Thursday, March 4, 2010

Every now and then, I try my hand at humour

Greetings all,

So, a few days ago I was engaged in a rather active debate on the Masters and Slaves forum of FetLife on the subject of what it means to be a slave. My opinions were in the minority. In fact I would say it was about 20-1 or so. The thread became so contentious that it was pulled by the list moderators, although in private notes they did say they thought I had acted well, and they had found the thread to be very interesting, but had received too many complaints.

Ah well, so it goes.

IAE - I will be writing about the whole "slave" topic in more detail in my next post, but in the meantime I decided to try a somewhat lighter approach to the topic. The following will probably be posted on the same forum later today, but since I am not sure if they will allow it to stay. I thought I would also post it here for posterity. Sadly, I am not really a very funny fellow, so please do not be too unhappy if my rather meager attempt falls short of the mark.


Title: Is your man a Master, or is he a latent household appliance fetishist?

Confused? Of course you are. And with good reason.

Many men are in fact latent household appliance fetishists. However, the terrible social stigma attached to this groteseque perversion means that they have to find more socially acceptable means to express their dark deep desires to engage in carnal relations (and worse!) with those sleek sexy aluminum and plastic enrobed devices. For many, this has meant assuming the faux mantle of a Master, and trying to replace his unhealthy appetites by turning his woman into a "slave", when what he really wants is to spend hours stroking and caressing the smooth contours of his blender.

After all, consider the many similarities between "slaves" and appliances.

- Both are considered to be his property

- Both may be used in any way he wishes

- Both may be shared with others, but rarely are

- Both tend to be objects of great affection

- Both are expected to be pleasing to him

- Both have a wide variety of buttons that can be pushed

- Both are often used for seemingly domestic tasks with significant erotic overtones

- Both require a maintenance schedule

- Both must be purchased

- Both come with a guarantee which is rarely honored, and is often meaningless

- Both can be ordered never to speak (although the German appliances have been known to require more discipline than others to get them to be silent).

- Both can be turned on and off

- Both can be sold, traded, bartered, or gifted to others

- Both have a limited life expetnacy

- Both are often replaced when newer, sleeker, sexier, models become available

So, as you can see, the social acceptable acquistion of a "slave" can be used by many latent home appliance fetishists, as a mask for their secret perversions. In reality, every time they have a "session" with their slave, or create a meaningless discipline for the "slave" to follow, they are really sublimating their desire for a session with their appliance. In fact, some of these so-called Masters cannot even achieve true sexual satisfaction unless their "sessions" are accompanied with a wide variety of electrical "toys" which are nothing more than an attempt to incorporate their fetish into a more socially acceptable behaviour.

Fortunately, there are a number of telltale signs that slaves can be on the look out for, to determine if their Master is a closet latent household appliance fetishist.

- Does he spend time pursuing magazines about new gadgets and technologies?

- Does he seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in his workshop, not really getting anything done, but rather "organizing" his tools?

- Does he spend more time talking to his buddies about his latest technological acquisitions than he does talking about the beauty of his slave girl?

- Does his eyes light up when the next edition of Comsumers Report shows up in the mail box?

- Does he ever volunteer to help when the slave is engaged in a domestic task involving an appliance? For example, does he offer to "repair" it, rather than taking it to a service shop?

- Does he spend too much money on his tools which are rarely used, but often polished?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your "Master" may be a latent household appliance fetishist. But do not worry. Help is available.

The Latent Household Appliance Fetishist Intervention Clinic (LHAFIC) is an organization dedicated to helping poor slave girls cope with their current situation. For a nominal fee, we will be able to free you from the terrible tyranny of living with your Master, and make you feel much better about your slave status. We have days of experience behind us, a very short list of references, and an contemptible attitude of taking advantage of your situation. IOW - you will feel right at home.

Call today, and don't delay. Remember, he can't heal himself. Don't take second place to a vacumum cleaner. Be all the slave you can be.


1 comment:

Elayn said...

OK, that is just plain funny. Thank you for the giggles. I like the analogy, great way to open eyes.

I wonder what that says about someone who mounts the electrical extension bar to the headboard of the bed to accommodate the toys. ;)

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