I am pushed past my limit and rise to a challenge - Jane (aka teela)

Greetings all,

For about a 2 year period during 2007/2008 I had interactions with a woman known as Jane. For about 6 months during that period I was her formal Mentor. She was not one of my success stories, in fact she is the only woman who I regret to say was one of my failures. These things happen. I have thought the matter was over between us, but clearly it is not.

Back in April she wrote an entry in her blog (where she calls herself Lady Nyo) about a particular experience with me. It can be read here. While she did not mention me by name she speaks of me as a "rope top" with "petty anger" and an "enormous ego". The comments section also made certain references to the experience of being bound by me. Later she wrote a second blog entry which can be read here. It speaks even more about her experience with me, and not in the most positive of terms.


Still I would have left the thing alone, since my name was not directly mentioned. However, since then some additional information about how she speaks of me has come to light and I believe I must say something to protect my reputation. I have posted a copy of the following note on Lady Nyo's blog as a comment. Since I believe there is a chance she may delete it, I am placing a copy here as well.

Be seeing you,

-----
Greetings all,

My name is Mackenzie Cross. I have been motivated to write this note in order to set the record straight on a number of points concerning my relationship with Lady Nyo.

I should begin by saying that I am the fellow who Lady Nyo (whom I once called teela but will now call Jane) is referring to when she speaks of her second binding. The fellow with the "silly ego", with whom she supposedly shared a "nasty dance of anger". The "rope top" who has "well practiced mind control" and who "claimed the power of his dominance as to the ’success’ of this binding". Etc.

When I first read her blog entries last month my initial response was to leave the matter alone, even though it appeared she had changed her mind a great deal concerning me. Only a few months ago she had been filled with gratitude and thanks. Now she seemed to think somewhat less of me. Obviously something had changed in her thinking. This did not surprise me, since I have seen her do it before. Still, I was not overly concerned since my name was not mentioned. Jane is certainly allowed to think about me any way she wishes.

However, since that time, it has come to my attention that Jane has now started mentioning my name directly in some of her correspondences, and further, that she is portraying our history together as being something that it was not, something wrongful and unethical, something that portrays me at being at the best, pathetic, and at the worse, evil.

I am therefore writing to give my accounting of what transpired between us, so that I may clear my name of any smear which it may now carry because of her actions.

One more point before I begin. Jane claims that I have been, or perhaps still am, angry with her. I am not. In fact, up until a few days ago I haven't been feeling much of one thing or another about her for quite some time. The last emotion I felt was sadness since she still had not accepted her nature, and a certain remorse at my own failure to assist her. But that was back in August of last year. I was well content to leave the past in the past, but clearly she is not. I take umbrage with her comments, and take this action as my response.

--

I was first contacted by Jane in January of 2007. She had posted comments about a story of mine and I sent her a private email of thanks. In response she wrote back saying she was very new to the entire subject of Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationships. She asked if I could provide any references for additional reading materials.

Thus began a rather lengthy series of correspondences with Jane on a range of topics centered around my own ideas, philosophies, and ethics about D/s-based relationships. Over the course of our discussions I informed her that besides being a writer, I was also an occasional mentor and trainer of female submissives, as well as couples, who wished to explore this form of interaction model. I also made sure that Jane's husband was fully informed of our interactions, and even provided him with some suggestions.FWIW - I have lived a D/s lifestyle for close to 30 years now, and have had the good fortune to mentor/train more than a few females of quality, and a handful of couples as well.

Jane had a great number of questions. On any given day she could easily send me 4-6 emails. Too, our discussions were not solely focused on D/s topics. We corresponded at length on a wide range of subjects from John Ralston Saul, to the Holocaust, to genres of erotica, and John Norman's books of Gor. She showed great admiration for my perspective on these topics.

In short order, Jane revealed herself as a latent submissive who craved a dominant hand. She asked me to mentor her. I refused. It was not for another 4-6 months, after she had time to learn exactly what would be required from her in a formal relationship, that I would accept her request.

I should also mention that fairly early on in our email correspondences, and certainly before we ever spoke on the phone, Jane was provoked into a well known, and well documented, submissive condition known as sub-fever. This was brought about by her contact with me, and her latent nature. To help ease some of her tensions I provided her with some small trivial disciplines which helped. On more than one occasion she asked for more disciplines which I also refused since I did not wish her bonding more tightly to me.

Sometime early in 2008, I accepted Jane as my mentored girl. She was grateful for my acceptance.

I must now digress for a moment while I explain one or two items. Firstly: I consider mentoring to be a formal relationship, which is created for a specific purpose. It has a beginning and an ending. Any girl who wishes to enter into such a relationship with me is allowed two choices. The first is when she requests to be mentored. The second it when she requests to leave. In between, she acknowledges that all choices will be mine. I may refuse a girl who asks to enter into such a relationship with me, but I am duty bound never to refuse a girl's request to leave.

Also, I have three primary requirements, conditions if you will, on any such relationship. These are honesty, trust, and obedience.

Jane's mentoring was a time consuming challenge for me. She made many errors and mistakes. Each time she begged me to forgive her, showing great remorse, and promising it would not happen again. Each time I did forgive her (after she had been suitably punished). There was a pattern to her behaviour. First she would misbehave, and then she would be ashamed of her behaviour and beg forgiveness. She did not make a great deal of progress, despite my best efforts. Jane showed an ongoing pattern of extreme fluctuations of both mood and behaviour.

In June of 2008 Jane demanded to be released. I gave her 24 hours to think it over. Within 12 she had changed her mind.

In August 2008 I assigned a task to Jane. Her performance did not meet my expectations and I told her so. She became angry with me for not recognizing the amount of time she had devoted to this project. She sent me a note saying goodbye, and another of thanks. At which point I formally released her.

That should have been the end of it. For me, when a girl demands to be released in such a manner I see no point in any further communications.

Jane did contact me again a a few days, and continued to contact me on a variety of topics. By and large we did not discuss her mentoring.

Another brief digression. While Jane and I did not physically meet prior to Jan/2009 we did speak on the phone a number of times. Certainly less than ten times. Each call was on average 30-45 mins long. A fair amount of this talking could be described as phone sex. This too was part of her mentoring. On each occasion she expressed her gratitude. Her husband also expressed his thanks, saying that I had really helped her to blossom into a wonderful sexual creature.

Around Oct/2008 I was contacted by Jane's husband who told me they were intending to be in Montreal in January, and that they wished to invite my wife, sandra, and myself to a gala event they were attending. While I found this a somewhat unusual invitation (given that no relationship existed between Jane and myself any longer) I felt it was good manners to accept. Too, Jane's husband suggested that this might be an opportunity for me to bind Jane. Jane's first experience at bondage had not gone well, and she longed for the freedom of the ropes, and the discovery of another well known, and well documented condition, known as sub-space. On numerous occasions during her mentoring she said that she was waiting for my ropes.

While they were here, the four of us went for dinner, attended the gala, and spent a day and a night at my home in the country. They were excellent and gracious guests. They were also overly generous in the gifts they brought. sandra and I were good hosts. I even considered offering Jane's husband the use of sandra. I mentioned the thought to him, but in the end decided against it. I did not ask for, nor was I offered, the use of Jane. This did not bother me in the least. I had no interest at all in any personal use of Jane. Why would I? She was no longer my mentored girl, and more, she did not exhibit those qualities I find attractive in a female.

In the evening time I asked Jane's husband if he wished to see me binding his wife. He agreed, but Jane wished to see me binding my wife. I agreed to this condition. I first bound sandra in front of both of them, displaying her responses. Then, in front of her husband, I bound Jane. It only took 2-3 coils of rope before Jane could no longer stand on her own. I was not surprised. As she herself admits, she was well prepared for the moment. I ended up laying her at her husband's feet. She stayed like that for quite some time.

The next morning both of them had rather large smiles. Jane wore a string on her wrist and her husband held the other end. They called it her leash.

A number of further emails of thank followed, both from Jane and her husband. In addition, Jane contacted my wife on more than one occasion asking for additional advice on how to behave as a submissive. She replied and received emails of thanks from both Jane and her husband.

Jane's last email to me was in March of this year. I told her I would respond to it when I had the time. I have not yet had the time.

Throughout my time with her Jane displayed, presented, and responded as a submissive female on numerous occasions. Too, she responded to me in a manner and to an intensity that surprised her, even perhaps worried her. OTOH - she certainly tried her best to cover her nature when interacting with others. As part of preparing her for mentoring I gave her a number of references of other girls to contact, girls whom I have mentored, trained, or owned. In each case these girls contacted me saying they found Jane's behaviour and attitude to be contradictory and a poor reflection on how she was being developed. Later, when she was being mentored, this sort of disturbing feedback continued. I was told that she had an attitude that was neither appropriate nor respectful. I was told that she spoke of me, behind my back, in ways that I would not approve. I allowed these things to pass since I felt that she was still developing and learning. I felt that in time, with enough examples, she would come to understand and accept herself. Perhaps someday she will, but she certainly did not with me.

On many occasions Jane would get involved in situations where she was over her head, found herself in a state of emotional turmoil, and required my help to calm down and achieve balance again. Too, she contacted many people in her local BDSM group. From these people she received a great deal of advice that was in direct opposition to my own. I encouraged her to follow these advices as she wished. Each time it ended badly.

Jane is, imo, a classic case of a female who was not ready, or able, to accept her nature. Too, her self-centric view of the world made it almost impossible for her to focus on being pleasing, which is the primary motivation for a submissive. Unable to satisfy this need, she attempted to find other avenues of expression, or to blame others (including myself) for her state of mind. In part, it was something I was prepared for, since all the mentoring I do is intense and deeply personal, and therefore there is always the potential for periods of high emotions.

Jane was (and perhaps still is) a highly emotional female.

As to the binding of Jane, well, it was neither complex, erotic, or lengthy. Firstly, because my sole intent in doing this binding was to show Jane (and her husband) how easily she could placed in sub-space, and secondly because I simply was not that motivated. Certainly she may claim any reason she wishes for why she so quickly dived deep into sub-space. Certainly she may claim that she was trying to run away from me. Yet, even the most cursory review of the facts hardly backs up her claims. She contacted me. Her husband asked me to bind her. She wanted to be bound. She even turned the binding in a ritual of sorts wearing a special robe, charms, etc. I took no advantage of her. I did not touch her in a sexual manner. I was in every respect a gentleman in how I treated her.

I do not mentor and train for compensation. I do it, because it is my nature.

Frankly, I was more than willing to put the entire period behind me, and chalk it up to a misjudgment on my part. However, it has now become clear to me that she is not. She now claims I am some sort of predator or hunter, trying to lure other females to some sort of unclear doom. She does not have the courage to say these words to my face. She does not have the honesty to admit to the true facts of what occurred. She finds it easier to fabricate her own reality to explain her condition, than accept her own nature. She now seeks to use me as the scapegoat for her own tensions, and more, seeks to promote this view with others, who do not know me, as a way to gain sympathy for having been my "victim".

BTW - this is the same woman who dedicated one of the stories in her book to me. This is the same woman who wrote me countless emails of gratitude and thanks. This is the same woman who begged my protection. This is the same woman who credited me with transforming her life into something much more positive. So much so, that she even introduced me to her son, with the hope I might have some positive affect on him as well.

Those who spread gossip and rumours are the evil ones. Those who speak behind the back, sowing seeds of malice and discord are the ones filled with malice. Those who are unwilling to stand in public forum and lay out the facts, so that all may judge them, including the accused, are the ones who are behaving without an ethic.

I invite any of you who wish to come to my blog and read my writings. There you will find all the information you require to learn about my ethics, my character, and my beliefs. For those of you who belong to FetLife, you are most certainly welcome to check out my numerous postings there as well. I have no secrets about who I am, or what I do. I believe that it is only in the glare of the harsh cold light of honesty that meaningful dialog can take place. To my way of thinking, Jane has abrogated her right to such dialog by her actions. This is why I have posted in public.

Assuming this post is not deleted, I will continue to monitor this thread and responded to any and all questions. I have cross posted a copy of this note on my own blog, with a link back here, for those who might prefer to hold the discussion there. My blog can be found at http://mackenziecross.blogspot.com/

Thank you.

Be seeing you,

Mackenzie Cross

P.S. An update: 10AM 13MAY

I have tried twice to leave this comment at Jane's blog. Each time it has been accepted, but not published. I suspect I have been blocked. I have written an email directly to Jane asking her why I cannot post.

I would ask any of you who are interested to leave a brief comment on her blog asking why my comments have been blocked. Thank you.

More news as it happens.