Domination vs Abuse

Domination vs. abuse

Greetings,

I know I have approached this subject before, but a recent comment from a reader has prompted me to revisit the topic in more depth.

Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of a D/s relationship is the subject of punishments. I have written a fair amount on the subject of effective punishments, but I can appreciate that for those who have never really been exposed to the D/s lifestyle, the following question must still present itself; “How can one tell the difference between an effective D/s relationship, and a woman in an abusive relationship?”

Of course, for those who are in effective D/s relationships this question hardly ever comes up. D/s is empowering, energizing, and liberating. It is a completely obvious thing. Abusive relationships, otoh, are the antithesis of D/s. The abused partner finds themselves stripped of self-esteem and sense of self-worth, not to mention feeling trapped and imprisoned against their will.

Yet, from the outside looking in, how can we tell them apart. Consider the following scenario:

A man comes home at the end of the day. He carefully examines the way the house has been cleaned in his absence. He discovers that it has not been done to his liking. He calls his wife (or partner) into the bedroom, puts her across his knees, and gives her a hard and prolonged spanking. Tears begin to flow down her face as her ass cheeks turn rosy. She begins to scream out in pain and promising over and over again never to fail at her task again. Finally he relents and she falls to her knees thanking him.

Question: what sort of relationship is this? Effective D/s, or abusive? Based solely on the observable facts it could be either, yes?

Let us take this one step further. The next day, this woman is having lunch with a girl friend. Over the course of the meal she reveals the incident of the previous day. Her friend is shocked and tells her she should report her husband to the police for wife abuse, assault, battery, etc. She also says that she should leave her husband at once. The spanked woman protests, telling her friend that she really doesn’t understand. She goes on to say that in fact “she deserved it”, since she failed at her task and knew their would be consequences. She also says that fortunately this doesn’t happen to often and that her husband is a good man, but very strict.

Question: Is it any clearer as to what sort of relationship she is in? I would suggest not.

The issue is further muddied by the fact that she is discussing her situation with a vanilla friend who has no background in D/s and is therefore not qualified to make a judgment (though this will not stop her from doing so). True, there are professionals out there (sometimes called “kink-friendly”) who might be better qualified to reach a conclusion, but ever here it might be a difficult call.

My own feelings is that, in the end, it is only the individual herself who can determine if she is being abused or empowered. She must question herself carefully: “What do I get out of the relationship?”, “Why do I stay with him?”, “Do I obey because I am afraid of him losing control of himself?”, “When I perform my disciplines and tasks, do I do so with joy, or with fear?”, “Are we open and honest in our communications with each other?”, “Do I feel he is honest, trusting, and responsible?” “Am I ashamed to tell others about our relationship, or do I wish I could shout about it from the rooftops?”

It is only through self-examination that a conclusion can be reached.

Of course, I suspect there are readers out there who will say that, in certain cases, these women may have been “brainwashed” or “conditioned” to believe they are being empowered, when their reality is one of abuse. It is very challenging to debate the topic with these individuals since they have already passed judgement, and what they are trying to do is convince others of their point of view. I know, I have tried.

Sometimes, I wish there was an easily accessible site created by women, for other women. The site would be a forum for those who have been empowered by the D/s experience, and for those who have questions. Something along the domestic discipline site known as “Taken in Hand” but more focused on the broader D/s relationship issues.

However, not being female, I shall have to leave such a thing to others.

Be seeing you,