Thursday, April 16, 2009

Domination vs Abuse

Domination vs. abuse

Greetings,

I know I have approached this subject before, but a recent comment from a reader has prompted me to revisit the topic in more depth.

Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of a D/s relationship is the subject of punishments. I have written a fair amount on the subject of effective punishments, but I can appreciate that for those who have never really been exposed to the D/s lifestyle, the following question must still present itself; “How can one tell the difference between an effective D/s relationship, and a woman in an abusive relationship?”

Of course, for those who are in effective D/s relationships this question hardly ever comes up. D/s is empowering, energizing, and liberating. It is a completely obvious thing. Abusive relationships, otoh, are the antithesis of D/s. The abused partner finds themselves stripped of self-esteem and sense of self-worth, not to mention feeling trapped and imprisoned against their will.

Yet, from the outside looking in, how can we tell them apart. Consider the following scenario:

A man comes home at the end of the day. He carefully examines the way the house has been cleaned in his absence. He discovers that it has not been done to his liking. He calls his wife (or partner) into the bedroom, puts her across his knees, and gives her a hard and prolonged spanking. Tears begin to flow down her face as her ass cheeks turn rosy. She begins to scream out in pain and promising over and over again never to fail at her task again. Finally he relents and she falls to her knees thanking him.

Question: what sort of relationship is this? Effective D/s, or abusive? Based solely on the observable facts it could be either, yes?

Let us take this one step further. The next day, this woman is having lunch with a girl friend. Over the course of the meal she reveals the incident of the previous day. Her friend is shocked and tells her she should report her husband to the police for wife abuse, assault, battery, etc. She also says that she should leave her husband at once. The spanked woman protests, telling her friend that she really doesn’t understand. She goes on to say that in fact “she deserved it”, since she failed at her task and knew their would be consequences. She also says that fortunately this doesn’t happen to often and that her husband is a good man, but very strict.

Question: Is it any clearer as to what sort of relationship she is in? I would suggest not.

The issue is further muddied by the fact that she is discussing her situation with a vanilla friend who has no background in D/s and is therefore not qualified to make a judgment (though this will not stop her from doing so). True, there are professionals out there (sometimes called “kink-friendly”) who might be better qualified to reach a conclusion, but ever here it might be a difficult call.

My own feelings is that, in the end, it is only the individual herself who can determine if she is being abused or empowered. She must question herself carefully: “What do I get out of the relationship?”, “Why do I stay with him?”, “Do I obey because I am afraid of him losing control of himself?”, “When I perform my disciplines and tasks, do I do so with joy, or with fear?”, “Are we open and honest in our communications with each other?”, “Do I feel he is honest, trusting, and responsible?” “Am I ashamed to tell others about our relationship, or do I wish I could shout about it from the rooftops?”

It is only through self-examination that a conclusion can be reached.

Of course, I suspect there are readers out there who will say that, in certain cases, these women may have been “brainwashed” or “conditioned” to believe they are being empowered, when their reality is one of abuse. It is very challenging to debate the topic with these individuals since they have already passed judgement, and what they are trying to do is convince others of their point of view. I know, I have tried.

Sometimes, I wish there was an easily accessible site created by women, for other women. The site would be a forum for those who have been empowered by the D/s experience, and for those who have questions. Something along the domestic discipline site known as “Taken in Hand” but more focused on the broader D/s relationship issues.

However, not being female, I shall have to leave such a thing to others.

Be seeing you,

Monday, April 13, 2009

Re-extending an invitation

Greetings all,

I have been noticing that, for whatever reason, there appear to be more people reading my blog as of late.

I am always on the lookout for any essays, stories, anecdotes, or anything else anyone would be interested in sharing concerning their own D/s journey.

Contact me via private email (should be easy to find on my blog profile page, if not let me know in a comment here and I will post it) if you have anything you would like to share. Or, if that doesn't work, simply contact me at cross_mackenzie@yahoo.com

Be seeing you,

Mackenzie

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Making of a Dominant

Greetings,

The other day I was browsing the lists of threads on FetLife and came across a post by a 21 year female. She was saying that her “subbie” boyfriend wanted her to dress more “domie” for him and she was looking for advice.

On another thread a 31 year male, who called himself dominant wrote,

“I'm new at being a dominant and have asked my partner what he would like me to wear. However, what shouldn't I wear as a Dominant?”

Hmmm…

I was all set to write a rather scathing reply to both these posters, but held myself in check. In fact, I was rather proud of my restraint. After all, I am sure neither of these people were deliberately trying to be difficult or appear stupid. They probably really are interested in being pleasing to their partner.

Or perhaps clothes make the dominant?

These are not examples of what I would call an effective D/s relationship, but if it works for them, then why not, eh? After all, who am I to judge? Each to their own.

Still, it got me to thinking, is it possible to make a dominant? Is it possible to take someone who has never shown any signs of being dominant and somehow turn them into a dominant personality? Do switches become dominant when they take on the role of top?

Long time readers of this blog can probably guess at my first response. A dominant can not be made. Dominance is a quality of one’s nature, it is coded into one’s genes. One either is, or is not, dominant. That, more or less, should be the end of the matter.

Sadly, it is not.

My recent posting about Women I Have Known prompted a couple of comments. What was interesting about these responses was how they both spoke about the same thing,namely latent submissive females who were somehow provoked later on in life. IOW - women who never imagined themselves as being submissive suddenly being provoked and having no option but to accept their nature. Too, this is not unique. It has happened often in my various encounters with the women I have provoked. At some point the woman would turn to me and say she had no idea that she had been submissive. That her awakening had been a complete surprise. This has lead me to conclude that there are probably many other latent submissive females out there who have never been provoked, and sadly never will be.

Well then, if a female can be a latent submissive, is it possible for a male to be a latent dominant?

Now I have not mentored many couples but in those I have the male partner always started off with a desire to please his woman, and only later allowed his dominant nature to surface. In each case the man began by not really understanding what his partner was asking him to do. In the beginning it was certainly a case of "going through the motions" to try and spice up the relationship or something. I can appreciate why so many men, after years of social conditioning, are reluctant to take their hand, or a whip, to their woman's bottom. I can understand why a man would have difficulty accepting that his partner wants him to define his pleasure and enforce his will upon her through disciplines, rituals and structures.

Yet, in time, these men who I had a chance to mentor began to understand the D/s dynamic, and more, came to realize that they did have a dominant core that was more than able to take control of the relationship. Each was different of course, but they all shared something in common; a realization that they had their own power, they could express their power, and that it felt good, natural, and proper to do so.IOW - once they were freed of the social inhibitions which they had been chained to, they were very comfortable becoming fully realized dominant males. No, they were not all sadists. And no, they were not all interested in rope work, kinky sex, humiliation play, etc. No, what they shared was the sense of honesty, trust and responsibility in taking on the dominant role of their relationship.

To the best of my knowledge this has made them personally more balanced, and their relationships much stronger and more balanced as well.

In the end, perhaps what is required is some sort of wake up call for the dominant males out there. Something which will tell them it is okay to be themselves. Perhaps, like submissives, there are many latent dominants in the population, just waiting to be awakened.

Such a thought gives me a certain degree of comfort. Although it does beg the question as to how we can wake them all up. Something for another blog entry I suppose.

Be seeing you,

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Women I have known

In my life I have known a few women.

I have known a woman, a very special and wonderful submissive, who so badly needed to be of service that she cried tears of remorse that she could not.

I have known a woman who abused her body for my pleasure, at the end of a phone, till she screamed in agony and frustration, awaiting my permission to release.

I have known a woman who sniffed at my shoes so she could cum. It was difficult for her to cum on her own unless she could worship my shoes. I didn’t even have to be present. Just having my shoes was enough for her.

I have know women who have been so terrified by their deep desire to submit that they acted dishonestly. Some of them, later, begged to be punished so that they might be forgiven.

I have known women who could only be provoked by me.

I have known other women who would happily spread their legs for anyone.

I have known still other women who would spread their legs for anyone, if they knew it would please me. Especially if I was watching.

I have known women who have submitted their bodies to my pleasure, knowing that they were going to hurt, yet willing to accept the suffering so they could be pleasing. More, they NEEDED to know that I was not considering there feelings in the least, when I used them in this manner.

I have known women to transform into the lowest of sluts, surprising even themselves in the intensity of their cravings, the heat of their burning, the terrible itch in their crotch that only a cock can satisfy. Women, who to anyone’s eye were lady-like and perfectly proper in their outward appearance, becoming whimpering sexual beasts, carnal creatures lost in an erotic rapture, willing to do anything, anything at all. Willing, promising, pleading to do things which they used to find repugnant and vile. Licking and sucking in manners not unworthy of a porn star.

I have seen women reveal their dark desire for pain. Not just being whipped, or spanked, or canned. Every woman I have known had a craving for such things. But there were other women, a much smaller percentage. These had other fantasies, other scenarios where their consent was removed, when there were no safe words, no limits. Deep terrible fantasies of torture, mutilation, and death. These women who were by any measure sane and rational begged me to let loose my own inner beast and let go the leash.

I have had women needfully plead to be humiliated. To be debased, demeaned, objectified, and then tormented. To be put in the mud and handled like animals. To be shown not a shred of consideration. Women with high self-esteem, and a strong wilful character express eternal gratitude to have their mouth used as my personal toilet.

And the ropes, how so very very very many of them crave the ropes. I think all of them have craved the ropes.

I know a woman, a successful professional female in her middle years who is wealthier than I shall ever be, who is always in charge of everything around her, claim that the only time she really feels herself is when she was on her knees in front of me, ready to serve at my pleasure. She will do anything and everything I ask of her.

Another woman I know, has vowed her slavery to me. We are both adults and are well aware that this is not a legal thing, but in all the ways that are meaningful, both good and bad, she is my slave, and I am her Master. I mostly treat her very well, but sometimes I do not. She has no choices. She is slave.

I admire and respect all these women. I do not claim to have a full understanding of why these things happen. Why and how I provoke them. Some of them I have never met in person. Some I have met only very rarely. Some I was able to provoke even before they heard the sound of my voice.

I know with certainty that out there in the rest of the world there are others like these women I have had the privilege to know. So while I consider each and every one of them to be unique, I also know that they share a common sisterhood with so many others. Which means there are other fellows out there, like myself, who seem to have this affect on certain women.

It is a strange and puzzling thing. I have my theories, the things I have spoken of in my blog to date, but really that is all they are – theories.

Happily, I do not have to understand it in order to enjoy it.

Be seeing you,

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tips and Guidelines for the Free Range Submissive

Greetings,

Last year I wrote a series of entries on the single submissive. These were mostly devoted to different classifications and how an un-partnered submissive might get by in the world.

Recently I wrote about how a single submissive might keep her sub-fever burning, even when not being stimulated by a dominant.

But what of a single submissive, confident in her nature, who is not seeking a partner, but simply a good time? IOW – how does a single submissive “play the field” and what tips can I offer to help keep the playtime enjoyable and safe?

Segue: I am mostly thinking of the female submissive here, thought I am sure much of the same would apply to a malesub.

Before I get much further into this discussion I think it is important for you, the submissive, to be clear about your objectives. Are you looking for sex? Are you looking to serve? Are you looking for S&M play? Are you looking for a one-scene stand or an ongoing casual relationship? Are you perhaps looking for nothing more than a fuck-buddy coupled with a bit of the kink? Perhaps you just want some hot phone sex without actually meeting anyone. None of these are bad, but unless you really know what you want I think it will be very difficult to find it.

To my way of thinking, there are two broad options available. The first is to use local resources (i.e. your local BDSM group), and the second is to seek Mr GoodDom via an online resource. I will first share my thoughts about the online approach.

By all means join any of the major web sites which match doms and subs, tops and bottoms, etc. Places such as alt.com, collarme.com, Fetlife.com, etc. These are excellent resources since they increase the likelihood of finding what you are looking for. On the other hand, they also attract a great number of people that you are probably not looking for. The problem is trying to separate these two groups. Also, in such large communities, it is easy for a submissive to become overloaded with messages and emails from people who are convinced they are just what she needs. How then to avoid an onslaught of useless electronic communications, and improve the opportunity of narrowing down the search to a few select individuals, while at the same time being respectful to others and a good reflection of their training? The answer is to be respectfully assertive.

The mistake too many submissives make is in assuming that since they are submissive they must display themselves and wait to be approached by a “Master”. Poppycock. While the dominant you are looking for may state that he is looking for a part time sub to play with on his own profile page, it is unlikely that he would contact you first. The submissive must approach the dominant. It is the nature of the experienced submissive to understand this dynamic and use it to their advantage.

So, first thing you do in your profile is write the following: “You are welcome to contact me, but I do not promise to reply. I am here looking for someone, and when I find them, I will contact them directly. If you need to contact me, then you are probably not the one I am looking for at this time.” Or if you really do not wish to have people contact you then write “PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME! If you contact me, then you are not what I am looking for right now. I will not reply.” Or whatever. The language is your own choice.

However, even having said that prepare that you will receive quite a few responses. Sadly, such is the nature of many of these online communities. You may read or ignore them as you wish. Just remember to question the motivation of those who sent them.

If you wish to attract a great deal of response then post a photo. If you wish to attract even more of a response post a photo of yourself nude. If you are going to post a photo make sure it is current. Make sure all of your responses to the profile questions are honest.

Stay away from anyone looking for a slave. These generally would be longer term relationships.

Consider a younger and preferably inexperienced partner. Younger males have great energy and can be trained. Of course, you will need to find one who has the latent power of dominance, but that should be easy enough to detect.

Another alternative is to take on the role of a “new girl” in an established household on a periodic basis. You would be looking for a D/s couple, who would be seeking a second girl for the household. Be prepared to be used for domestic as well as sexual chores.

If your interest is mostly sexual consider finding a top. They might not be dominant, but they could create a decent illusion for a brief period of time. You may also wish to consider a same-gender top, or domme for play and/or service scenes.

If your interest is mostly service, and you are not interested in someone younger, and don’t want to be a second girl, then search the available dominants until you find someone who attracts you. Read what they have written. Learn as much as you can before you approach them with your request. Write to them, as respectfully as possible, and be up front about what you are looking for, your objectives, limits, etc. Then wait for their response. If it is negative or there is no reply at all, which will be in most cases, then you must let it go. If it is positive, then do not get too excited for you would still have much to do before your session. Remember to ask for and check references.

Or, you could simply let your inner slut out, and randomly select partners from the large selection of invitation you are going to get and see what happens.

Regardless of which of these options are chosen, you must be extra careful to play safely. In longer term relationships this is not really a problem since you take extra time to discover each other, but in these short term, throwaway relationships, safety becomes paramount. So, do all the right things. Make sure you have a buddy to call to tell that you are safe. Meet in public first. Require the use of safe sex practices. Set strict limits and guidelines. Etc. You should know all this by now.

OTOH – if you choose to use the resources of your local BDSM group you will have a much smaller population to choose from, but it will be much easier to check them out. Further, since most local groups also have play parties, in addition to munches, you can both observe and participate with potential partners in relative safety. Also, some local groups may have “private play parties” where sex will be permitted.

As a final thought, consider hiring a pro Domme. There are probably more than a few in your area. They (should) know what they are doing and you can enjoy the luxury of the very high end gear they can bring to the experience. Get references and enjoy.

Enough for the moment. More later, maybe.

Be seeing you,

Back after a spell - Status Update

Greetings all,

It has been about a month. I thought it was time for a status update, and also to get active here again with some blogging. I think blogging is a bit like radio broadcasting. Some broadcasters receive great amounts of feedback, others receive much much less.

When I was much younger I use to have a late show on my university’s radio network. Sometimes, when speaking into the mic, in an empty room, in the dead of night, I would wonder if there was anyone listening. Occasionally I’d get a phone call, but often it was the same person calling. Perhaps they were lonely, or perhaps they really enjoyed listening to my words, and the music I played. It was a strange ironic sensation of being exposed and isolated at the same instant.

Blogging is like that I think. Although I am a fairly certain that the readership of this blog is rather more than those who were my faithful listeners back on radio-u, I believe that it is still a rather limited group. Which is fine. I am really not that interested in consorting with that slut known as Fame. My sluts are far superior to anything she can offer.

Still, when I look at other blogs, those with much larger readership than mine, I can’t help but wonder at the topics that so many people seem to find so much interest in, and which interest me not at all. It makes me feel like an outsider at times. Happily, this thought does not discontent me.

IAE, I have been writing a great deal on FetLife as of late. Mostly in response to questions asked in a variety of threads. I have found that the questions and/or comments of others seems to motivate me to respond. More so than trying to develop new essays for my blog. While I still intend to keep my blog going, it is clear to me that, at least for the moment, I have been devoting much more of my writing time to FetLife. However, as I mentioned at the beginning, I am going to try and spend more time here over the next little while.

Speaking of writing, I have been a bit frustrated recently with my lack of fictional writing. It is not for lack of material though. I have at least 3 stories in various stages of completion, and ideas for at least two or three more. It would be easy to say that I simply haven’t had the time, but that would not be the truth. I just haven’t been doing it. Writer’s block? Somehow I don’t think so. I know what needs to be written. It is simply a question of doing it. Hopefully I will feel like doing it again rsn.

Still, even older stories can serve a purpose. I recently submitted some of my older stories to an editor looking for material for a print anthology. Too soon to get any response. We will see what happens.

sandra has mentioned to me on more than one occasion that she thinks it would be a great idea if I put all of my fictional and non-fictional material into a single printed volume. A couple of other people have agreed with her. While the thought of having “The collected writings of Mackenzie Cross” does stroke my ego, I don’t have the foggiest notion how one would even go about doing such a thing. Happily, it appears that there are a few people out there who are willing to lend some support. I will provide updates as things of significance occur.

While the spring ski season is upon us, my (other) work has picked up lately and I will probably be missing most of it. Too bad, but I could use the work. Besides, last year was one of the most amazing spring ski seasons ever, so an off year now does not bother me too much.

I have also been toying with the idea of building some BDSM-themed furniture. While I have built some simple tools like a spreader bar, etc, I want to try my hand at something more significant. I have decided that a cage would be a good thing to start with. I have been evaluating different plans and will probably get started once my current weeks on the road come to an end. I wish the cage to be functional, but also pleasing to look at, since I will be keeping it in my room.

It is good to have projects.

Be seeing you,

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