The other side of jealousy

The Other Side of Jealousy

In my last blog entry, I discussed the topic of jealousy as viewed/experienced by the Dominant. One of the comments I received in response used an example of the submissive experiencing jealousy towards her Dominant, which made me consider the other side of the coin. Like many things in D/s relationships, jealousy is experienced asymmetrically. Of course, in both cases I consider the root cause of jealousy to be insecurity, but the way it manifests in a Dominant is quite a bit different than the way it manifests in a submissive. And much of this boils down to a question of choice.

Simply put, the Dominant is the one who gets to choose whether or not to share the girl. Therefore, even if he chooses not to address the issue of his jealousy, he can stay protected by simply making sure that no one other than himself gets to enjoy the service of his partner. IOW - even if he is jealous he can make the problem go away (at least for awhile) by simply making sure that she is never in a position to be used by anyone else.

But in most cases, the submissive does not have this choice. If her partner wishes to try another submissive there is little she can do to stop him, short of ending the relationship (or perhaps threatening to do so). Of course, here I am assuming that the couple has NOT negotiated monogamy as part of their relationship.

True, she could rant, rave, scream, cajole, etc., in an effort to get him to change his mind, but many Dominants do not react well to such behavior on the part of their submissives. Therefore, this sort of technique will rarely work.

It seems to me that some other strategy might be required. But before we get into that, let us try to identify the reasons why a Dominant might seek out a second submissive.

1) He might find it pleasing. Enough said about that.

2) He might be curious. Perhaps he would like to try a threesome for the first time.

3) He might wish to further develop his girl. Perhaps he feels she is a latent bi-sexual, or perhaps he feels watching another girl serve him will teach her some valuable techniques.

These are mostly positive reasons, but of course there are other reasons as well.

a) He might be angry with her and goes off with another girl "to get even".

b) He may be losing interest in her, or becoming bored with her.

c) He may have fallen in love with another girl.

The first three reasons should probably not be considered a threat to the relationship, and if properly managed, might even enhance it. The second three reasons are all significant threats to the relationship.

So, what's a girl to do? One thing is certain - as long as she is consumed by the negative energy of jealousy it is unlikely that any positive resolution will be possible. She must somehow let go of her own suffering, step back and examine the relationship in depth, and then make a reasoned response (more on this later). It is only once the emotion has been defused and tempered that any clear thinking becomes possible.

My key to defusing these feelings is as follows:

1) If he is just curious or experimenting, it is unlikely to be a threat to the relationship. If, however, it turns out to be a threat, then perhaps it is time to learn about it.

2) If he has really lost interest, or has fallen in love with another girl, then there is nothing to be done. It is time to move on.

3) If the submissive feels that her partner is making a big mistake, then logical and rational arguments will work much better than screaming, sarcasm, innuendo, or "the silent treatment".

4) If none of this works, and if the submissive cannot find a way to let go of these feelings, then perhaps some sort of counseling is in order.

I strongly recommend that the submissive let her partner know about her feelings, let him know what she is trying to do with them, and ask for his help. Often some reassurance, some talk, some ground rules, etc., can go a long way towards helping.

And if all else fails, well, you can always write to me. Helping couples deal with these things is something that I do.

Hmmm... I have more to write, but I think this entry is long enough now. More later.

Be seeing you,