A reader's comment: Vesta

Greetings all,

In response to my entry on Honesty and Trust Vesta left the following comment.

Yes, the temptation exists to say 'pleasing' things, or to paint oneself in a brighter light than one knows is the truth. Yet, if the 'complete honesty' rule is applied, the results can be outstanding. Perhaps, the submissive needs to know that her honesty will always be taken into account, even when she is giving bad news. As a dominant, I don't expect you to agree, since honesty is assumed, but I think there has to be some assurance that her honesty will be met with appropriate mercy or at least, taken into account. Otherwise, the only reason for her to be honest is punitive (should he find out the truth...), and thus the positive tone of the relationship may be broken.

I think that Vesta touches down on some very good points here, which highlight some of the differences between dominant-thinking and submissive-thinking. I would like to take a bit more time to explore these points.

I can certainly understand why someone would want to paint themselves in the best possible light, and in particular when it is a submissive trying to do her best for her Dominant. After all, why would anyone want to look bad in such a relationship? And so, it is conceivable that a submissive might wish to embellish the truth at times. I think it is fairly obvious why this is a bad idea. First, a Submissive should be generally docile and humble when interacting with her Dominant, not exaggerate her own sense of worth. Her worth and value is to be judged by the Dominant, not by herself. But there is a flip side here as well. Perhaps the Submissive downplays, or omits, certain things that her Dominant should know. This too removes choices from him.

OTOH - it has been my personal experience that in long-lived D/s relationships there comes a time when the Dominant must trust the Submissive to tell him what he needs to know, which is not always everything. For example, a Submissive might be angry or sad over a decision her Dominant has made, but she also knows that telling him will not change his mind, and may only start a conflict between them. Therefore she says nothing and tries to do her best. He will of course notice the changes in her, but because he trusts her he will not probe deeper. She will speak to him if she must.

Should a Submissive be punished for being honest? Hardly. Yet, it is possible that when a Submissive is honest about an error, that there is a good chance she will be punished. On the surface this seems to set up a problem. Why admit to an error when the consequence is punishment? I would suggest that it is the only choice. Failure to admit to the error, means that there can be no punishment, and without the punishment no opportunity for forgiveness. Without being forgiven the Submissive will be filled with internal torment that will only get worse over time. The key, is to understand that in a D/s relationship punishment isn't a bad thing, rather it is part of the conflict-resolution process, and without it the relationship will probably fail.

The last thing I wish to say is that being honest does not mean telling everything. Rather it means that when one speaks one is as honest as one can be. Certainly a Submissive is entitled to her privacy. I do not require her to reveal everything to me, but what she does reveal must be honest. It is important for new Submissives to understand the difference between being private and being honest.

Do I assume honesty? Not really. Rather, I require it. And since it is a requirement, I check up on a girl from time to time, in particular in the beginning to make sure she is staying honest. This is important since as a rule, if I find a girl has been dishonest that is the end of the relationship. Therefore it makes sense that I try and keep her honest.

BTW - I found Vesta's Blog to be very interesting and I recommend it.

Be seeing you

Fiction - You are (redux)

Greetings all,

So, after two heavier postings I though little fiction might be in order. This is from the "You are" series, from which I posted an entry last year.

Be seeing you,

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You are...
copyright 2008 Mackenzie Cross
All rights reserved

.. lying on a bed, naked, your hands tied behind your back, blindfolded. Your mouth is forced open by a large ring. You have been denied release for a week, but kept in a constant state of arousal. The air is thick with the scent of you. You are needful.

I use the point of a knife on your clit to continue your arousal. It is too much, you can no longer control yourself, and you release in a series of powerful contractions.

"I think you are ready", you hear me say.

I take my place in a chair beside the bed. The door to the room opens and the first man enters.

You are then taken repeatedly, by man after man after man. Your are fucked in every position imaginable, your flesh abused by their blows, and your holes filled with their semen. Your body explodes into release after release, and still there are more men to fuck you. Some finish themselves off quickly, others take longer, enjoying the free access to your mouth, cunt, and ass. Some bend your legs cruelly, splitting you open, while others put you to your belly and close your legs so your cunt will be tighter. Occasionally more than one man will take you at a time.

After a a long time you are spent, unable to move, unable to respond. You feel like a piece of raw meat.

I send the men away before I remove the binding ropes, the mouth ring, and finally the blindfold.

There are tears of gratitude in your eyes as you begin to thank me.
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Being a responsible dominant

Greetings all,

I have written in the past about being a responsible sadist. To me is seems obvious that no masochist should wish to engage in a scene with a sadist who does not feel an acute sense of responsibility to his/her partner.

But does the same hold true for Dominants in general? And if so, what constitutes responsible behaviour for a Dominant?

The masochist needs a responsible sadist to remain physically safe. Once they are bound, and alone with the sadist, is not the time to find out that they are with someone who cannot control their urges. S&M explores the edge of safe behaviours, and someone could easily be hurt or damaged when scening with a sadist who has neither the experience, or the sense of responsibility, required to make sure that their partner is properly cared for both during and after the scene.

OTOH - many Dominants are not sadistic in nature, and their submissive partners are not masochists. Does this mean that the need for responsibility is somehow less, since the chance of being physically hurt is much less?

I would suggest it is just the opposite. If anything a Dominant needs to be even more careful and responsible in their actions, since the possibility for mental and emotional damage is so very high in a D/s relationship. Of course, I am mostly concerned with lifestyle D/s relationships but I would suggest that this need for responsibility is evident even in the more casual or infrequent interactions which seem to be often found in the D/s community.

In fact, I believe that the need for responsible behaviour is so critical that I included it as one of the three pillars for dominant behaviour. In the same way I require a Submissive to be honest, trusting, and obedient, I feel that a Dominant must be honest, trusting, and responsible.

But responsible for what? Good question.

Firstly, I believe that the responsible dominant must be actively involved in the enhancement or development of the Submissive. This development can have many facets, sexual, service, presentation, etc, and might even extend into non-traditional areas such as career, finance, social relationships, etc. It is the Dominant's responsibility to not only mold the Submissive to be pleasing to him/her, but also to recognize that they must be developed as full individual. Why? Simply put because it is only as the Submissive becomes well balanced and well developed that they can really excel at reaching the state of perfection their Dominant wishes of them. True pleasure (at least for this Dominant) comes from seeing the radiant glory and power of a fully realized and developed Submissive.

I also believe that the responsible dominant has a duty to resolve problems which the submissive brings into the relationship. Sadly, I have encountered way too many girls who have been abused, taken advantage of, corrupted, or reduced by a previous D/s relationhsip, their childhood, or even their life in the vanilla world. It is important for the Dominant to keep in mind that until these issues are addressed, that it will be challenging to begin the real development of the Submissive.

This matter is further complicated by the fact that many Submissives (and in particular femsubs) many not wish to reveal the details of their past, for fear it will cause their current Dominant to reject them. "If he only knew what really happened, then how could he want to be with me?" or "He must never know that I am not really good enough for him." are the typical sort of things I hear quite often. IOW - many Submissives do not wish to reveal their issues, so how can the Dominant begin to deal with them?

The need for being a responsible Dominant is clear: The Submissive gives up full control to the Dominant assuming they will be well cared for but also with the knowledge that they could be deeply hurt in many ways. The responsible Dominant is aware of forces and powers at play and behaves in a respectful manner when planning how to develop his/her Submissive. To do less, is to compromise the integrity of the relationship.

Be seeing you,

Honesty and trust

Greetings all,

Here is an essay I wrote for my web site. I have been thinking a great deal about honesty lately and will probably have more to say on the subject soon, but this is a good place to begin.

Be seeing you,

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Bedrocks of a D/s relationship

Although many relationships have elements of power transfer in them, we will confine ourselves to discussing extreme power transfers between adults engaged in a D/s lifestyle. In these relationships there are two rules that must always and absolutely be followed by both parties.


Honesty and Trust

On the surface, the role of honesty in a D/s relationship does not appear that important. In fact, at first glance it may seem counter productive. After all, for many BDSM players, a scene is a suspension of belief, an entry into a world of fantasy. One need only walk into any play club and observe the behaviours of the participants to understand this fantasy. Pony boys and girls, naughty maids, daddies and little girls, etc. The list goes on and on. This is a fantasy world where the players escape from the world of the real.

Or consider the various playrooms and chat facilities available on the Internet. Here, beyond escaping into a world of fantasy, the players can actually take on entire new roles and personas that have nothing to do with who they are. Look at the names they call each other “Master Sir Big Dickman”, and “kitten useme”. Observe some of the conversations. There is no honesty, only subterfuge and hiding behind an anonymous fictional façade.

There is nothing inherently wrong with these fictions. In fact, there is much that is beneficial and therapeutic. They allow the participants to engage in a series of behaviours that would not normally be available to them in their day-to-day life. Further, they satisfy an inner longing that cannot easily be expressed in any other manner. For many players, the persona they adopt during these scenes is often more “real” than their ordinary life. However, honesty is not a requirement to engage in scene play.

The same logic can be applied to the question of trust. At play parties, there is little requirement for trust between the participants. Every party, every club, has detailed rules and protocols of behaviour. In fact, any party will always have monitors whose job it is to ensure no one steps out of line. Go to any website dedicated to BDSM and you are sure to see the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual”. These are excellent words, and the community has gone to great lengths to detail how they should be implemented. For example, consider the role of “safe words”. A safe word allows the bottom to tell the top when he is going too far. While some small element of trust is required to know he will stop, the inherent safeguards of rules, protocols and monitors stand in place of the deep pervasive trust we will promote.

So why the need for honesty? Why the need for trust?

Because we are discussing the way people live together, a lifestyle, not fantasy scene play. A D/s lifestyle relationship exists where two individuals, a dominant and a submissive wish to incorporate their nature into their daily lives. This does not necessarily imply marriage, or even a loving relationship. For example, the need for honesty and trust will be just as necessary between trainer and client as it is between a married couple. The participants are two sides of a symbiotic entity. In order for this entity to exist at any level above fantasy, honesty and trust are absolutely required, but the reasons for this will be different for both parties.

It’s commonly expected for the submissive to be honest in everything from simple everyday recounting of events, to the deep honesty of the soul. She must respond honestly and completely to any question. She must react honestly to any stimulus or situation. She must be able to look clearly at all aspects of herself and her life and offer them to her Dom.

This may sound easy enough but don’t be fooled. For the submissive, the urge to please is so great she may be sorely tempted to react in ways she thinks will please her Dom. She may think to keep some minor detail from him so as not to bother him with it, or to respond with stock words or phrases in order to fulfill perceived requirements, or to pretend to feel something she does not simply because she thinks it is what will please him. However, when the submissives motivations are more closely examined, she will find she is really being dishonest from fear of displeasing her Dom. In this she is cheating herself. She is trying to maintain control and power in herself, trying to ‘top from the bottom’. This is not the path to true submission, but simply to kinky play.

Such dishonesty cannot be allowed. A submissive needs to develop the inner strength to be able to offer complete and perfect honesty without fear, or more often, in spite of her fear. Of course, it takes time and work to develop the confidence and trust in order for honesty of this magnitude to manifest. It is a daily challenge and a daily commitment, but the rewards are worth it.

It is also imperative for the dominant to be completely honest with his submissive. As it is the dominant that has the control, so it’s up to the dominant to be the first to demonstrate honesty. He must be the role model to the submissive, exhibiting honesty at every turn. With his honesty, the responsible dominant will set up the groundwork that will allow his submissive to trust him. It also shows that he values and respects her and her gift of submission.

Trust is also an absolute requirement. The submissive must trust her dominant to do what is best for her, even if she doesn’t agree. She must be able to look beyond herself and accept that her dominant is in control. He is her source. All pleasure, pain, comfort and forgiveness come from him. She trusts his ability to control himself and her. She trusts him.

Again it must be the dominant to exhibit trust first. If he cannot trust his submissive then they have no basis for a relationship.

Of course, because these two virtues are so absolute and so required, both parties must be very careful in choosing a suitable partner. Many submissives feel that they have no rights, and that they must submit to anyone calling themselves dominant. This is a path to disaster. The submissive must be very careful to choose a dominant who exhibits great integrity, honour and self-control and she must also know she can leave if she is betrayed.

It is through this mutual commitment to honesty and trust that abuse can be avoided.

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