Greetings all,
I've used the phrase "responsible sadist" a few times since I have started this blog. I thought it might be time to define what I mean.
The term "sadist" normally conjures up an image of a raving madman, or calculating pychopath, bent on inflicting the most outlandish and brutal of pain on his (rarely hers) unwilling victim. This image is perpetuated in our news media, fiction, movies, tv, etc. After enough exposure the population comes to believe that:
- Sadists are mentally imbalanced individuals, with deep physiological problems, probably stemming from the fact that there mothers did not love thm
- Any victim is suitable fodder for a sadist's terrible desires
- There is no way for a "normal" person to be a sadist
- Sadists are evil
- etc.
Strangely, most of these impressions and conclusions are in-keeping with the last sexual bogeyman we had, the homosexual. Go back and look at the media concerning gays prior to say 1970 or so and you will see them cast in much the same light. They were considered mentally ill individuals who needed, more than anything else, to be cured, to be made normal. Nowadays this sort of argument seems ludicrous, yet back then it was taken as gospel. Gays were therefore forced to stay in the closet, meet in secret places, and yes many of them were taken advantage of in one way or the other.
I would suggest that the same thing applies to those whose sexual preference is sadistic in orientation (or masochistic for that matter). IOW - I see nothing wrong with being sadistic, so long as one behaves in a responsible manner.
Once you have determined that you become sexually aroused at the thought of using extreme sensations to stimulate your partner, how then can you become responsible? I would suggest the following rules:
- It must be consensual. This is an absolute. It is wrongful to engage in S&M activities with any partner who has not previously agreed. Anything else is abuse and immoral, imo.
- Be honest. The responsible dominant accepts who he (she) is. While one need not wear a label to that effect, there is also no need to pretend to be anything else than what you are. If one is starting with a new partner, let them know as soon as possible.
- Educate yourself. When dealing with the extreme, one must understand how things operate. The consequences of engaging in activities that you do not fully understand are simply too serious to be entered into lightly. Not only does this include understanding your equipment, but also how the human body reacts to sensations, how to be safe, first aid techniques, etc. The more you understand, the better prepared you will be to handle the unexpected. If possible, find someone to train you in different techniques, don't try and do it all yourself. Through education you will learn how to be safe with your partner. Remember, they are trusting you to look after them.
- Know your partner. As I have mentioned, different masochists can handle different levels of pain. Do not expect one size to fit all. Learn their limits and respect them. If you want something more extreme, find another partner.
- Start slow. When beginning with a new partner don't start with the most extreme. Start slow, learn their threshold and boundaries, and layer on new sensations incrementally.
- Be tolerant of critique. After a scene, make sure you speak to your partner about their reaction. Learn from what they tell you, and adapt accordingly.
The sadist is an individual whose sexual preference is to stimulate their parter by the application of what many would label as pain. The responsible sadist is one who can do this in a method that is safe, sane, and consensual.
Be seeing you,
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Being a responsible sadist
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7 comments:
Greetings,
I am glad to have read what you wrote regarding behaving as a responsible sadist.
These are important rules to live by.
I would like to add something when one is educating himself, one must also understand there own sadistic thoughts. Because I am new to accepting my own thoughts, this is fresh in my mind. I struggled with my thoughts because of poor role models and movies that portrayed evil men.
How could I think these thoughts?
So I went through many periods of self evaluations that took time to process.
You are correct when you say that this MUST be handled slowly.
Dominants must be sure of themselves because they are holding the life of another in the palm of their hand.
Communication is key. Just because one is dominant does not mean they are infallible or know everything.
I agree it is very important to speak with your partner afterwards to understand how they reacted to you and why. This will help further your growth.
Take time and learn as much as you can about yourself, your partner, and techniques to better express yourself. It is a long an exciting journey!
Be well,
Pete
Greetings all,
What Mr. Cross said about sadist is true as well for masochists. Some girls struggle for years thinking there must be something fundamentally wrong with them that they find images and thoughts of violence and pain to be sexy.
Such messages can be very damaging.
It can be a great comfort to be told (finally) that such a thing is not devient, but simply a sign of a more extreme inclination.
It is my understanding that the DSM which is used by the medical community to define what is normal and what is not and been revised to allow for the fact that S&M between consenting adults is not a deviance. I am still trying to have this confirmed.
Greetings Sir,
The DSM-IV, to which you refer, is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition. The DSM is published by the American Psychiatric Association and covers all so-called mental health disorders. This manual is the bible for any health care professional who makes psychiatric diagnoses. It last underwent a major revision in 1994. The next revision, the DSM-V is due for publication in approximately 2012.
Enough background information.
In the DSM-IV, under the category of Sexual Disorders and Paraphilias, one will still find Sexual Masochism (code 302.83) and Sexual Sadism (code 302.84). In both cases the DSM states that treatment of these "disorders" typically involves psychotherapy aimed at uncovering and working through the underlying cause of the behavior. The DSM goes on to state that prognosis is good, although there are other issues which may surface once the behaviors are extinguished. If this is the case, these issues must be worked through, as well.
Hmmm. Not quite sure what these "other issues" might be.....overbearing mother?? Passive father??
At any rate, good to know that the psychiatric community has a handle on the situation. Phew.
In the meantime, stay tuned for the next edition of the DSM only four short years from now, to see whether these behaviors are still deemed deviant and worthy of treatment, or whether all consenting sadist and masochists can be welcomed into the fold of what can henceforth be considered "normal".
As for this girl, she likes to believe that she is one happy, normal, well-adjusted and high-functioning masochist, regardless of what the psychiatrists may think of her.
Regards,
m
Greetings m,
Thanks for the update on DSM.
It is good to know that the psychiatric community has been able to maintain such a wonderful degree of petrification even in the light of ongoing evidence that there is a vast community of perfectly well adjusted people out there who like their sensations at the far end of the curve.
Of course, these are the same people who claimed homosexuality could be cured, eh?
Be seeing you,
Greetings Sir,
Yes, indeed, and it is interesting to note that until 1973, the DSM-II (2nd edition) listed homosexuality as an abnormal behavior under section 302 - Sexual Deviation. Note that this is the same section under which you will continue to find Sexual Masochism and Sexual Sadism listed to this day.In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality as a mental disorder from the DSM-II.
Perhaps the sadists and masochists need to band together to form a strong lobby group to exert a little political pressure before the next major revision of the DSM?
Regardless, this particular masochist will continue to enjoy her sensations at the far end of the curve.
Regards,
m
Greetings *s*
What a relief - others have had the same way of "comparing" what it is to be D/s m/S, or as with me: a rope-cat ^.^!
It is not something we do, "attend every wendnesday evening in a gym...". It is what we are.
[Quote MacKenzie:
Of course, these are the same people who claimed homosexuality could be cured, eh?]
A Dominant I've known for over a year (not in a relationship) made this comment about me and my rope-submissiveness (Kinbaku-submissive par coeur):
"That he'd wait till I got "home" and had finished whatever I had to get done with these ropes..."
!!! Certainly not! I felt so intimidated.
And "threw" in respons:
It's not a passing by thing. It is what I am. The same way as a homosexual IS a homosexual.
respectfully,
nekoko deli (DK)
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