Monday, May 18, 2009

Narcissistic Humour

Greetings all,

What with all the heavy talk of rage, I thought something a bit lighter was in order. The following is an ancient bit of humour that I first received around 1992. It is university admission letter attributed to one Hugh Gallagher from 1990.

According to the legend, he did get accepted. Perhaps being a narcissist does have its pros as well as it cons?

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This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU in response to this question:

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

(The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.)
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2 comments:

sienna said...

Greetings Sir,
LOL ,thank you for a good laugh.So do you think that if i tell NASA that i've already been to Mars i'll get in?Or,maybe they just cant handle my perfection.LOL

respectfully
sienna

felicia said...

Good morning Mr. Cross,
Some of the best people I've ever known have a good dosage of Narcissism. In fact I’ve probably been accused of it myself, although never to my face. Others will call it arrogance when they are pissed at me, or confidence, when they are feeling kind. Of course these are all just labels.

The act of labelling a thing (especially a person) causes something strange to happen. Any attribute present in the thing, which is not described by the label, is disregarded. Any attribute that the label usually carries, not present in the thing, is ascribed. In this way the act of labelling (again especially a person) justifies all sorts of prejudgments and conclusions that may or may not be correct. But much worse it tends to stop any further observation, because, after all, everything is know about the thing once it is labelled.

The writer of this delightful essay is clearly confident, probably arrogant, decidedly creative, and arguably narcissistic. I’d like to meet him… sounds like an interesting guy.

Thank you for posting this.

bright blessings

felicia

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