The Making of a Dominant

Greetings,

The other day I was browsing the lists of threads on FetLife and came across a post by a 21 year female. She was saying that her “subbie” boyfriend wanted her to dress more “domie” for him and she was looking for advice.

On another thread a 31 year male, who called himself dominant wrote,

“I'm new at being a dominant and have asked my partner what he would like me to wear. However, what shouldn't I wear as a Dominant?”

Hmmm…

I was all set to write a rather scathing reply to both these posters, but held myself in check. In fact, I was rather proud of my restraint. After all, I am sure neither of these people were deliberately trying to be difficult or appear stupid. They probably really are interested in being pleasing to their partner.

Or perhaps clothes make the dominant?

These are not examples of what I would call an effective D/s relationship, but if it works for them, then why not, eh? After all, who am I to judge? Each to their own.

Still, it got me to thinking, is it possible to make a dominant? Is it possible to take someone who has never shown any signs of being dominant and somehow turn them into a dominant personality? Do switches become dominant when they take on the role of top?

Long time readers of this blog can probably guess at my first response. A dominant can not be made. Dominance is a quality of one’s nature, it is coded into one’s genes. One either is, or is not, dominant. That, more or less, should be the end of the matter.

Sadly, it is not.

My recent posting about Women I Have Known prompted a couple of comments. What was interesting about these responses was how they both spoke about the same thing,namely latent submissive females who were somehow provoked later on in life. IOW - women who never imagined themselves as being submissive suddenly being provoked and having no option but to accept their nature. Too, this is not unique. It has happened often in my various encounters with the women I have provoked. At some point the woman would turn to me and say she had no idea that she had been submissive. That her awakening had been a complete surprise. This has lead me to conclude that there are probably many other latent submissive females out there who have never been provoked, and sadly never will be.

Well then, if a female can be a latent submissive, is it possible for a male to be a latent dominant?

Now I have not mentored many couples but in those I have the male partner always started off with a desire to please his woman, and only later allowed his dominant nature to surface. In each case the man began by not really understanding what his partner was asking him to do. In the beginning it was certainly a case of "going through the motions" to try and spice up the relationship or something. I can appreciate why so many men, after years of social conditioning, are reluctant to take their hand, or a whip, to their woman's bottom. I can understand why a man would have difficulty accepting that his partner wants him to define his pleasure and enforce his will upon her through disciplines, rituals and structures.

Yet, in time, these men who I had a chance to mentor began to understand the D/s dynamic, and more, came to realize that they did have a dominant core that was more than able to take control of the relationship. Each was different of course, but they all shared something in common; a realization that they had their own power, they could express their power, and that it felt good, natural, and proper to do so.IOW - once they were freed of the social inhibitions which they had been chained to, they were very comfortable becoming fully realized dominant males. No, they were not all sadists. And no, they were not all interested in rope work, kinky sex, humiliation play, etc. No, what they shared was the sense of honesty, trust and responsibility in taking on the dominant role of their relationship.

To the best of my knowledge this has made them personally more balanced, and their relationships much stronger and more balanced as well.

In the end, perhaps what is required is some sort of wake up call for the dominant males out there. Something which will tell them it is okay to be themselves. Perhaps, like submissives, there are many latent dominants in the population, just waiting to be awakened.

Such a thought gives me a certain degree of comfort. Although it does beg the question as to how we can wake them all up. Something for another blog entry I suppose.

Be seeing you,