Monday, July 6, 2009

Being a responsible dominant

Greetings all,

I have written in the past about being a responsible sadist. To me is seems obvious that no masochist should wish to engage in a scene with a sadist who does not feel an acute sense of responsibility to his/her partner.

But does the same hold true for Dominants in general? And if so, what constitutes responsible behaviour for a Dominant?

The masochist needs a responsible sadist to remain physically safe. Once they are bound, and alone with the sadist, is not the time to find out that they are with someone who cannot control their urges. S&M explores the edge of safe behaviours, and someone could easily be hurt or damaged when scening with a sadist who has neither the experience, or the sense of responsibility, required to make sure that their partner is properly cared for both during and after the scene.

OTOH - many Dominants are not sadistic in nature, and their submissive partners are not masochists. Does this mean that the need for responsibility is somehow less, since the chance of being physically hurt is much less?

I would suggest it is just the opposite. If anything a Dominant needs to be even more careful and responsible in their actions, since the possibility for mental and emotional damage is so very high in a D/s relationship. Of course, I am mostly concerned with lifestyle D/s relationships but I would suggest that this need for responsibility is evident even in the more casual or infrequent interactions which seem to be often found in the D/s community.

In fact, I believe that the need for responsible behaviour is so critical that I included it as one of the three pillars for dominant behaviour. In the same way I require a Submissive to be honest, trusting, and obedient, I feel that a Dominant must be honest, trusting, and responsible.

But responsible for what? Good question.

Firstly, I believe that the responsible dominant must be actively involved in the enhancement or development of the Submissive. This development can have many facets, sexual, service, presentation, etc, and might even extend into non-traditional areas such as career, finance, social relationships, etc. It is the Dominant's responsibility to not only mold the Submissive to be pleasing to him/her, but also to recognize that they must be developed as full individual. Why? Simply put because it is only as the Submissive becomes well balanced and well developed that they can really excel at reaching the state of perfection their Dominant wishes of them. True pleasure (at least for this Dominant) comes from seeing the radiant glory and power of a fully realized and developed Submissive.

I also believe that the responsible dominant has a duty to resolve problems which the submissive brings into the relationship. Sadly, I have encountered way too many girls who have been abused, taken advantage of, corrupted, or reduced by a previous D/s relationhsip, their childhood, or even their life in the vanilla world. It is important for the Dominant to keep in mind that until these issues are addressed, that it will be challenging to begin the real development of the Submissive.

This matter is further complicated by the fact that many Submissives (and in particular femsubs) many not wish to reveal the details of their past, for fear it will cause their current Dominant to reject them. "If he only knew what really happened, then how could he want to be with me?" or "He must never know that I am not really good enough for him." are the typical sort of things I hear quite often. IOW - many Submissives do not wish to reveal their issues, so how can the Dominant begin to deal with them?

The need for being a responsible Dominant is clear: The Submissive gives up full control to the Dominant assuming they will be well cared for but also with the knowledge that they could be deeply hurt in many ways. The responsible Dominant is aware of forces and powers at play and behaves in a respectful manner when planning how to develop his/her Submissive. To do less, is to compromise the integrity of the relationship.

Be seeing you,


L. said...

I don't believe that it is the dominant's responsibility to resolve past issues that a submissive has had to deal with. It is incredibly important that those issues are taken into consideration when continuing on with a sub, but it is not necessary to have everything come flooding out.

It's just that trust becomes a very important and rocky factor when one has an abusive past. When things have gone incredibly bad in previous relationships, a dom is not going to be able to gain trust by "fixing" and molding that person into who they want them to be.

"for fear it will cause their current Dominant to reject them. "If he only knew what really happened, then how could he want to be with me?" or "He must never know that I am not really good enough for him.""

Those are genuine fears and in some relationships, those fears are reality. I think the important thing is that a dom(me) and their submissive work on their current relationship. This allows past issues to be acknowledged indirectly, rather than trying to analyze and solve old mistakes. It's far too easy for a submissive to feel like their dom(me)'s patient rather than partner.

Unknown said...

New to this... would really, really like to chat with you, if it's ok with you that is. correct? I need some help...master

Unknown said...

I really really need your help. new to this..please master help me?


Mackenzie Cross said...

Greetings Kimber,

If you would like to speak to me privately, contact me at my yahoo account:

If you are looking for general information, is a good starting point.


Anonymous said...

I am new to being a dom half of a d/s relationship with my wife. She's always dreamed of living as a sub, not slave, and has found in me someone willing and desiring to being in this life. We both feel it is a part of our natures. That being said, in my research, you are one of a few out there that seems to have a feel for dominance without the need for arrogance. I would enjoy learning from you and look forward to reading more of your thoughts. Thank you.

Mackenzie Cross said...


Thank you for your comments. I am glad if you feel my words have been of some value.

Feel free to contact me privately at if you have any questions.


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