Some thoughts on Trust in the D/s Dynamic

Greetings all,

In earlier posts I have written about the three pillars on which a D/s relationship is based. For the dominant these are honesty, trust and responsibility. For the submissive they are honesty, trust and obedience. The asymmetrical nature of these pillars are a reflection of the D/s dynamic, equal but different.

Honesty is fairly straightforward. One either is, or is not, honest. I see no middle ground. Honesty is not truth, honesty is only the way one perceives truth, which is a very different thing. Honesty does not mean that one must disclose everything, only that when one does speak it is done honestly.

Responsibility I have spoken about at length in others posts. Obedience is also fairly straightforward, though I should mention that obedience is no excuse for stupidity. Just because you are told to do something stupid does not mean you. That is why the submissive’s requirements for obedience is counterbalanced by the dominant’s requirement to be responsible.

And then there is trust.

What is trust? For me, to trust another is to become vulnerable. When we trust, it means we have faith that the other will not use what we have given them in a harmful or maladaptive manner. To trust means to reveal these vulnerabilities, or assets, knowing that there is a danger, yet accepting it.

To trust someone in one thing, does not mean that one will trust them in all things. I might trust my doctor to give me a proper medical diagnosis, but I would hardly trust him/her to look after my finances. Therefore trust is not all encompassing, it is selective.

Trust is also a process. It does not spring fully formed. Trust is built in layers from our interactions with others. We develop a sense of the trustworthiness of another by first trusting them with small, inconsequential things, before we reveal larger, more serious things. This process takes time.

Why is trust so critical to the D/s dynamic? To my way of thinking it is because D/s deals with some of the most intimate, private and personal of things. Too, so many people feel reluctant to even admit that they have D/s oriented thoughts. Such a revelation in itself requires a fair amount of trust. But beyond this, the submissive must trust the dominant to do what is best. Lacking the right to make any of their own decisions, the submissive places their trust in the dominant to make good choices, assist in their development, not abuse them, be honest and responsible, etc.

If the trust does not exist then it is impossible for a solid relationship to be built.

This need for trust is why I make most submissives wait so long before I will accept them into a formal relationship. They must be prepared to offer me their trust and this can not be done when we still do not know each other very well. And I must learn to trust them, that they will bring their issues to me and that they will behave in a manner in keeping with my expectations.

Those involved in more mundane (vanilla) relationships can probably get by without the same degree of trust (though it won’t be so much fun), but to not have trust in a D/s relationship, and in a Mentor/submissive relationship in particular, is to invite terrible disaster. The Mentor is part therapist, part dominant, part Master, part confidant, etc. It is not possible to develop the submissive without the trust being present. It is not possible to own/master/dominate a submissive without trust being present.

Worse, when the trust is broken (even if it is only the perception of it being broken), the consequences to the relationship are often catastrophic and irrevocable. As it is, most submissives begin feeling somewhat sensitive about their newly discovered nature. They do not want anyone to know (not friends, not family, etc). All of their life they have been conditioned to believe that to be submissive is wrongful, shameful, bordering on sinful. Then they trust someone (a dominant) with their true nature. They are concerned if their trust in the other is warranted. The same applies to a dominant extending his trust to the submissive, for many associate dominance with sadism, which is not really well looked upon in our society.

Having said all this, I must also acknowledge the difficulty that exists in creating and maintaining these trusting relationships, in particular when one is dealing with someone through the imperfect medium of the Internet. That is why it is so important to move slowly, to develop the trust in thin layers, and not to try and run before one can crawl.

Peace.