Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Long-lived triads

Long lived triads

A common sexual fantasy for many men and women is “the threesome”. While the composition of participants may vary, the fantasy itself is generally the same – an evening of sexual delight and bliss exploring erotic positions and activities not achievable with only two participants. There is no need to detail the myriad of possible combinations. The porn industry and your own overactive imagination have done a much better job of developing the taxonomy of these threesomes than I ever will.

Yet for many who actually have the opportunity of being with two other partners at the same time, the reality of the experience is often far less erotic and sensual than their fantasy. IMO – much of this has to do with the fact that many of us find it a challenge to be perfectly at ease when there are three participants. Sex is intimate and personal, and when there is an emotional mismatch between the participants (i.e. if I am very close to one partner but not the other) it becomes a challenge to maintain a balance.

Many, if not most, threesomes are comprised of a couple and a “third wheel”. The couple may be involved in a long term relationship and might simply be looking for a third person to add a little “spice” to their sexual activities. This is not generally a problem if the threesome will only be together for a single night, but what if a longer-term relationship is being considered? Such a possibility represents a potential minefield of emotional and sexual dangers. Given the current rates of divorce, one can only assume that the addition of a third party, and the increased complexity of the social dynamics, will make the viability of the relationship very difficult indeed. For example, one party may feel jealousy, another might feel envy, another might feel insecure, another may feel alienated, etc. So while the sex may be great, the potential emotional damage is substantial, so much so that I believe most people avoid even the discussion of a triad in the context of a long-term commitment.

Even in polyamorous relationships these complexities are rampant. And while we don’t really have any statistics to help us understand how well these relationships work out, I can’t help but feel that most of them do not succeed, or do not reach their full potential.

Of course, some threesomes (and moresomes) do succeed. Certain religions allow for polygamy, which at least superficially gives the illusion of long-term viability. But even here I suspect there are many issues and problems. We just don’t get to see them. Or, put another way, when any of the participants in such a relationship feel trapped, it is nonetheless likely they will stay in the relationship, even if they are not being satisfied by it.

It sounds as if the deck is seriously stacked against any threesome (or triad) succeeding. Very few of them ever make it past the first one-night stand, and even when they do, it is mostly about sex.

My belief is that the D/s dynamic may hold the key to making this sort of relationship work. The nature of a D/s relationship seems to provide the ethical and behavioral foundations on which to base a viable and long-lasting triad.

Segue: I prefer to use the word triad, rather than threesome. As I explained in my previous blog entry, I define a triad as three people that work as a unit. I believe this best describes the sort of relationship I am speaking about.

Those who have read my writings know that I consider honesty, trust, and obedience to be the critical requirements I demand from a Submissive and that for a Dominant I consider honesty, trust, and responsibility to be critical.

Obedience on one side, responsibility on the other. Can these somehow provide guidance to making a triad successful? Beyond this, can the Submissive’s desire to serve and be found pleasing, and the Dominant’s desire to control and develop, somehow provide a solid framework on which a triad can flourish? Good questions. I will let you know as soon as I find out! However, what I can tell you, based on my experiences to date, is that the answer to both questions seems to be “Yes”.

The Submissive will obey, which means that she will stay in the triad even at the cost of her own emotional well-being. This must therefore be balanced by the responsibility of the Dominant to protect the Submissive, which can be a challenge (as in my case) if the triad consists of two Submissives and a single Dominant. Firstly, there is a natural desire to enjoy the service of two females. The sexual possibilities become broader, and of course there is the ego gratification of having two beauties at one’s disposal. Also, it is possible that the Dominant may become obsessive about the new female, and therefore become less sensitive to the emotional state of the other girl.

Vigilance is therefore mandatory. As the primary control in the relationship, the Dominant cannot allow his desire to overcome his responsibility. Difficult decisions may be required; decisions that may not please him, but still must be taken. At a minimum he needs to maintain a constantly open and honest communication with both Submissives. This will be a challenge for all parties. The payoff will not only be a more viable relationship, but the service of two girls who can focus all of their attention on being pleasing, rather than being distracted by negative energy and thinking.

Balance is also critical. Each participant will have different needs and desires. Often these will be in conflict and satisfying them may seem impossible. Yet, it can be done. The key seems to be in allowing empathy to develop between the participants. Each must recognize the needs of the other, and in so doing, be willing to make compromises. Compromise is inevitable, but the Dominant must be aware that the Submissives may appear to accept the compromise when in reality all they are doing is trying to please him at the expense of their own emotional well-being. Again, open communication is the key to avoiding this pitfall.

Bottom line: It is now my belief that long-lived triads are viable. They can be made to work, but it requires dedication, trust, empathy and understanding. Furthermore, I believe that the D/s lifestyle may provide an excellent foundation for the creation of viable triads, but the responsibility for their maintenance is mostly in the hands of the Dominant(s). For those seeking to achieve this balance they must be prepared for a fair amount of emotional challenges before balance is achieved, but there is a tremendous payoff when it does.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me directly.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Back after the summer break

Greetings all,

It has been some time since my last post. I have been wondering at my lack of motivation, since in the past I seemed to devote so much of my time to online writing, both here and in my personal communications. I suspect that part of the reason has to do with FetLife, where I spend much more time nowadays, but there are other reasons as well. For example, I am not currently mentoring anyone. In the past, I have found that mentoring tended to provoke or challenge me to address various topics in D/s, which provided the fodder for this blog. And while I have spent a fair amount of time over the last year in training a particular female, this has been for my own personal pleasure and therefore not really anything I felt I need to share. Beyond this, between my slave and my pet I have been rather occupied. Two girls can keep a fellow busy, which means less free time for posting.

Still, I can't help but notice that it has been over two months since my last entry, which is really too long.

(BTW - if any of you have any suggestions for topics you would like me to write about, or if you would like to share some of your own writing, contact me via email).

Speaking about training, I am happy to report that my rope work continues to improve. I have been devoting a fair amount of time to studying some of the more classical shibari ties and trying to emulate them with decent success. I have also been busy in the workshop and have built a nice whipping post, a wooden pony, plus mounted a beam in my basement for suspension work. If you would like to see some photos, head over to my FetLife profile page to see some examples of the sort of things I am doing. Very enjoyable, and fairly intense work.

I am also happy to report that I have received a fair amount of positive feedback con my first audio file "Destiny". So much so that I have decided to record another, probably longer one in the very near future. I even have some ideas for some free style, improv recordings which might prove interesting.

In other news, I have the bits and pieces of about three new stories which I have been working on. My problem has been finding the time, and motivation, to complete them. Again, I believe that the real world has been consuming much of my efforts and motivations lately, leaving little time for the writing of fiction. However recently I have noticed a growing desire on my part to sit down and write again so perhaps I will get back to these tales in the near future.

On the downside I believe my interest in mentoring and teaching has diminished a bit because of my activity on FetLife. Frankly, I am coming to the conclusion that the BDSM community in general, and those interested in a D/s lifestyle in particular, have too many different perspectives, too many different ways of seeing their relationships, for consensus ever to be possible. IOW - everybody is always right. Frankly I find this totally inclusive attitude (ie - "its all good if you are enjoying yourself") rather difficult to deal with. Perhaps I am getting too set in my ways?

But iae - this morning I do find myself with some things to write about and so I shall.

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