The Single Submissive - Addendum 1

Greetings all,

I had two comments on the final part of my "Single Submissive" series. The first was posted as a public comment, while the second was sent to me privately. Both provoked some thought and so I thought I would make a small final addition to my notes on this subject.

The private email I received suggested that my final section of the series appeared to be written too quickly and without enough consideration. I thought about this comment a great deal, asking myself if the writer was correct.

It is true that I listed those things that, imo, would be the most commonly available outlets for the expression of a female's submissive nature. But upon further reflection, I asked myself if perhaps there was another, deeper, layer that had to be examined.

This led me to wonder about the spirit, or perhaps spirituality, of the female Submissive. Given my own experience in training/mentoring girls it seems obvious that the D/s relationship provides the Submissive with a level of satisfaction that is difficult, if not impossible, to obtain any other way (with the possible exception of religious service and even that would still be different). If this is the case, then it follows that there can be no substitute for a lifestyle relationship for the experienced submissive.

Simply put, she will either find a relationship, or she is likely to suffer some amount of emotional unbalance. The process of finding a partner is a topic for another blog entry. I will try to focus on the management of the suffering.

Buddhism teaches that life is filled with attachments, and that attachments are pain. By this, I believe what is meant is that it is inevitable that we shall form attachments in our lives, and the bond to these attachments will be, sooner or later, broken. When they are broken, there is pain.

So the first lesson in managing the suffering of single Submissive is an acknowledgement that there will be pain. Sooner or later the relationship will end, and there is nothing that can be done about that. I think that accepting this basic tenant might help to prepare the Submissive for the inevitable, and therefore perhaps more properly set her expectations.

Do some D/s relationships last forever? I am quite sure that some do. Some Dominants fall in love with their Submissive, marry them, and spend the rest of their days with them. Perhaps there are others where the Submissive joins an already existing D/s couple as a second girl, and this relationship could last many many years. But, otoh, many D/s relationships are much more temporary.

If there is a common refrain that I hear from many submissives, it is how they are waiting for the "One." The One is their Love Master, he who will see them for the full submissive/slave they are, take them for his own, and keep them forever. Some women become so fixated on this, that each new Dominant that comes into their life becomes their potential One. When it turns out not to be the case (as most often happens), they are terribly disappointed. It is true that some girls find their One, but in my experience more do not than do. Perhaps learning this will also help set expectations.

In addition, I think a Submissive would be wise to consider her health, age, finances, and other attributes which might make her more or less appealing to a Dominant. If a Submissive is set on trying to find the right dominant for her, she must understand what she has to offer, and within what context, to best determine who might find her of interest. For example, a 50 year old Submissive, regardless of experience, would probably not be of interest to a 30 year old Dominant for the purpose of a long term relationship.

So, it seems to me that the setting of expectations is critical in managing the degree to which the Submissive will suffer. She may fill her time with some of the activities that I mentioned in my last blog entry, but as mentioned, it is unlikely that any of these will really replace the deep spirituality of being at the feet of a Dominant. She must accept this.

Recently, a girl who I once trained became involved in an interesting project - the training of Dominant. This fellow was very new to the lifestyle, and really didn't know how to handle a Submissive. She signed a six month contract with man, agreeing to be his submissive, and teach him the ropes. In may senses it worked out quite well. He learned a great deal, and she obtained the satisfaction of not only doing an excellent job, but also giving her the opportunity to feel the D/s spirit which she had been longing for. Of course, the ending was rather difficulty, as one would expect, but still, for that six month period, things were going well.

Perhaps the experienced Submissive has a role to play in the development of new Dominants? I can tell you that, as a Dominant, trying to train another is quite a challenge. In this situation, men do not often wish to learn from other men. But they will learn from a woman.

Perhaps some enterprising Submissive female out there will take up the challenge and start a web site with the intent of linking single Submissives with newly emerging Dominant males. There is an interesting idea, eh?

Yet, no matter how I examine it, there are no easy answers for the single Submissive. In the final analysis, perhaps all I can offer is that the degree to which she chooses to suffer will be of her own making. She must be prepared in her heart to accept that she may never find her "One." Yet, at the same time she must be prepared to try and seek out partners to interact with, even though she knows the relationships may not be exactly what she is looking for, still she will try to find the worth in it, for the opportunity to experience the D/s dynamic.

She must be careful of course, and guard her heart. The best D/s relationships take a long long time to develop, there is nothing quick about them. The experienced Submissive is aware of this fact, and she must try to prevent herself from becoming too emotionally vulnerable too early in the relationship. This will be a challenge for her, since it is her nature to want to give everything. But she must not do this to soon.

And when the relationship ends, as most of them will, I think it is important for the Submissive to focus on the positive rather than the negative. By this I mean, to retain the good memories, the positive events, the happy times, and to let go of the negative moments as much as possible. By doing this, she builds a wonderful storehouse of good memories that may be a comfort during those periods when she is alone.

Hmmm.. this has gone on a good deal longer than I had intended, I think I will answer the public comment in another blog entry.

Be seeing you,