A reader's comment: Vesta

Greetings all,

In response to my entry on Honesty and Trust Vesta left the following comment.

Yes, the temptation exists to say 'pleasing' things, or to paint oneself in a brighter light than one knows is the truth. Yet, if the 'complete honesty' rule is applied, the results can be outstanding. Perhaps, the submissive needs to know that her honesty will always be taken into account, even when she is giving bad news. As a dominant, I don't expect you to agree, since honesty is assumed, but I think there has to be some assurance that her honesty will be met with appropriate mercy or at least, taken into account. Otherwise, the only reason for her to be honest is punitive (should he find out the truth...), and thus the positive tone of the relationship may be broken.

I think that Vesta touches down on some very good points here, which highlight some of the differences between dominant-thinking and submissive-thinking. I would like to take a bit more time to explore these points.

I can certainly understand why someone would want to paint themselves in the best possible light, and in particular when it is a submissive trying to do her best for her Dominant. After all, why would anyone want to look bad in such a relationship? And so, it is conceivable that a submissive might wish to embellish the truth at times. I think it is fairly obvious why this is a bad idea. First, a Submissive should be generally docile and humble when interacting with her Dominant, not exaggerate her own sense of worth. Her worth and value is to be judged by the Dominant, not by herself. But there is a flip side here as well. Perhaps the Submissive downplays, or omits, certain things that her Dominant should know. This too removes choices from him.

OTOH - it has been my personal experience that in long-lived D/s relationships there comes a time when the Dominant must trust the Submissive to tell him what he needs to know, which is not always everything. For example, a Submissive might be angry or sad over a decision her Dominant has made, but she also knows that telling him will not change his mind, and may only start a conflict between them. Therefore she says nothing and tries to do her best. He will of course notice the changes in her, but because he trusts her he will not probe deeper. She will speak to him if she must.

Should a Submissive be punished for being honest? Hardly. Yet, it is possible that when a Submissive is honest about an error, that there is a good chance she will be punished. On the surface this seems to set up a problem. Why admit to an error when the consequence is punishment? I would suggest that it is the only choice. Failure to admit to the error, means that there can be no punishment, and without the punishment no opportunity for forgiveness. Without being forgiven the Submissive will be filled with internal torment that will only get worse over time. The key, is to understand that in a D/s relationship punishment isn't a bad thing, rather it is part of the conflict-resolution process, and without it the relationship will probably fail.

The last thing I wish to say is that being honest does not mean telling everything. Rather it means that when one speaks one is as honest as one can be. Certainly a Submissive is entitled to her privacy. I do not require her to reveal everything to me, but what she does reveal must be honest. It is important for new Submissives to understand the difference between being private and being honest.

Do I assume honesty? Not really. Rather, I require it. And since it is a requirement, I check up on a girl from time to time, in particular in the beginning to make sure she is staying honest. This is important since as a rule, if I find a girl has been dishonest that is the end of the relationship. Therefore it makes sense that I try and keep her honest.

BTW - I found Vesta's Blog to be very interesting and I recommend it.

Be seeing you