Friday, July 18, 2008

Responses to a reader's comments

Greetings all,

One reader had a number of interesting comments to make about my recent post on reflecting energy. However, the comments appeared to be a general critique of my thoughts and techniques as a whole, so I thought it made more sense to post it up here where others could view it and participate if they so wished.

Here is the entire text of the comment by "Anonymous"

i do not dispute a point because generally - you make no points. That is MY point. And by presuming to 'teach' and 'train' submissives for any purpose but your own use implies you believe your point of view should be disseminated to others. Beyond sexual or performance technique and familiarity, there is nothing a teacher can 'train' on as each submissive must 'learn' from their own Dom, not someone else. To presume to 'teach' is beyond your scope unless the sub is yours. The only reason i would not 'lob small greandes' would be if i was engaged in a battle - but it is not worth battling someone of so fixed a perspective and so limited a view of D/s. You have missed the mark, and while entitled to your views, you should not have the audacity to 'teach'[ anyone but your own. pity the novice who gets caught in such a onesided view of things.

Here is my reply:


Let's take this one point at a time, shall we?

>>i do not dispute a point because generally - you make no points. That is MY point.<<

A nice general way to side step the entire matter. By refusing to specify anything in specific to which you object, you avoid the responsibility of having to do anything but critique.

>> And by presuming to 'teach' and 'train' submissives for any purpose but your own use implies you believe your point of view should be disseminated to others.<<

This is about as wrongful and backward a statement as possible. If I was only interested in developing a girl for my own use I would hardly have any motivation to share my ideas on training and development with others. I would spend more of my time with the girl, and rather less on writing in a blog. My ego does not require that I pontificate about my thoughts to others.

This blog was created in direct response to the requests of quite a few people after I shut down my web site. People who thought the information had some value.

Next, for the vast majority of women (and couples) I work with I have no interest at all in making them "mine." In fact I am quite specific about the fact that I will not become their "Owner," "Master," "Lord," etc, whenever they enter into a formal relationship with me. I do not need or require more girls of my own. I have quite enough to keep me busy. My purpose in working with other females is to help them understand their submission, and prepare them for what will come next, which will hopefully be a long term D/s relationship with another.

Next, most of what I do is mentoring, not teaching or training. While there is of course some element of teaching in a mentoring relationship, and perhaps a bit of light training, a mentoring relationship is geared more to helping the emerging submissive come to terms with her self. Training, imo, is a rather different sort of thing.

>> Beyond sexual or performance technique and familiarity, there is nothing a teacher can 'train' on as each submissive must 'learn' from their own Dom, not someone else.<<

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You show an incredible lack of understanding in this matter. In fact, I would suggest that it is really the opposite that is the truth. The only thing you correctly imply is that each Dominant is different and therefore will have different preferences in how they wish to be served. That is why I believe that the majority of sexual and service techniques should be developed and maintained by the individual dominant. What a mentor does is prepare a girl to be accepting of these techniques. He/she helps the Submissive develop the honesty and trust required to enter into the intensity of the D/s relationship. The mentor assist the submissive in understanding the various processes that are occurring and counsels on ways to deal with the inevitable stress of setting aside an entrenched world view learned from the vanilla world. IMO - girls who have been well-mentored are more balanced, less stressed, and better suited to deal with the intensity of a D/s relationship.

The problem is that way too many newly awakened submissives become involved with dominants who have no idea at all on how to handle them, and in the end ruin them.

I find it rather curious that you would presume to have something to say on this subject and at the same time show such a complete lack of understanding of the process.

>> To presume to 'teach' is beyond your scope unless the sub is yours.<<

Once again you are incorrect. It is precisely because she is not mine that I can mentor and develop her. The relationship is formal, specific, and transitory. This is understood from the beginning. Certain objectives are set and when they are accomplished the relationship is ended. By operating within these narrow confines, and rigid structure, the newly awakened submissive finds the security to explore her nature and discuss her feelings. She is less concerned with being "perfect" and more concerned with her development. The value of the mentoring relationship is that it has none of the strings and baggage so often attached to more permanent D/s pairings. This is comforting to the submissive.

And it is not a presumption on my part that I do these things. I have, and continue to do them. I have the references of those who I have worked with. I have refined my ideas over the last thirty years.

What have you accomplished?

>> The only reason i would not 'lob small greandes' would be if i was engaged in a battle - but it is not worth battling someone of so fixed a perspective and so limited a view of D/s. You have missed the mark, and while entitled to your views, you should not have the audacity to 'teach'[ anyone but your own. pity the novice who gets caught in such a onesided view of things.<<

For someone not engaged in a battle you have certainly not shied away from making accusations and inflammatory statements. Are my views "fixed?" Yes, in many ways they are. Why? Because after thirty odd years of doing this, and interacting with many submissive women, I have seen patterns. I have learned what works and what does not work. And not only this, but I feel it is a testimony to my techniques that virtually all of these women are quite willing to provide me with a reference if I require it, and are grateful for what I have accomplished with them.

So I ask you again, what have you accomplished? What is the basis for your opinions on what the rest of the D/s world is all about? If you are so sure that I am wrong, how do you know what is right? You suggest that every submissive must learn from a particular Dom. That is the sort of advice that has led to so many girls being seriously hurt (emotionally, intellectually, and often physically) in their D/s encounters. In my opinion, of the two of us, it is you who are giving the rather poor advice, not me. Still, I do believe that there are probably many more people out there who think like you, rather than me. Perhaps that is why there are so many submissives who had incredible potential, who end up ruined and hurt.

Because they listened and believed you knew what you were talking about.

How sad.

P.S. If you are going to continue you this debate with me, will you at least give yourself a name? You may be reluctant to share any other information about yourself, but I think it would be polite to at least allow me to call you something other than Anonymous.

Be seeing you,

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

How does the submissive reflect the energy of the dominant?

Greetings all,

One reader (seneca) asked a question in response to my post on the single submissive interacting with new potential partners. I thought I would answer it here.

Here is her question:

Could you please explain in more detail what you mean by the submissive reflecting the energy of the dominant? How does this happen, please? How can you tell that you have done so? Is it something that one does consciously? I'm afraid I fall into the second of the three groups you delineated so this does confuse me. I would appreciate it if you'd make this clearer for me.

Thank you for your question.

I wish I had a simple answer, or in fact any answer that seemed to make some concrete sense, but I do not. So, I will try and answer this by using my own personal experiences, and a bit of conjecture.

Down through the years I have noticed that if I am attracted to a woman, then it is almost a certainity that she is submissive in nature. There have been one or two small mistakes (and one rather large one), but overall my senses have directed me wisely.

Some men seem to be attracted to women of a certain body shape, others to women of certain ethnic backgrounds. Some men seem to be attracted to big tits, while others prefer a well packed booty. Some men simply like a woman in a short dress, or high heels, or with painted toes. Others may like the way she moves, or the way she speaks. All of these are rather obvious overt signs, which mean that it is pretty easy to decide if one is interested in the female or not. But what about submission? This is not something that a woman can easily display, like her body shape or an article of clothing.

To complicate things even further, frequently the women I have been attracted to were often not even aware that they had a submissive nature! At least not consciously. IOW – they were doing nothing overt to attract me. And yet they did.

And to add an even more mysterious layer of complexity to the issue, when I have questioned these women about if they were attracted to me, much of the time they will say that their first impression were not always possitive. I was often considered to be too short, or not muscular enough, or just not their normal “type.”

Yet, in a rather short amount of time after their first impression (let’s call it their second impression) they became highly attracted to me. And to make things all the more bizarre, in many of the cases, these women became attracted to me without having ever met me, seen a picture of me, or even heard my voice. More than a few woman have been attracted to me solely on the basis of the words I have written to them in emails.

Have I perhaps chased these women? Perhaps I hunted them forcing the strength of my power on them? Not really, I have never really been a “hunter” of women. The chase itself doesn’t interest me that much.

Segue: Many men and women say they find the “chase/hunting/capture” part of the romance/seduction process to be the most thrilling, and once they have made the catch (or been captured), they quickly become bored with their partner. I think this is because that this stage of the courtship allows one partner to play at being dominant “the hunter” and the other can assume a submissive stance. Both partners enjoy the natural erotic tension that must develop even if they are only “playing” at the D/s dynamic. This play process culminates (generally) in a sexual experience. While both partners bring a great deal of arousal into this interaction, they often do not, or cannot, bring their role (Dom or sub) from the play time, into the real time. Something prevents them from continuing their relative D/s roles. Perhaps it is because their true natures are revealed, and their relative energies do not match, and so they go their own ways. Perhaps it is because they are reluctant to follow the natural pathway, fearful of the consequences of assuming their true natures, and so they part. I know this does not apply to all one night stands, but I think it does account for a great number of them.

Now where was I?

I have no, or at least very little, interest in chasing females. While they do not “flock” to me (nor would I wish them to) I can’t say I have any complaints.

So, how are these women becoming attracted me? Or, put another way, what do I see in them that makes them attractive to me?

One more twist before I forget – sandra (my wife) can often pick out another submissive female even faster than I can, and she is always right. She is not attracted to them, but she does know them.

Segue: Recently sandra told me that she has for a very long time sensed an energy field that comes into existence when I am physically close to her. She describes it as oval shaped, surrounding the both of us. She says this energy feels very good to her, I believe the word she used was that it “completed” her. She also said that when I move away she senses it as a tangible loss. I do not make fun of this, even though I do not understand it. Over the years my first girl has demonstrated to me on more than one occasion that she has senses which I simply label as “witchy.” I believe other women have witchy powers as well. I do not, though I must say I do enjoy being close to my girl. So, if sandra says she feels it, than I know she does. I even tested her recently, and she passed with flying colours. However, I am not sure if this field she describes has anything to do with D/s or if it is more a manifestation of our love for each other, which is why I mention this in a seque.

Can I explain the process? No. I just know that there is something that a submissive female does attracts me. Call it her energy, or aura, or whatever. I see it, and I read it.

If I am interested in the girl (and in truth only a very few do), then I will normally try a simple test, like telling her to do something, or write something, or say something, or if she is physically present ask her to position herself in a certain way. I observe how she responds. Through this approach I can quickly identify if my first impression was correct.

The rest is fairly straightforward.

So to answer your question from my personal pov, there is not a great deal the woman can do one way or the other to reflect her energy to me. Either she will interest me or she will not, and there will not be a great deal she can do one way or the other to influence my decision.

Of course, I like to think of myself as a fairly well-developed dominant. This whole process becomes much challenging when dealing with a dominant man who is not even aware of his nature which I suspect is much more the usual case.

I haven’t really answered the question yet, but I think I need to take a rest now. I shall finish this up later.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

So how do you tell your man that you think you are submissive?

Greetings all,

A bit of a roll going on here today. I was asked a question by a female submissive concerning how to let her male partner know that she has discovered her nature and wants him to (hopefully) become involved as well. Here is the question and my reply,


> From there, how does she explain that to her
> man?

The easy answer is that she follows the first two rules of a D/s relationship which is to say 1) She is honest with him about her current feelings and 2) She trusts him to do what is right.

The more difficult answer is that every relationship is different, and honesty is not always felt to be the best policy.

I am not a councillor, I would not presume to advice anyone on how to open the BDSM door from within the confines of their own home. Once the door is open I am more than willing to share of my own knowledge and experience, but until then there is little I can do.

There is, sadly, a great risk associated with revealing her nature to her "man". He may reject her calling her a pervert or slut. He may be incredulous, not willing to believe what she is saying. He may become angry and consider her "research" to be a form of betrayal. He may gossip, and let everyone know what she has revealed to him in the greatest of confidences.

Not all men are willing to entertain the notion that they have not been able to fully satisfy their women, eh?

Even fewer are willing to allow a "mentor/advisor/trainer/whatever" into the deepest and most private intimacies of their relationship with their woman.

Not an easy thing at all.

Be seeing you,

Helping a woman understand herself

Greetings all,

I was asked an interesting question today in an email. I thought I would share it, and my reply.


> So, the first question to answer is, how to best help a
> woman understand
> herself??

This is not a new question for me. I have thought about it for more than a few years.

As I see it, this is a complex problem. One must wait until she asks to be helped, to do otherwise would be non-consensual. She will only ask if she perceives she can be helped by another. She will only gain this perception via research. And she will only do this research if she feels something is wrong, and is willing to look backward, past her decades of social conditioning to her primal genetic nature. Preventing her from seeing through the curtain of culturally created attitudes are a massive of array of "supporters" who will collectively do their best to prevent her from looking at her nature. Psychiatrists who will diagnose her sense of malaise as anything from depression to bi-polar. Feminists who will vilify her as a traitoress slut. Marketers who create all manner of consumable (and often addictive) products and services to temporarily quench her natural cravings. Friends who will counsel and advise her against such explorations (many of the submissives I know are still embarrassed and ashamed to admit to their closest vanilla friends what their nature truly is. Very very few have come out of their cages).

Not to mention most of the men in her life, who in most cases have suffered as well at the hands of the same cultural conditioning and who have therefore, for the most part, have forgotten their own nature.

In the final analysis, I have no answer to your question. The only answer I do have, would require an environment that would tolerate a non-consensual interaction model, and clearly that won't fly so I will not share it.

But if you ever do find out the answer, I would be most appreciative if you would share it with me.

Be seeing you,

The Single Submissive - redux

Greetings all,

I would like to return to the question of the single submissive briefly. Someone wrote to me and asked about what would be appropriate behaviour for a single submissive who found herself provoked by a male, but was not sure if this was explicit or simply their nature. In other words, if a female submissive is interested in a male, how can she handle the interaction?

I thought this was an excellent question. Here is an excerpt of my answer.

My first answer would be to say that one simply waits for the dominant to take the lead. If he does not, then there is no point in trying to attract him, for he is simply not interested. If on the other hand he takes the lead, comes to you, focuses his energy on you, then it makes sense to respond. Your response should be anything that your inner nature tells you is appropriate (and here I am of course speaking to the submissive, not the slut!). If at any time you get a negative signal from him (and they are obvious), then you simply back down.

IOW - one accepts that not all attractions work. In fact, most do not. This is nothing personal. It is simply the energy and chemistry of human interaction. By accepting that it is not our person that is being rejected, but rather the potential relationship, then one can let go of the thing rather quickly.

OTOH - because we live in an era of political correctness, it is often the case that the dominant male will be reluctant to take the lead, having been conditioned to believe that this is the female's prerogative. In such a case, a potential relationship may be stillborn. However, I would suggest that in this scenario, the well mentored submissive can make an early advance, secure in her confidence, with the full internal understanding that her lead may be rejected (as explained above). Such a move could be anything, a comment, a gesture, a tilt of the head, the touching of hair, etc. If after that, he still does not take the lead, well then, something is wrong with him, eh?

Do not assume that your forwardness would be inappropriate. It might be, but too in might not. Until you try, there is not way of solving the dilemma. And it is the dilemma that will eat you up, so resolve it.

One should be wary of going to play parties and munches. Just because someone is introduced as a dominant does not mean that they can provoked the submissive response. In fact, I have been told by many females that this rarely happens. OTOH - a female submissive will sometimes find herself reacting to a male in a context far ourside a D/s relationship. It could happen at work, at a social event, or even a random encounter. The undeveloped female senses this, but does not know what it means, and may therefore act in an inappropriate manner. The better developed submissive will recognize what is going on, but may be unsure as to the best course of action. The well developed submissive has the self-confidence, and knowledge, to properly reflect this energy, thereby signalling her availablity, or at least interest.

These interactions take place all the time. The dynamics are often unnoticed but that does not make them less real.

Be seeing you,

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