I will let you know as soon as I find out! However, what I can tell you, based on my experiences to date, is that the answer to both questions seems to be “Yes”.

The Submissive will obey, which means that she will stay in the triad even at the cost of her own emotional well-being. This must therefore be balanced by the responsibility of the Dominant to protect the Submissive, which can be a challenge (as in my case) if the triad consists of two Submissives and a single Dominant. Firstly, there is a natural desire to enjoy the service of two females. The sexual possibilities become broader, and of course there is the ego gratification of having two beauties at one’s disposal. Also, it is possible that the Dominant may become obsessive about the new female, and therefore become less sensitive to the emotional state of the other girl.

Vigilance is therefore mandatory. As the primary control in the relationship, the Dominant cannot allow his desire to overcome his responsibility. Difficult decisions may be required; decisions that may not please him, but still must be taken. At a minimum he needs to maintain a constantly open and honest communication with both Submissives. This will be a challenge for all parties. The payoff will not only be a more viable relationship, but the service of two girls who can focus all of their attention on being pleasing, rather than being distracted by negative energy and thinking.

Balance is also critical. Each participant will have different needs and desires. Often these will be in conflict and satisfying them may seem impossible. Yet, it can be done. The key seems to be in allowing empathy to develop between the participants. Each must recognize the needs of the other, and in so doing, be willing to make compromises. Compromise is inevitable, but the Dominant must be aware that the Submissives may appear to accept the compromise when in reality all they are doing is trying to please him at the expense of their own emotional well-being. Again, open communication is the key to avoiding this pitfall.

Bottom line: It is now my belief that long-lived triads are viable. They can be made to work, but it requires dedication, trust, empathy and understanding. Furthermore, I believe that the D/s lifestyle may provide an excellent foundation for the creation of viable triads, but the responsibility for their maintenance is mostly in the hands of the Dominant(s). For those seeking to achieve this balance they must be prepared for a fair amount of emotional challenges before balance is achieved, but there is a tremendous payoff when it does.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me directly.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Back after the summer break

Greetings all,

It has been some time since my last post. I have been wondering at my lack of motivation, since in the past I seemed to devote so much of my time to online writing, both here and in my personal communications. I suspect that part of the reason has to do with FetLife, where I spend much more time nowadays, but there are other reasons as well. For example, I am not currently mentoring anyone. In the past, I have found that mentoring tended to provoke or challenge me to address various topics in D/s, which provided the fodder for this blog. And while I have spent a fair amount of time over the last year in training a particular female, this has been for my own personal pleasure and therefore not really anything I felt I need to share. Beyond this, between my slave and my pet I have been rather occupied. Two girls can keep a fellow busy, which means less free time for posting.

Still, I can't help but notice that it has been over two months since my last entry, which is really too long.

(BTW - if any of you have any suggestions for topics you would like me to write about, or if you would like to share some of your own writing, contact me via email).

Speaking about training, I am happy to report that my rope work continues to improve. I have been devoting a fair amount of time to studying some of the more classical shibari ties and trying to emulate them with decent success. I have also been busy in the workshop and have built a nice whipping post, a wooden pony, plus mounted a beam in my basement for suspension work. If you would like to see some photos, head over to my FetLife profile page to see some examples of the sort of things I am doing. Very enjoyable, and fairly intense work.

I am also happy to report that I have received a fair amount of positive feedback con my first audio file "Destiny". So much so that I have decided to record another, probably longer one in the very near future. I even have some ideas for some free style, improv recordings which might prove interesting.

In other news, I have the bits and pieces of about three new stories which I have been working on. My problem has been finding the time, and motivation, to complete them. Again, I believe that the real world has been consuming much of my efforts and motivations lately, leaving little time for the writing of fiction. However recently I have noticed a growing desire on my part to sit down and write again so perhaps I will get back to these tales in the near future.

On the downside I believe my interest in mentoring and teaching has diminished a bit because of my activity on FetLife. Frankly, I am coming to the conclusion that the BDSM community in general, and those interested in a D/s lifestyle in particular, have too many different perspectives, too many different ways of seeing their relationships, for consensus ever to be possible. IOW - everybody is always right. Frankly I find this totally inclusive attitude (ie - "its all good if you are enjoying yourself") rather difficult to deal with. Perhaps I am getting too set in my ways?

But iae - this morning I do find myself with some things to write about and so I shall.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Self-Control Considered Sexy


Over the years many submissive women have given me some idea of what they find sexually attractive in a man. Interestingly, their notion of sexiness seems to change over time. In the beginning, they mostly look at physical appearance. In particular, they are attracted to men who are both tall and powerfully built. This makes sense to me since size can often convey a sense of dominance. I call this sort of attraction the “Biker Appeal” since more often than not these women seem to be attracted to the whole biker mystique – bad boys who do what they want, when they want, without giving a fuck about anyone else. In fact, the fantasy of being gang-raped by a biker gang is quite common (or so it seems…I have heard it more than a few times).

As the female submissive develops, she slowly comes to realize that this sort of appeal is only skin deep, and that physical size alone does not guarantee that a man will be dominant. In fact, there is probably no correlation at all. Hence, imo, there are many failed relationships, as the submissive discovers she needs more than an appearance of dominance, and ultimately she goes looking for it elsewhere.

At this point, there are many directions she can go in search of someone who can satisfy her need to submit. Some may look for experienced “players” whom they find at the various BDSM parties and conventions. Others may get recommendations from friends. Others look for it via an online experience on websites such as Second Life. There are many ways to go, each with their pros and cons, in the search for a dominant partner.

In my own case, many women have told me that they find intelligence to be sexy (which is a good thing since I don’t look anything at all like a biker!). I understand this as well. Since sexual arousal is so much of a mental thing, it makes sense that intelligence could be viewed as being sexy, particularly when that intelligence can be used to both provoke the submissive response as well as keep a girl in her place.

Of course, I have also been told that my voice is quite sexy as well. If you want to find out for yourself if this is true, try downloading a recording of me reading one of my stories. Then you can decide for yourself.

So there appears to be many things women find sexy in men. I would like to suggest another that I feel is particularly appropriate when it comes to a D/s relationship, namely self-control. By this I mean the ability of the male Dominant partner to avoid reacting impulsively, to control his emotions instead of the other way around, and to never allow any behavior on the part of the submissive to cause him to lose control of his responses.

In other words, someone a submissive can trust, not only to control her, but to control himself as well.

Why is this sexy? Well, firstly, what would be the major concern that any submissive might have during even the briefest of sessions with a Dominant? I would suggest it would be trust. After all, if you are going to consent to be bound, restrained, and placed in a fully vulnerable and open position, you would probably want some assurance that you were in the hands of someone you could trust to be responsible.

Beyond this, many of the masochistic Submissives I have met have a special fantasy about provoking their Dominant to lose control. I call this “playing with fire”. They know it is dangerous, and yet they do it. It has to do with a desire to see the inner beast in their Master. In most cases this would be a bad idea, but it doesn’t stop them from trying. Here we can see self-control is sexy because a) they can play their provocation games as much as they want in complete safety and b) they find it very stimulating to keep trying to do so.

Self-control is also sexy because it conveys a sense of discipline, which is generally always attractive to a submissive.

Also, in the same way that there is something sexy about a naked bound girl at the feet of a well-dressed man (suit and tie, of course), so too there is something very sexy about a girl screaming out of control as she is being worked, while her partner stays cool, calm and aloof. Or so I have been told.

And here is the crux of the matter: while things like appearance, voice, and intelligence may be sexy, these qualities are not unique to D/s. Self-control, otoh, while important in vanilla relationships, is absolutely critical in the Dominant partner of a D/s relationship.

Which is why I believe that self-control is very sexy indeed.

Monday, May 31, 2010

The other side of jealousy

The Other Side of Jealousy

In my last blog entry, I discussed the topic of jealousy as viewed/experienced by the Dominant. One of the comments I received in response used an example of the submissive experiencing jealousy towards her Dominant, which made me consider the other side of the coin. Like many things in D/s relationships, jealousy is experienced asymmetrically. Of course, in both cases I consider the root cause of jealousy to be insecurity, but the way it manifests in a Dominant is quite a bit different than the way it manifests in a submissive. And much of this boils down to a question of choice.

Simply put, the Dominant is the one who gets to choose whether or not to share the girl. Therefore, even if he chooses not to address the issue of his jealousy, he can stay protected by simply making sure that no one other than himself gets to enjoy the service of his partner. IOW - even if he is jealous he can make the problem go away (at least for awhile) by simply making sure that she is never in a position to be used by anyone else.

But in most cases, the submissive does not have this choice. If her partner wishes to try another submissive there is little she can do to stop him, short of ending the relationship (or perhaps threatening to do so). Of course, here I am assuming that the couple has NOT negotiated monogamy as part of their relationship.

True, she could rant, rave, scream, cajole, etc., in an effort to get him to change his mind, but many Dominants do not react well to such behavior on the part of their submissives. Therefore, this sort of technique will rarely work.

It seems to me that some other strategy might be required. But before we get into that, let us try to identify the reasons why a Dominant might seek out a second submissive.

1) He might find it pleasing. Enough said about that.

2) He might be curious. Perhaps he would like to try a threesome for the first time.

3) He might wish to further develop his girl. Perhaps he feels she is a latent bi-sexual, or perhaps he feels watching another girl serve him will teach her some valuable techniques.

These are mostly positive reasons, but of course there are other reasons as well.

a) He might be angry with her and goes off with another girl "to get even".

b) He may be losing interest in her, or becoming bored with her.

c) He may have fallen in love with another girl.

The first three reasons should probably not be considered a threat to the relationship, and if properly managed, might even enhance it. The second three reasons are all significant threats to the relationship.

So, what's a girl to do? One thing is certain - as long as she is consumed by the negative energy of jealousy it is unlikely that any positive resolution will be possible. She must somehow let go of her own suffering, step back and examine the relationship in depth, and then make a reasoned response (more on this later). It is only once the emotion has been defused and tempered that any clear thinking becomes possible.

My key to defusing these feelings is as follows:

1) If he is just curious or experimenting, it is unlikely to be a threat to the relationship. If, however, it turns out to be a threat, then perhaps it is time to learn about it.

2) If he has really lost interest, or has fallen in love with another girl, then there is nothing to be done. It is time to move on.

3) If the submissive feels that her partner is making a big mistake, then logical and rational arguments will work much better than screaming, sarcasm, innuendo, or "the silent treatment".

4) If none of this works, and if the submissive cannot find a way to let go of these feelings, then perhaps some sort of counseling is in order.

I strongly recommend that the submissive let her partner know about her feelings, let him know what she is trying to do with them, and ask for his help. Often some reassurance, some talk, some ground rules, etc., can go a long way towards helping.

And if all else fails, well, you can always write to me. Helping couples deal with these things is something that I do.

Hmmm... I have more to write, but I think this entry is long enough now. More later.

Be seeing you,

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Jealousy vs. Protection

Greetings all,

Picture this – a fairly new D/s couple are at a play party. Let us say that they have been together for perhaps a year or less, but feel very committed to each other. She has begged his collar, and he has accepted. Their relationship has been going along very well, and both are satisfied with each other.

At the party, the Dominant partner (let us call him Bill) is approached by another Dominant (whom we shall call Frank). Conversation ensues. Over the course of the conversation Frank extends many positive comments about Bill’s girl (let us call her Susan). Bill is flattered, of course. After a little while Frank asks Bill if he may play with Susan. This is the first time Bill has ever had anyone request this sort of thing. He asks Frank what he means by “playing”. Bill responds that it means both S&M play as well as some sexual play, perhaps a blow job or some such thing.

Bill refuses. At this point Frank says something like “If you were a real Dom you would share her” or “You must be very insecure” or “It is obvious to me that you don’t really own her” or something to this effect. Bill replies that Susan is not ready to play with others, and that she is under his protection, so she will not play with anyone else.

Susan says nothing, though perhaps there is a small glint of excitement in her eyes at the thought of being used by another. Or perhaps it is fear.

So here’s the question: Is Bill being possessive and jealous, or is he being responsible and protective? And, how can we tell the difference, or in particular, how can Bill tell the difference?

To my way of thinking only Bill can really answer this question. Only he is aware of his internal state of mind, and therefore he is the only one who can have any real idea of what the truth is here. Yet, if he is feeling insecure and jealous it is highly unlikely that he will admit this to anyone else. He may even hide it from himself. Therefore we need a more objective way to determine the root cause for his decision.

Let us step back for a minute and consider why the dominant partner in a relationship might choose, or not choose, to share his girl with another. To be clear, when I speak about sharing, this would involve having his submissive serve another in a sexual, service, or play session (or a combination of all three), which may be done privately, or in public. What defines it as sharing is that a) another will use her in a manner which is generally reserved for her dominant partner; and b) this use will be of fixed duration and probably have some hard limits associated with it. The Dominant partner may, or may not, be present during this shared time.

Why might a Dominant be motivated to share his girl? A number of reasons suggest themselves. Perhaps he feels she is ready for a new experience. Often, in the development of a submissive these sorts of experiences can be very helpful, particularly when there is a romantic attachment between Dominant and submissive. By sharing the girl, she is given an opportunity to evaluate the difference between being handled by a lover, as opposed to someone who is only interested in her service.

Another reason for sharing is that it may allow the submissive to be trained in ways in which the Dominant does not have experience. Or, it may be as simple as allowing the submissive to experience certain sensations which are normally not part of how the couple interacts. (I am thinking here of certain forms of extreme sensation play which require a fair amount of experience before attempting to do.)

The Dominant might choose to share his girl strictly to stroke his own ego. Perhaps he wants the other fellow to see the quality of his girl. Many fellows will allow a friend to try their new car, or perhaps a new shop tool. Why not one’s girl?

Or, it might simply please the Dominant to see his girl squirming under the hand of another. Some people find this quite exciting.

The Dominant might do it simply as a technique to show the girl that he is not that attached to her. By allowing another to enjoy her intimate services, he lets her know that she is nothing more than a “girl” to him.

Of course, not all the reasons are positive. A Dominant might give in to peer pressure. He might be unsure of himself and allow himself to be coerced. He might be angry with her and use sharing as a form of punishment. He might even be trying to end their relationship and is sharing her in the hopes that she will find someone else.

OTOH – why might a Dominant choose not to share a girl under his protection?

Firstly, it might be because he is being responsible. Perhaps she is not yet ready for such a thing (if ever). Perhaps he is concerned that her nervousness will lead to her failing and he does not wish to set her up for failure. Perhaps she does not yet reflect his idea of perfection and until she does, he is reluctant for others to experience her.

Perhaps he knows enough about her past and history to know she will not react well to being shared. Perhaps he is concerned that the other Dominant may not be responsible in handling his property.

Perhaps he is worried about her safety.

Or perhaps it simply doesn’t please him to share her at this time.

All well and good, but of course there are other reasons as well.

A classic reason would be insecurity, the root of all jealousy. Simply put, the Dominant is fearful that if he shares her, she will like the other fellow better and want to leave their relationship. Or, he feels that by sharing her, somehow their relationship will be made less special. Or, he is intimidated by the other Dominant, and doesn’t want to look bad in front of him.

As you can see, the generally negative reasons are always based around fear and insecurity. The generally positive reasons are based around responsibility, development, and empowerment. All Dominants really know their own motivation, regardless of whether they admit to it or not.

Protection of the submissive, in all its forms, always results in the girl feeling safe and empowered. Jealousy and insecurity, in all its forms, always blocks development and empowerment. I believe a submissive has the right (and perhaps the duty) to respectfully question her Dominant any time she feels he is doing something out of fear or insecurity, rather than a desire for her protection and development.

It is a tricky question, but one that I feel can be answered only if we are honest with ourselves.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Rope work - Past and Current

Greetings all,

I have always had an attraction to bondage. Many of my earliest fantasies involved bound and helpless women. I couldn’t really say why I found these images to be so exciting. Perhaps it was some early event in my childhood or perhaps it is genetics. In any event, I don’t worry about it too much. Over the years I have come not only to accept this part of my sexual identity, but to fully embrace it. Part of this acceptance came from learning that there are many women whose bondage fantasies dovetail with my own. One of the happy consequences of this knowledge has been a plethora of females more than willing to offer themselves for binding, or as we sometimes say “to beg the ropes”.

I bound someone for the first time when I was 23 or so. I actually remember the binding. She was on the bed, naked and spread-eagled. I was intending to tie her wrists and ankles to the bed legs, which proved to be a problem because the bed didn’t have any legs. I ended up tying one of the ropes to her wrist, passed the rope between the mattress and the box spring, and tied it to her other wrist.

At which point my cock took over. I didn’t even remember about her ankles, just jumped on top and had some of my best sex ever.

My knot work was pathetic. The rope was loose, I had used dangerous slip knots, and she was able to free herself well before I was done with her, but it didn’t matter. Now I had tasted the reality of bondage and I knew I wanted more. Much more.

My next twenty or so years were spent experimenting with different forms of bondage. Ropes of course, but also chains, leather, plastic wrap, etc. Even before the Internet, there were plenty of BDSM-themed books around offering fodder for my creativity. Of course, the arrival of children meant that I had to significantly curtail the frequency of bondage sessions, although I can’t say it involved too much suffering.

I don’t really remember when I first encountered photographs of women bound in the Japanese Shibari or Kinbaku style. What I do remember is how I was captivated by the grace, beauty, and intensity of the simple hemp or jute ropes cunningly and artistically wrapped around the female’s body. I remember the expressions of rapture and passion on the faces of the models, ranging from utter perfect humiliation to a transcendent orgasmic release. Shibari is all about ropes, but not just the mechanical aspects of binding. In shibari the ropes also act as a conduit of interaction between the participants. Sexual and emotional energies flow and merge creating a special reality which can only exist within the framework of the ropes.

Or to put it in a somewhat abbreviated manner – I abso-fucking-lutely loved shibari from Day One. Still do.

Learning shibari is easier said than done, in particular if you are married with young children. There were very few books available, and those were mostly in Japanese. In addition, it was difficult to find any general agreement on what shibari was, or was not. Lacking any certifying body, almost anyone can call themselves a shibari master (nawashi, etc), and who is to say they are wrong? I did manage to see some performance videos, but these were mostly about suspensions (which I liked but knew were beyond my ability), or only showed the completed binding and not how it was done.

This meant that most of my early attempts at shibari were dismal failures. In fact, not only my early attempts, but almost all of my attempts for quite a few years afterward were perhaps best described as “learning experiences”. Ropes were too tight, or too loose. Knots became stuck and wouldn’t release. My partners were frequently able to escape. Perhaps most importantly, I was never really able to achieve the looks of passion on my model’s face such as those in the photographs I had seen. Because I was concentrating so hard on trying to get the binding right, I was never able to let myself open to the potential energy flow between myself and my partner.

Over time I came to realize that this interaction was much more important than the actual technique itself. This was a major revelation for me. It freed me from the tyranny of trying to get the ropes on correctly, and instead allowed me to be in the moment with my partner. So, while my rope work stayed sloppy, my enjoyment and pleasure in the sessions increased quite a bit.

Still, I have never lost my interest in trying to achieve some measure of competency in my rope techniques. I look forward to new sessions as opportunities for sexual pleasure, the expression of the D/s dynamic, and to improve my techniques.

Which brings me almost up to date.

Over the last six months or so there have been some wonderful additions to my collection of shibari “how to” materials, namely Douglas Kent’s Complete Shibari (which I reviewed in my last post), and Master K’s gorgeous “The Beauty of Kinbaku” coffee table book. I have also come into possession of a couple of shibari videos; one in particular by Mari Masato which has influenced me greatly in a very short time. While the video is in Japanese without sub-titles, I find they really are not required. The bindings are performed slowly, and are well lit and easy to follow. I have watched the video many times now, and with each repetition I have been more impressed with the simplicity, elegance, and cunning in how he uses the ropes.

Last weekend I had my first opportunity to try one of these bindings on a willing and flexible girl. It is called a shrimp (or ebi) tie. At first glance it appears simple, but there are some subtle aspects to it which require special attention. The intent of this binding is to keep the model perfectly immobile yet make it easy to position her in different ways for different purposes.

Even though this was my first attempt I felt comfortable and relaxed as I started the binding. The ropes seemed to flow onto her body. At one point I had to raise her crossed and bound ankles towards her waist. Staying close to her, I used both my thigh and body to bend her over. The sense of energy flow was intense.

By the time I was looping the rope around her neck to bend her over even further, I could tell she was deeply into the experience. She was still and calm, yet also profoundly aroused. I rocked her back and forth on the fulcrum of her ass; leaning her up against the wall, and then rocking her forward so she was sitting on the floor, her head bowed in a lovely expression of servitude.

After twenty minutes or so I judged that she’d had enough, even though all of her extremities were still pink and warm and she was showing no sign of distress. I brought her through about three releases, using tongue and fingers. The last one was done by rocking her back and forth on my fingers which were up inside her hole. Later, she would tell me it was one of the most powerful releases she had ever experienced, and it sent her off into subspace for a good 10-15 minutes. During that time I kept her cradled in my arms, lying mostly face down across my lap. Because of the way the ropes were tied I was able to release almost all of them one-handed, slowly releasing the tensions of the cords, without requiring her to move.

Overall I was very pleased with the results. The binding was not only pleasing to look at, but was perhaps my closest attempt so far to achieving the true shibari experience. I feel I have reached a new level in my rope work. I am looking forward now to trying new and more complex forms.

Any takers?

I just thought I would share.

Be seeing you.

P.S. Tonight, on the spur of the moment, I did a one rope shibari. It was a variant on a front hogtie. I more or less made it up as I went along. I was very pleased with the results.

So was she.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Audio Test

Greetings all,

Here is my first attempt to add some audio to the web site. It is a recording of my reading some of my own written material. You can find it here:


When you click on the link it should allow you to download the file. We will see if it works.

If the response is positive there will be more files made available.

Be seeing you

Friday, April 30, 2010

Book Review: Complete Shibari by Douglas Kent

Greetings all,

I have been interested in bondage for as many years as I can remember, and in particular, Japanese-style bondage (shibari) for at least the last 10-12 years.

Shibari differs from Western style bondage in many ways, and trying to find books, workshops, or tutorials to learn how to do it has always been a challenge for those here in North America. While there are some very good workshops done by people like Midori, most of the printed material has been in Japanese. The same applies to much of the video material, so trying to learn it on your own can be a challenge. I know, because I have been trying for the last ten years to find some good material.

So you can imagine how excited I was to learn about Douglas Kent's new two- volume set called "Complete Shibari". Not only was it written in English (and by a fellow Canadian to boot!) but also it is specifically intended for both beginner and intermediate riggers. I ordered it a couple of weeks ago, and after a few days it was delivered.

Overall, I have been very impressed.

Both books are soft cover, well bound, and have about 100 pages each. The paper is high quality gloss. Both of my copies were signed by the author and included a very nice business card with a wonderful shibari photo. There is a lavish use of photographs and illustrations throughout both books, not simply to show the beauty of the bindings, but more importantly to provide an excellent visual illustration of how to perform the binding.

Each book also begins with a visual index, a feature that I found very useful. Even if you don't know the Japanese name for a particular binding you can quickly find it via the index.

Volume 1 (Land)

Following the index is an Introduction section that talks about Kent's motivation and philosophy in writing the book. I was happy that he chose to concentrate on the actual mechanics of this bondage technique, rather than spending too much time on the spiritual side of shibari, which would have been a challenge to convey with written words. He also explains the best way to use the book, as well as some of his instructional techniques. For example, he has developed a set of icons for knots, wraps, loops, etc, which are used throughout the book to help the reader understand exactly how the binding has been done. These icons, or building blocks as he calls them, are a very Western systematic approach to the subject, and it works very well indeed.

The Introduction also contains a section on rope safety, which is critical for anyone starting out, and not a bad refresher even for those with experience, particularly the section on risks and their likelihood. There is also a section "Rope bottom's duties" which I feel should be essential reading for anyone who is going to be bound for the first time. In just a few short pages Kent is able to provide a solid foundation of rules and mind-set for the bottom.

There is also a brief section on preparing ropes. It doesn't contain any information on conditioning hemp rope, but that is probably because it is a rather time-consuming task that most people would not be interested in doing (which, of course, I am).

The Introduction section ends with the most important shibari tie, which Kent calls the Box Tie (also known as a chest harness, or a Takate Kote). The name is not really that important. What is important is how well it is shown, and here it is shown very well. Since almost all shibari depends on this binding, it makes sense for it to be placed so early in the book.

A Building Blocks section follows the Introduction Section. Here the author shows how to form knots, frictions, stoppers, loops, vines, etc, and all the other basic techniques required. Illustrations are done both with graphics and photos and are very easy to follow. Icons are introduced to represent the different knots, which come in very handy in the next section. Variants are also shown, which can be used for decorative effects or in situations where the standard approach might not work.

Finally, with the basics out of the way, the book leads into its Forms section. Here we find about seventeen different bondage positions, and how to tie them, pretty much complete. Some of them are for the beginner, while others will require more experience. Some would be quite comfortable for the bottom, while others will be a challenge. Certainly there is enough material to keep most people busy for some time as well as providing some ideas for other variants. I was very happy to see how well the bindings were laid out.

Volume 2 (Sky)

This volume concentrates on suspension bondage. The layout of the book is the same as Volume 1, but contains important information about this more advanced technique. For example, the safety section now discusses the risks of suspension, anchor points for hanging ropes, suspension hardware, etc. And rather than going through a repetition of all the basic building blocks covered in Volume 1(Land), the book adds new knots which will be needed.

In other words, in my opinion Volume 2 is a true sequel to Volume 1 and should not be purchased separately. If you want to purchase Volume 2, make sure you also purchase Volume 1. You will be glad you did, and so will I (and so will Douglas, I expect!).

The suspensions shown are also intended for the beginner and intermediate rigger. And once again there is a great deal of material to try, and variants that can be created.

I am rather looking forward to trying them.

I should also mention that during my review of the books I ran into a couple of questions concerning certain illustrations, and how certain knots were tied. I wrote to Douglas directly and he replied in less than 24 hours. He seemed genuinely interested in answering my questions, and we exchanged a couple of emails over the next few days. He certainly knows his material, and did his best to resolve the problem I was having. In the end, all of my questions were answered.

I really don't have anything bad at all to say about these books. They are well organized, well written, well illustrated, and well designed. I have been reading them over and over, and also practicing some of the bindings. Everything works quite well.

If you are interested in shibari, either as a top or a bottom, I would seriously recommend buying both volumes of Kent's books. While there are many shibari books on the market, they generally only show the final binding with no instructions on how to perform it. The few books that do attempt to give instruction are generally quite poor, relying on the written word to try and explain how the bindings are done, which is a technique that generally fails. Kent's books focus on instruction, and do it well.

So while some more critical reviewers may say that his technique is not "real" shibari, or that it is not "complete", I personally welcome these two books to my collection. I think Douglas Kent has put together an excellent technical primer for those interested in shibari, which still provides enough sophistication to satisfy those of us who considered ourselves serious amateurs. His approach is novel and effective.

As far as the spiritual side of shibari…well, all I can suggest is that you try some of these bindings on your submissive and see what happens. You won't be disappointed.

Be seeing you,

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

More on honesty

Greetings all,

An email from a reader brought an interesting question, as a follow-up to my previous post. With her permission I am sharing it, as well as my reply.

I mean, if for example, she was seriously ticked off with you about something you did, would you really want her to explain it to you? Would you consider it "lying by omission" if she didn't, if she said everything was fine? Or would you think it would be better to just drop the whole thing and try to move on?

With girls whom I have trained, or who know me well, I have a great deal of trust. One aspect of the way this manifests itself is by trusting them to know when they should bring something to my attention, and when they should not. However, this only applies to well-trained girls. When I am working with a new girl I pretty much require her to tell me everything related to my interaction with her. And in particular, if she were to tell me everything was "fine" when it clearly was not, I would consider it a lie requiring punishment. Perhaps not the first time, but certainly I would not tolerate this sort of behavior more than once, if that.

Of course, I do not scene a great deal, and I know that frequently there is no formal relationship. As such, I cannot make any demands on my scene partners to be honest, trusting, etc. They will do as they like. Frankly, if the scene is casual, and I will only be seeing my partner a single time, I really don't care all that much. I am not her Master, Owner or Therapist. OTOH - if I were scening with the same partner on a regular basis (a type of relationship which I call "playing with a toy"), then I would require some basic ground rules.

Finally, if a scene ended badly (whatever that means), I might be interested in learning what went wrong, again depending on the nature of the relationship. For example, in the early days with one of my girls some scenes did go quite badly, and I ended up hurting her both emotionally as well as physically. I spent quite a bit of time learning what I had done wrong, because of my motivation to keep my girl. OTOH - with those whom I was only going to scene a single time… well, if they don’t have a good time, it’s not really my problem. I generally make that pretty clear up front.

As a general rule I do not advise a new girl to "just drop it and forget about it". This does not promote good interaction. Later on perhaps it would be acceptable if she stayed silent, assuming the girl really understands the consequences of not speaking up, but in the beginning it is a recipe for problems

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Truth, Honesty, and Privacy

Greetings all,

I received an email from a reader who asked the following question:

"In one of your older ones (posts) you talk about training girls and checking up on them to make sure they're honest to you. My question is what constitutes a lie to you? Is it out right lying or the sin of omission as well. And if the later is one you consider a lie? How then does a sub know what is important to you if new? I'm not sure I understand privacy vs honesty however if I was being trained. Opening myself up like a open book isn't realistic at first."

I consider it a lie when someone is knowingly and deliberately dishonest with me. In particular, when the motivation for telling the lie is negative, such as shame, fear, anger, etc.

Therefore regardless if I am told the lie, or if someone chose not to speak when they should have, it is still a lie in my book.

In general, I do not tolerate lying from any girl, and consider it grounds for an immediate termination of the relationship, although I have been known to forgive a girl under special circumstances.

I appreciate that this requirement can place extra stress on a girl, especially near the beginning of the relationship. Unsure of what should, or should not, be discussed, some girls tend to want to reveal everything; other girls tend to clam up, unwilling to open their mouths for fear of saying the wrong thing. Beginnings are dangerous. Fortunately, I tend to tolerate honest mistakes in girls rather well, so long as they learn from their mistakes. This way, over time they can discover when they should be volunteering information and when they shouldn't be making assumptions.

Normally though, I tend to give a new girl a fairly rigid set of disciplines so she is not forced to make too many assumptions, although many girls still do, I'm afraid.
Privacy vs. Honesty: Privacy is the right of an individual to maintain certain information in a confidential state. Honesty, in this context, means that one's words and actions must be truthful.

The conflict between these two is what happens when a girl is asked a question that she would prefer to keep private. Obviously she can't lie, because that would be dishonest, so she can't give a "made up" answer, and she can't say "she doesn't know".

She could ask for permission not to answer, but her Dominant might command her to do so, and then she doesn't have any choice at all. In fact, unless it has been previously negotiated that in certain areas she may retain her privacy, in general she is not allowed any privacy.

Now, some submissives may be concerned that the revelation of information might damage the relationship. Certainly this is a valid concern, but it does not give the submissive permission to lie. Instead I would suggest that the revelation of "difficult" information is a test not only for the submissive, but also for the Dominant. How will he react? Does he handle it in a responsible manner, or does he lose self-control? To a certain extent, a Dominant should never ask a question unless he is prepared to hear the answer.
But the choice does not belong to the submissive. It belongs to the Dominant.

I understand the challenge of revealing one's privacies to another. This is why a submissive must get a good sense of the Dominant before entering into a formal relationship. This is why I believe a Dominant must extend honesty and trust first, if there is to be any expectation of it being returned. But given a formal relationship, and the requirement for honesty, the submissive has no choice. She must respond to all questions honestly and to the best of her ability.

Anything less is an insult to the relationship.

Be seeing you.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Slavery reconsidered

Greetings all,

Those who have followed my blog, or know of my other writings, may understand that I have some problems with people defining their relationships as Master/slave. Recently this came to a head on FetLife. The following is a copy of a new thread I recently started on the Masters and Slave forum there, with the intent of provoking some discussion.

I am posting it here as well with the same intent.

A couple of weeks ago there was a rather brisk discussion about the status of being a slave, and its implications. I took a rather contrary view to the majority. The thread was sadly purged by the list moderators because of complaints of name calling, etc. However, I believe this is an important topic, and so I am raising it again in the hopes that we can maintain a respectful level of debate, and some valuable information sharing.

Here are the basic premises which I would like to discuss:

1) The terms (not their meanings) "Master" and "Slave" are not really reflective of the dynamic of the relationship that exists in many couples who claim M/s status.

2) The use of the terms "Master" and "Slave" used in conversations with people outside the community makes meaningful communication very difficult, plus does a disservice to the community as a whole.

3) A new lexicon and taxonomy is required to describe the relationships that are currently defined as Master/slave so as to allow for better communications between people in the lifestyle, as well as the "vanilla" world.

Given the length of this post I was considering breaking it up into three different topics, but in the end decided that they should be kept together, since I imagine people will reference them all when they reply

So, with that in mind, let us begin:

Section 1: Does Master/slave really mean Master/slave?

Move anywhere outside the BDSM community and start looking for the definition of a slave. I would suggest that none of the definitions you would find in any way reflect the reality of the interaction model between two people in the community who call themselves Master and Slave. In my experience when people say they are in a Master/slave relationship what they are really saying is that one partner has agreed to obey the other partner in most things, that one partner has agreed not to engage in certain activities without the other's permission, that there is a long term commitment between the parties involved, and a general recognition that the relationship is based on one partner being Dominant and the other submissive. Plus a bunch of other things that vary from relationship to relationship.

But this is not slavery by any stretch of the imagination. For example, a real slave has no civil rights, may not own property, may be damaged or destroyed without any legal recourse to the Master, etc. In the most commonly accepted definition of slavery (outside the BDSM community) a society that legalized slavery would recognize that as property, the slave could be disposed of in any way their owner wished.

The matter is further complicated, at least here in North America, by the fact that even if the submissive partner wished to sign a "slave contract" in which they gave up their civil rights, and would hold their Master harmless for any injury, that such a contract would not be held as legal by the courts. Frankly, it is impossible for anyone in North America to become a slave.

Or put another way, no one may abrogate their rights and privileges as a citizen, even if they wanted to.

What this means is that in every real sense of the word, there is no way for anyone to voluntarily become a slave, and further, even if someone was to call themselves a slave, it is high unlikely that they are referencing the common accepted definition. Rather, they are using the word to describe a "special" committed relationship. What makes it special is however the participants decide to define it.

Bottom line: I have no problem if two (or more) people choose to use the term Master/slave when they speak to each other, or as a way of honouring the nature of their relationship. But such terminology should be kept private to the relationship. Much in the same way that most couples keep their special terms of endearment for those occasions when they are alone with each other.

Section 2: Trying to explain ourselves to others

Consider the following hypothetical scenario. You are at a party and you meet a couple. After a few moments the man announces that he is a pedophile, and that his partner is his child-victim. You (naturally) are shocked and tell him that you are about to report him to the police. "You don't understand!" he exclaims. "In my community the term 'pedophile' and 'child-victim' describe a committed loving consensual relationship between two people which expresses itself through photography and the acting out of situations where each partner assumes a role. If you were part of my special community you would understand!"

Get the picture?

Telling those outside the BDSM community that you are a Master or a Slave is counter-productive in the extreme. All it does is setup a situation where communication and dialog become more challenging. Not only that, but as shown in Section 1, when people say they are in a M/s relationship, in reality they are not. So, not only are they creating barriers to communication, but they are not even accurately describing their relationship.

Another example happened to me a few weeks ago on this forum. Something I said caused someone to label me as a "Gorean". Once that happened, they decided that there was no further point in talking with me, since Goreans are a sort of person that this individual already had a pre-conceived notion about. And both of us are in the BDSM community! How much more of a challenge then to try and open up a talk with someone who is not?

Wouldn't it be so much easier if we described ourselves using some other label?

Section 3: Towards a new lexicon

I don't have too much to write about in this section. I am hoping that you, the reader, will have input. If you agree with sections 1 and 2, then it seems to make sense that we want to find a new way of describing our relationships in a meaningful manner, without using emotional or intellectual triggers.

Power-based relationship? Dominant/submissive lifestyle? Consensual domestic discipline? I really don't know, but what I do know is that one of the reasons most Masters and Slaves are reluctant to tell others about their relationship is because of what happens as soon as you say Master or Slave.

A while back I wrote a short story called "All things great and small" which was a metaphorical creation tale. My two main characters were called God and Satan. I was not really referencing the Christian stereotypes, but I thought they were good terms to use to describe the first two entities in our universe, and part of their interaction model. The problem I encountered from those who read it, was that once they saw the word "God" or "Satan" a whole host of filters and biases came into play which made it very difficult for anyone to understand what the story was really about.

The same thing applies here. We are using terms that are just too emotionally loaded to be of any value. I suggest that new terms are required.

What do you think?

Be seeing you,

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Every now and then, I try my hand at humour

Greetings all,

So, a few days ago I was engaged in a rather active debate on the Masters and Slaves forum of FetLife on the subject of what it means to be a slave. My opinions were in the minority. In fact I would say it was about 20-1 or so. The thread became so contentious that it was pulled by the list moderators, although in private notes they did say they thought I had acted well, and they had found the thread to be very interesting, but had received too many complaints.

Ah well, so it goes.

IAE - I will be writing about the whole "slave" topic in more detail in my next post, but in the meantime I decided to try a somewhat lighter approach to the topic. The following will probably be posted on the same forum later today, but since I am not sure if they will allow it to stay. I thought I would also post it here for posterity. Sadly, I am not really a very funny fellow, so please do not be too unhappy if my rather meager attempt falls short of the mark.


Title: Is your man a Master, or is he a latent household appliance fetishist?

Confused? Of course you are. And with good reason.

Many men are in fact latent household appliance fetishists. However, the terrible social stigma attached to this groteseque perversion means that they have to find more socially acceptable means to express their dark deep desires to engage in carnal relations (and worse!) with those sleek sexy aluminum and plastic enrobed devices. For many, this has meant assuming the faux mantle of a Master, and trying to replace his unhealthy appetites by turning his woman into a "slave", when what he really wants is to spend hours stroking and caressing the smooth contours of his blender.

After all, consider the many similarities between "slaves" and appliances.

- Both are considered to be his property

- Both may be used in any way he wishes

- Both may be shared with others, but rarely are

- Both tend to be objects of great affection

- Both are expected to be pleasing to him

- Both have a wide variety of buttons that can be pushed

- Both are often used for seemingly domestic tasks with significant erotic overtones

- Both require a maintenance schedule

- Both must be purchased

- Both come with a guarantee which is rarely honored, and is often meaningless

- Both can be ordered never to speak (although the German appliances have been known to require more discipline than others to get them to be silent).

- Both can be turned on and off

- Both can be sold, traded, bartered, or gifted to others

- Both have a limited life expetnacy

- Both are often replaced when newer, sleeker, sexier, models become available

So, as you can see, the social acceptable acquistion of a "slave" can be used by many latent home appliance fetishists, as a mask for their secret perversions. In reality, every time they have a "session" with their slave, or create a meaningless discipline for the "slave" to follow, they are really sublimating their desire for a session with their appliance. In fact, some of these so-called Masters cannot even achieve true sexual satisfaction unless their "sessions" are accompanied with a wide variety of electrical "toys" which are nothing more than an attempt to incorporate their fetish into a more socially acceptable behaviour.

Fortunately, there are a number of telltale signs that slaves can be on the look out for, to determine if their Master is a closet latent household appliance fetishist.

- Does he spend time pursuing magazines about new gadgets and technologies?

- Does he seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in his workshop, not really getting anything done, but rather "organizing" his tools?

- Does he spend more time talking to his buddies about his latest technological acquisitions than he does talking about the beauty of his slave girl?

- Does his eyes light up when the next edition of Comsumers Report shows up in the mail box?

- Does he ever volunteer to help when the slave is engaged in a domestic task involving an appliance? For example, does he offer to "repair" it, rather than taking it to a service shop?

- Does he spend too much money on his tools which are rarely used, but often polished?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your "Master" may be a latent household appliance fetishist. But do not worry. Help is available.

The Latent Household Appliance Fetishist Intervention Clinic (LHAFIC) is an organization dedicated to helping poor slave girls cope with their current situation. For a nominal fee, we will be able to free you from the terrible tyranny of living with your Master, and make you feel much better about your slave status. We have days of experience behind us, a very short list of references, and an contemptible attitude of taking advantage of your situation. IOW - you will feel right at home.

Call today, and don't delay. Remember, he can't heal himself. Don't take second place to a vacumum cleaner. Be all the slave you can be.


Monday, March 1, 2010

Mentoring women of different ages


Long time reader Vesta left a comment to my recent entry on mentoring and training:

I would be most appreciative if you would care to expand on how women of different ages are mentored differently.

Well, there is nothing like the appreciation of a well-trained submissive to provoke a response in me, so I am happy to oblige this request.

As I mentioned, I believe mentoring a submissive has less to do with her age than with her development and maturity. There have been 30-year old girls I have mentored who were much easier projects that girls at 50. IMO - the difficulty of the mentoring process is related to things such as:

- Social conditioning (be it feminism, pop culture, religion, etc)
- Previous relationships (and in particular if there is any history of abusive relationships)
- The motivation to be mentored (why have they come to me?)
- The support (or lack of it) from friends, family, etc
- Sexual maturity (only because many girls are provoked to sub-fever for the first time during mentoring).

It has always been the case that I have had to tailor and customizes the mentoring process for each girl. While I have a few techniques, rituals, and disciplines which would be common to all (for example the use of third-person form), I recognized fairly early on that it would be foolish to try a "one size fits all" approach to mentoring. Different girls are... different, and what works for one, will not work for another.

A good analogy can be taken from ski instruction. One of the things that is critical in learning to ski is stance and balance. There are many different techniques, exercises, instructions that can be used to teach this. All are aimed at the same goal, a proper stance and a dynamic approach to balance, but what works for one student may not work for another. Sometimes, as an instructor, you must come at the problem from a number of different ways until you see the light bulb click on over the students head. And when it does, no other techniques are required.

So too, is how I find the process of mentoring and training.

But now, back to age differences. In general, I have found it more of a challenge to deal with young girls (say under 30) than those who are older. Sometimes this is because the younger ones come with an attitude (I already know everything, I am the best pleasure slave in the world). Sometimes it is because they use words without really understanding what they are saying (I want to be the best submissive ever. I want to be a slave, etc). Sometimes it is because they are using D/s as an approach to finding love ("I will only submit to my One").

Regardless of the reason, the lack of maturity and experience can be a barrier to acceptance. Simply put, they do not have enough life experience to evaulate what I am trying to teach them, in comparison to what has already happened in their life. Often, there is also a fear. Fear of exposure ("Its so dirty!"), fear of the implications, fear of being abused. Older woman are less likely to have these fears. Rather, they are concerned about how the notions of D/s conflict with what they have been taught about being strong and independent, or they are concerned about not being "good enough", or of finally allowing the sexual beast inside them to come to the foreground. So, while older women may not suffer from the anxieties of their younger sisters, they certainly have their own to deal with.

And, as I said, this is far from a universal truth. I have known women who, even in their fifties, have never gone down on a man, never experienced a true orgasm, and categorically refuse to acknowledge the power relationship between Dominant and Submissive because it conflicts so deeply with their inner beliefs on the equality of the genders.

What this implies is that I often find myself in rather long and challenging debates with the older girls, while the younger girls can often be taught in a more experiential manner. In the same vein, I often find older women to be more articulate, better able to form and state their opinions, than younger ones. Or perhaps, this is only a question of assertiveness and self-confidence. OTOH, in some cases I find it easier to develop and enhance a younger girl since they have not yet had decades to build barriers and walls that must be torn down before the real development can begin.

Another difference I find between younger and older girls is in the area of self-esteem and self-image. Self-esteem in older girls is often higher, perhaps because they know themselves better, and have a proven track record of their ability to handle a wide variety of situations. Conversely, self-image in younger girls seems to be higher, perhaps because their bodies and faces have not yet begun to show the inevitable results of aging. This means that they will have different sensitivity to the same topic.

In the final analysis, I really do not let age affect my decision with respect to accepting a girl to be mentored, although I doubt I could be convinced to mentor a girl younger than 25 or so, but perhaps that's just an arbitrary value, since I have never been approached by anyone younger than 25!

Be seeing you,

Thursday, February 25, 2010

A sex toy for men?


A bit of an off topic post today, having not much to do with D/s, but rather the somewhat simpler topic of sex.

I have often heard women say that while a vibrator will never replace a man, a man will never replace a vibrator. This has always made perfect sense to me. Vibrators are very good at... well... vibrating, yes? They can apply a rather unique sensation to a particular location for as long as the woman would like. In fact, the female can control the entire experience from start to finish. Sex with a man, and in particular a dominant man (assuming she is submissive in nature), is a rather different experience, and brings a wide range of variables that she will not be able to control in the slightest (nor does she wish to).

Which is why I never object, and in fact rather approve of, my girl enjoying her Wand more or less whenever she wishes. There is no threat here, only an addition to the overall sexuality of my girl.

But what about men? Is there a comparable sexual device for a man, to enhance his overall pleasure?

Up until yesterday I would have answered "no". I have had plenty of experience in putting my cock down throats, cunts, asses, as well as the palm of my hand (and numerous other things too deviant to mention). Frankly, in terms of the actual physical sensations they are not all that different. Some are tighter, some wetter, some pulse, some squeeze, but at then end of the day, they are all about the same. What makes them different was the mental and emotional states, the exercise of power and control, the use of sadistic techniques, or perhaps simply the quality of the porn I was watching.

IAE - yesterday I received a gift in the mail from a woman I mentored last year. She is a very creative girl, with a healthy imagination, and a fine talent for finding both the unusual and deviant. What she sent me was a sex toy made in Japan called a Tenga Flip Hole Black.

It looks like nothing I have ever imagined a male sex toy would look like. The interior is downright scary looking, like something HR Giger (the guy who designed the sets for Alien among other things) might have designed. I mean, I couldn't even imagine how the thing would work. And it doesn't even use batteries.

Well, I just had to check it out. The instructions weren't that hard to follow. So, I put on a DVD of some of my fav porn (Fashionistas) and started into a bit of personal gratification with my Tenga.

All I can say is that.. I have never experienced sensations in my cock like those this device was able to offer up. Sure, I must have looked like a guy having his cock eaten by a flashlight, but no one was looking, and frankly I didn't really care. I mean this thing can suck like nothing else, and apply pressures in ways and means that defy description.

Not only that, but it is so stylish looking (those Japanese really believe in making good looking toys!) that I may end up using it as a paperweight on my desk. I mean, no one will ever figure out what the thing is.

Will it replace a pussy? Not a chance. Will it replace a fine, well-trained, submissive masochist? Impossible. Does it mean I wish to give up the joys and pleasures of owning a slave and pet? I do not.

But, I must now admit that neither pussy, masochist, slave nor pet are likely to replace my Tenga.

So guys, now we have our own vibrator. Balance has been restored.

Be seeing you,

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

An early morning quickie

So, yesterday morning I got into bed with my girl (we sleep in different beds and bedrooms). While I had not started aroused, I found after a few minutes that I had a desire to use her for my pleasure. This is not such an unusual thing since even after all our years together I still find her a sexy and desirable slut.

So I put her on her belly and had my way with her. From start to finish I don't think it took more than two minutes, and perhaps less than that.

Later on in the morning, as we sat at the breakfast table, I told her that many women would have objected to such quick and rude treatment. After all, one is suppose to be sensitive to needs of one's partner, yes?

She replied that as a submissive, and slave, it was her pleasure to be available to me in any way I wished, and in fact she had been well satisfied to be used by me.

And people wonder about the value of D/s relationships? Ha!

It is good to have a submissive (or two) around the house.

Be seeing you

More on the value of mentoring and training

Greetings all,

My previous post generated some comments by Vesta. The following is an extract from one of them:

As an older woman I know how to deal with these emotions and responses now, but as a younger girl, I did not. If the mentoring/training allows a girl to come to terms with that response whereby she neither hides it nor is concerned by expressing it, that's a good thing.

This raises some interesting questions.

First, while I think that the old adage about age bringing maturity is generally correct, does it therefore follow that younger women will have more difficulty coming to terms with their emotions and responses to being provoked than an older woman? My experiences would suggest that this is not the case at all. Rather, a woman's ability to handle her reactions to be provoked seems to be based on her previous experiences with D/s, as well as her previous life experiences.

For example, if a submissive female has suffered through abusive relationships in her past she will probably be challenged to come to terms with her submissive nature, regardless of her age. Also, social upbringing (and conditioning) seems to play an important role in how easily a female can accept her nature (and the same seems to be true for dominant males). IOW - age seems to have little to do with the level of difficulty a female will experience in admitting that she is submissive and accepting the implications of this acceptance.

I think the question of age comes more into play when a woman is trying to differentiate between the emotion of love, a desire for kinky playing and the nature of submission. It is very easy to get the two confused. Many times I have seen young woman label themselves as submissive, when what they are really after is to bottom in a scene. Other times I have seen women speak of the gift of their submission to a particular fellow, when what they are really saying is that they are in love.

For the more mature woman, coming to terms with their submission presents a different set of challenges, many of which revolve in having their entire world view turned up side down ("everything I thought I knew was right, turns out to be wrong"). They may fight their nature at every turn. These are women who have experienced love, and who have experienced all manner of sexual playing, and so are aware that their feelings of submission fit into neither category. But this does not make accepting it any easier.

Therefore it seems to me that women both young and old can benefit from mentoring and/or training, but the nature of this training will be quite a bit different. In both cases the objectives are the same, to come to terms with their nature, but how this is achieved will probably follow some rather different paths.

Be seeing you

Monday, February 22, 2010

The benefits of third party mentoring/training

Greetings all,

Over on FetLife some asked the question as to why a "Master" would send his slave to be mentored or trained by another. The general consensus seemed to be that no "real" Master would do such a thing and it would be a sign of laziness or incompetence on his part.

Here was my reply.


Your question lacks precision. Terms such as "mentoring" and "training" are open to a great deal of interpretation and therefore the responses you have received have been filtered through the history and perception of each individual.

Therefore, although I have mentored and trained a few girls myself, and could certainly give you opinions based on my own experiences I will take a somewhat more general approach in my reply.

The basic question is, why would the Master of a female send her to another for any aspects of her development or enhancement? And, if he does, would this imply incompetence or laziness on his part, as some of the responders have implied?

There are many examples which might suggest that quite the opposite is true, which is to say that it is a sign of a responsible and committed Master to give his girl to another for some purpose. For example, say I own a horse. While I wish to ride it, I might wish another to train it. Or, perhaps I own a car which I like to race, but I am not a mechanic. I therefore find a specialist who can make my car the well-tuned machine I wish to drive. Or perhaps I am a musician whose instrument requires some fine tuning, rather than do the work myself I again take it to a specialist. I play it, and care for it, and part of that care is knowing when it requires the hands of another for things I cannot do myself.

Now, when it comes to the ownership of a slave, there are many occasions when I might feel "too close" to the girl to perform that special fine tuning. Or perhaps, in the same way that some young ladies are sent to fine finishing schools to round out their education, I recognize that I do not have the full set of skills required. Or, I appreciate that certain aspects of a girl's development may be too challenging for me because I love my girl too much. Regardless, imo it is a sign of wisdom and maturity when a Master realizes that others might be able to help in the development of his property.

Call the help "training" or "mentoring", it really doesn't matter.

Finally, I believe that when a girl is given to another for some aspects of her development it makes her acutely aware that she is property, rather than a partner. This is a good thing for a slave to learn.


Be seeing you,

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I re-visit an old movie


Hollywood has rarely been kind to the BDSM lifestyle. Either it is portrayed in a comic manner, normally as a farce, or it is pornographic. Some of the later category have not been badly done. Fashionistas starring Bella Donna and Rocco comes to mind. Still while the viewer may find plenty of material to stimulate, there is not much there to educate. IOW - if someone, and by this I mean a vanilla someone, was trying to get a better understanding of how the power dynamic works, they will be disappointed.

Some movies have tried to approach the topic is a somewhat more dramatic approach. The classic 9 1/2 Weeks come to mind, as does the rather less well known Pet. While I enjoyed elements of both these movies, and others, too often they end in tragedy. The underlying message always seems to be that if you are going to follow the path to perversion then you are doomed to suffer. Hollywood (which is to say the vanilla world in general) refuses to consider that the pairing of a sadist and a masochist can have a happy ending.

A number of years ago I had the opportunity to see a movie called Secretary, starring James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Some of you may know Spader from his award winning role in Boston Legal (a show I recommend to all). Curiously, the character he plays in Secretary seems to have been the seminal model for the character of Allen Shore he played one year later in Boston Legal.

IAE - last night I had the opportunity to watch the movie again, and I must admit I was even more impressed than the first time I watched it. I do not wish to give the plot away for those who have not seen it but the story revolves around a Dominant-sadist and a Submissive-masochist, finding each other and coming to terms with their own nature. The subject matter is handled with a rare amount of maturity, sensitivity, and imo a real desire to communicate to the vanilla world a little bit about what makes Dominants and Submmissives tick.

After watching the movie one of my girls (who was seeing it for the first time) went out and did a fair amount of research as to the different reviews by various critics. While it received high praise as a movie, most of the time it was fairly obvious that the reviewers didn't really understand what the movie was about. IOW - they liked the way the story was told, but didn't get the message, and in some cases chose to completely misinterpret what it was about.

Curiously, the thing that most of the reviewers objected to was the fact that the movie has a happy ending. It seemed to bother them that "perverts" were allowed to be happy.

IAE - I certainly recommend getting a hold of a copy of the movie if you can. Its available as a torrent download, or I am sure you can find copies of the DVD around. I would be most interested in other people's impressions.

Speaking of movies, I am anxiously awaiting the release of the recent documentary called Graphic Sexual Torture, about the famous (or infamous) Insex web site, and its creator pd. It has been getting rave reviews on the film festival circuit. Anyone seen it yet?

Be seeing you,

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Is a masochist a painslut?


I saw this question asked on a forum a while back and thought it was quite interesting.

At first the two terms seem almost synonymous, one being a more technical (medical?) way while the other is much more in the common vernacular. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was highly possible for someone to be a masochist, and not be a painslut.

According to the DSM-IV sexual masochism can be defined as:

The disorder is characterized by either intense sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors in which the individual is humiliated, beaten, bound, or made to suffer in some way.

While I don't always agree with the DSM, this appears to be a pretty good definition, with the one exception being that I don't consider it to be a "disorder" in and of itself. Leaving that aside, I think the key word here is "suffer". IOW - regardless if the source of discomfort is from a physical beating, confinement, humiliation, etc, it always ends up with the masochist becoming aroused through some level of suffering.

But what if there is no suffering?

For example, I enjoy spanking my girl. I like to spank her for a long time, in particular when she is bound. I am not gentle about it either. Yet, I rarely hear her cry out in an expression of pain. Rather she seems to become somewhat more quiet with the occasional moan of pleasure. Often she will achieve orgasm. When I ask her about the pain she is always confused. She says she feels no pain, only pleasure. Now I have spanked other girls in much the same way, and many of them have told me how painful it was.

Now, since my girl is obviously not suffering then I suppose she could not be classified as a masochist. Yet, since she clearly becomes aroused by the application of a stimulus that many others would find painful, perhaps another term is required... painslut maybe?

At the end of the day what I have learned is that different girls have different tolerances for stimulation. Pleasure to one will be pain to another. This makes sense to me. OTOH - some girls really do enjoy feeling pain, the sharp bite of the whip, the hot flash of dripping wax, and the close confinement of bondage.

As a sadist I can take pleasure from both sorts of girls, be they masochists, painsluts, or any other label you want to give them.

Diversity is fun.

Be seeing you,

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