Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Love and Dominance

Greetings all,

Here is something I posted recently on FetLife in response to a question concerning any issues of being a Dominant in a romantic love relationship with their submissive. It is another variant of what I have written about earlier on this topic.



I shall take a somewhat contrary position.

It is my belief that the integration of romantic love into the D/s lifestyle relationship is challenging and fraught with dangers. I say D/s lifestyle in particular because I do not think there is the same problems for those who only play or scene, for those who do S&M, or for those who explore B&D.

But for the D/s lifestyler, and the Dominant in particular, the situation is more difficult. I have noted with interest that many of the females who have responded in this thread have spoken of the love for their Master, even how they could not be his slave if they did not love him. While there are certain aspects of this that I would refute (if I had the time or inclination) in general I think this is all to the good for them, but actually makes the situation even more complex for the Dominant.

Let us consider a maledom/femsub pairing where the couple is also deeply in love, perhaps even married. The girl makes an error which requires punishment. In order for the punishment to be effective it must be harsh, but the man loves this woman. How can he hurt that which he loves? For the Dominant with no romantic ties this is not a problem, but between lovers there will be many potential conflicts of interest.

Now let us take a more challenging example. Same couple, but with a different problem. A new female has got the attention of our man. She has been provoked by his power and caught up in the heat of virginal sub-fever. It is the natural inclination of the Dominant to respond to this sort of thing. He would find great pleasure in handling, developing, enhancing this new girl. But too, he may have made vows and oaths to his wife (and submissive). Or, even if he has not, he knows/suspects that doing such a thing will wound his lover. How does he resolve this ethical issue? Again, for the Dominant who is not in love there is no issue. In all probability he has told his submissive well in advance what his intentions are concerning other girls. But for the husband/lover/friend/dominant/Master the answers are much less clear.

All is not lost though. There are many many cases of success in combing love and D/s. In my own experience the key is courageous honesty, unfailing trust, personal integrity, and the ability to balance between maintaining the framework of control for the submissive, and focusing on the happiness of his lover which now has become essential to his own sense of well being.


Be seeing you,

1 comment:

sienna said...

Greetings Mr.Cross,

I agree.Having a Master who is a girls love is quite complex,and at times can leave someone feeling backward.i think it can be on either side;perhaps the girl wants to do what pleases her Master,but cannot look him in the eye and have him see her enjoying it. I think from time to time a Master may want to see his girl enjoying herself.On the other side, the couple may just reach a place where he cant do certain things to her because he loves her.
I think it can be a challenge to be with someone when there are no emotions.As humans we look for emotional attachment as the basis for trust.We are raised to think that if he/she really cares,I can trust that person.I would imagine the trust has to come from somewhere else.


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