Thursday, June 18, 2009

Submission: Liberation or Validation?

Greetings all,

I have been spending a fair amount of time on FetLife recently. As I read the various posts I often take a look at the poster's profile page to try and get a better understanding of who they are, where they are coming from, and why they are motivated to ask questions and/or offer opinions. After awhile, one cannot help but start classifying these posters into various categories.

One such group I have labeled as "highlanders". In brief, they are normall female and their objective is either to find their "One", or if they have already found their "One" to make it perfectly clear to everyone else that they could only ever submit to, and serve, their current master/daddy/owner/etc. Many statements of love and loyalty are made.

I do not wish to denigrate such people, but it has lead me to ask myself a question. For those female who declare themselves as single and submissive, and searching for their "One", are they seeking the liberation of bondage that comes from satisfying their nature, or are they simply looking for someone to validate their value as a human being? After all, a case could be made that if a man takes a female as his girl/pet/slave/etc then she must be of some worth. In this sense, being made a slave is a validation. Too, are they seeing the Master/slave relationship as another way of saying Husband/wife?

Therefore, could it be that there are certain woman who under the guise of declaring themselves ready to the the perfect slave for a man, are secretly seeking a way to handle their own issues on self-esteem, self-worth, self-image, etc. This does not seem to far a stretch, since I suspect this happens all the time in the vanilla world. Only there, instead of submission, the talk is of love and marriage. IOW - if a man tells a woman that he loves her and wishes to marry her then does that not validate the female's worth?

Long time readers of my blog will probably be able to guess at my own opinion on this matter, but that is not really the issue. My concern is that too many women may be turning to a BDSM-themed lifestyle (and in particular D/s) not as a means to satisfy their nature, but rather because they are dependent on the approval of another to make them whole.

If, as I have always contended, submission is part of someone's nature, and one accepts that nature, then no validation is required. Further, satisfaction does not require a "One", since service to anyone can be a satisfaction. For example, I have seen sandra serve other men, and woman. She does it not because she needs their approval, but rather because this is simply who she is. It feels good and right to her when she is in service. The service need not be sexual. It can be anything from serving a drink, to performing an errand for another, to simply seeing something that needs doing for another and doing it. Too, sandra is not alone in this. Every girl I have mentored or trained (well almost every girl), has felt the same way. Another wonderful girl I know has a tag line of "Joy through service". I could not say it better myself. Here is a girl who knows and accepts her nature, and seeks nothing more than an opportunity to satisfy it.

The liberation of the ropes which I have spoken of frequently is what the submissive seeks. A chance to be themselves. A opportunity to behave in a manner that is consistent with their inner nature, rather than having to be constrained by the dictates of society. This is a liberation that I have promoted down through the years. However, seeking submission/slavery as a way to prove one's value is doomed to failure. Submission does not live in a relationship, it does not depend on the approval of another, no satisfaction is possible besides perhaps a sense of victory at finding the "One".

I should also note that there are many well experienced submissives who are in fact searching for their One, but I view this as another case. The experienced submissive knows her nature, knows what she is seeking, knows what will satisfy. She is not seeking her one for validation, but rather because she knows that she has reached a stage in her life when she is mature enough, and experienced enough, to understand the ramifications of a full time D/s relationship. She seeks her One not for validation, but for the purpose of ultimate surrender which leads to ultimate liberation.

Be seeing you,


Anonymous said...

a friend directed me to Your blog today and i must say i am impressed at the knowledge and apparent intuitive understanding You display . i noticed that You said You post to FetLife frequently but am not sure how to find Your writings on there. If You have a moment to direct me to some i would appreciate it. my nic is crazyakn. respectfully ~j~

btw i am choosing anonymous simply because i am comp illiterate and not quite sure how to work the other option *smiling*

Mackenzie Cross said...

Greetings Anonymous,

Welcome to my blog. I am glad you are finding something of value here.

I will contact you directly on FetLife so you can pick up my ID directly.

Be seeing you,

Vesta said...

Mr. Cross:

I am not in a position to know girls looking for their "one", but instinctively, I am inclined to agree with this.

The opportunity to be in a relationship with someone where a submissive girl can be in accordance with her true nature is, presumably, what is sought. All the other factors that apply to any relationship are there, I would think: like, love, care, attraction and so forth.

If she is looking for validation, that she is a person of worth because someone has chosen her, then that is not enough, not even in a vanilla relationship. Yet, if all the strong aspects of a good relationship are in place and the relationship is true to her nature, and as well, her validation as a human being needs work, she may be in the right relationship for that, assuming she has chosen a man of worth as her dominant.

Surely, it is best to seek out a man with whom she feels a connection, the opposite half of a whole, and go from there. If all she seeks is validation of her worth, then things are likely to run amuck, yes.

Mackenzie Cross said...

Greetings Vetsa,

Thank you for reading and commenting on my post.

In the main I agree with everything you have said.

The question becomes, how can a submissive woman protect herself from seeking validation when she should be searching for liberation? It is a difficult personal question.

Be seeing you,

Vesta said...

Mr. Cross

That is a tough question and I will mull it over. I suppose it speaks to a self-worth that should, ideally, be there in each person, regardless of anything else; if she is in a relationship or not. For example, I was always 'Vesta', if you will, long before I was in a happy and well functioning D/s relationship. It improved my happiness quotient but not necessarily my self worth issues. In fact, my self-worth issues became rather secondary to my attempts to quieten my ego and settle into the submission.

Certainly, any good man can validate a woman's sense of self-worth. If he takes the time to suggest that she would look wonderful in a skirt; what do you know - she starts wearing skirts! Lots of girls benefit from attention from a man. I suppose, she has to ask herself: do I feel whole in these situations; completely in my element? If she can answer yes, she is in it for the right reasons.

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