Jealousy vs. Protection

Greetings all,

Picture this – a fairly new D/s couple are at a play party. Let us say that they have been together for perhaps a year or less, but feel very committed to each other. She has begged his collar, and he has accepted. Their relationship has been going along very well, and both are satisfied with each other.

At the party, the Dominant partner (let us call him Bill) is approached by another Dominant (whom we shall call Frank). Conversation ensues. Over the course of the conversation Frank extends many positive comments about Bill’s girl (let us call her Susan). Bill is flattered, of course. After a little while Frank asks Bill if he may play with Susan. This is the first time Bill has ever had anyone request this sort of thing. He asks Frank what he means by “playing”. Bill responds that it means both S&M play as well as some sexual play, perhaps a blow job or some such thing.

Bill refuses. At this point Frank says something like “If you were a real Dom you would share her” or “You must be very insecure” or “It is obvious to me that you don’t really own her” or something to this effect. Bill replies that Susan is not ready to play with others, and that she is under his protection, so she will not play with anyone else.

Susan says nothing, though perhaps there is a small glint of excitement in her eyes at the thought of being used by another. Or perhaps it is fear.

So here’s the question: Is Bill being possessive and jealous, or is he being responsible and protective? And, how can we tell the difference, or in particular, how can Bill tell the difference?

To my way of thinking only Bill can really answer this question. Only he is aware of his internal state of mind, and therefore he is the only one who can have any real idea of what the truth is here. Yet, if he is feeling insecure and jealous it is highly unlikely that he will admit this to anyone else. He may even hide it from himself. Therefore we need a more objective way to determine the root cause for his decision.

Let us step back for a minute and consider why the dominant partner in a relationship might choose, or not choose, to share his girl with another. To be clear, when I speak about sharing, this would involve having his submissive serve another in a sexual, service, or play session (or a combination of all three), which may be done privately, or in public. What defines it as sharing is that a) another will use her in a manner which is generally reserved for her dominant partner; and b) this use will be of fixed duration and probably have some hard limits associated with it. The Dominant partner may, or may not, be present during this shared time.

Why might a Dominant be motivated to share his girl? A number of reasons suggest themselves. Perhaps he feels she is ready for a new experience. Often, in the development of a submissive these sorts of experiences can be very helpful, particularly when there is a romantic attachment between Dominant and submissive. By sharing the girl, she is given an opportunity to evaluate the difference between being handled by a lover, as opposed to someone who is only interested in her service.

Another reason for sharing is that it may allow the submissive to be trained in ways in which the Dominant does not have experience. Or, it may be as simple as allowing the submissive to experience certain sensations which are normally not part of how the couple interacts. (I am thinking here of certain forms of extreme sensation play which require a fair amount of experience before attempting to do.)

The Dominant might choose to share his girl strictly to stroke his own ego. Perhaps he wants the other fellow to see the quality of his girl. Many fellows will allow a friend to try their new car, or perhaps a new shop tool. Why not one’s girl?

Or, it might simply please the Dominant to see his girl squirming under the hand of another. Some people find this quite exciting.

The Dominant might do it simply as a technique to show the girl that he is not that attached to her. By allowing another to enjoy her intimate services, he lets her know that she is nothing more than a “girl” to him.

Of course, not all the reasons are positive. A Dominant might give in to peer pressure. He might be unsure of himself and allow himself to be coerced. He might be angry with her and use sharing as a form of punishment. He might even be trying to end their relationship and is sharing her in the hopes that she will find someone else.

OTOH – why might a Dominant choose not to share a girl under his protection?

Firstly, it might be because he is being responsible. Perhaps she is not yet ready for such a thing (if ever). Perhaps he is concerned that her nervousness will lead to her failing and he does not wish to set her up for failure. Perhaps she does not yet reflect his idea of perfection and until she does, he is reluctant for others to experience her.

Perhaps he knows enough about her past and history to know she will not react well to being shared. Perhaps he is concerned that the other Dominant may not be responsible in handling his property.

Perhaps he is worried about her safety.

Or perhaps it simply doesn’t please him to share her at this time.

All well and good, but of course there are other reasons as well.

A classic reason would be insecurity, the root of all jealousy. Simply put, the Dominant is fearful that if he shares her, she will like the other fellow better and want to leave their relationship. Or, he feels that by sharing her, somehow their relationship will be made less special. Or, he is intimidated by the other Dominant, and doesn’t want to look bad in front of him.

As you can see, the generally negative reasons are always based around fear and insecurity. The generally positive reasons are based around responsibility, development, and empowerment. All Dominants really know their own motivation, regardless of whether they admit to it or not.

Protection of the submissive, in all its forms, always results in the girl feeling safe and empowered. Jealousy and insecurity, in all its forms, always blocks development and empowerment. I believe a submissive has the right (and perhaps the duty) to respectfully question her Dominant any time she feels he is doing something out of fear or insecurity, rather than a desire for her protection and development.

It is a tricky question, but one that I feel can be answered only if we are honest with ourselves.