On the nature of punishment - Part 3

Greetings all,

NB: This is the final section of this essay

Forms of punishment

The variety of punishments is almost limitless, and is only bound by the creativity of the dominant. I will not go into a lengthy detailing of all possible options, but restrict my comments to a few guiding principles.

If we remember the definition, a punishment is only valid if it invokes a penalty or suffering on the part of the submissive. Otherwise it is meaningless.

The most common form of punishment is the infliction of physical trauma. These may manifest from the simple to the complex, from spankings to mutilations. Yet, there is nothing that requires the application of physical pain in order to satisfy the requirements of a punishment.

As stated earlier, the masochistic submissive often desires physical pain. Even submissives who profess no masochistic nature will sometimes speak of how much they enjoyed a flogging or spanking, of how it transports them to their ‘submissive space’. As well, some dominants, who are also sadists, may be overly anxious to find “mistakes” in their submissives behaviour so they may have an excuse to “punish”.

But when you give someone a thing that causes pleasure, then by definition, it cannot be a punishment. It is a reward. Hence the stereotypical “Oh Big Daddy! I’ve been such a bad girl. I deserve to be spanked. Punish me.” This type of behaviour typically ends in sex and hence is even more of a reward.

Clearly, this has little to do with punishment. This is play. To use this as a form of punishment only reinforces the negative behaviour. In addition, it will undermine the power relationship between the dominant and the submissive. When the submissive wants attention she will simply break a rule and wait for the desired response. This puts power in the hands of the submissive where it does not belong and will ultimately lead to dissatisfaction in the submissive and failure of the relationship.

By which we may conclude that using physical trauma as a punishment for a masochistic submissive is not recommended. For the neutral (non masochistic) submissive a beating of one form or another is acceptable under certain circumstances. But care must be taken to remember that punishment has nothing to do with sex, and to conclude a physical punishment session with sex is counter-productive to the purpose of punishments.

Dominants who reach for the whip for every infraction are not acting in a responsible manner. Not only does it indicate a lack of imagination on the part of the dominant, but if there is only one form of punishment for all infractions, then the submissive has no way of evaluating the criticality of the task. The intensity of the punishment must bear some relationship to the importance of the discipline or rule that was broken.

In my training, I have attempted to always fit the punishment to the failure. A classical technique is reversal. For example, if a submissive failed to follow a discipline of third-person speech then the punishment might be to have them speak in first person for some period of time. Every time they opened their mouth, they would be reminded of their failure. Another example, perhaps a submissive did not serve a meal correctly. The punishment might be forbidding them to serve any meal for a period of time. Watching their dominant serving himself would be punishment enough.

Some infractions are more serious and will require significant punishment. For example, failure to provide proper service to a guest. This reflects badly on the dominant. Punishment for such failure will involve more than a whipping. It may entail confinement, denial of service, and even re-training. In this manner she is made aware of what is critical to her dominant.

Begging for Punishment

Begging is its own topic. It may be performed at many times, and is not strictly reserved for punishment. Still, no discussion on this topic would be complete without at least a cursory examination of begging.

It is a confusing topic. As mentioned, frequently a masochistic submissive will beg to be punished. But this is really an invitation. Sometimes, begging is nothing more than ego gratification on the part of the dominant. For example, girls are often told to say things like “I beg to swallow your come Master” or the always popular “Please Master, I’m begging you to fuck me in the ass”. Sometimes it is used to communicate desire. Girls are frequently told that they have to beg before they are allowed to orgasm. However, in this paper I will focus on the act of begging as part of the process of punishment and forgiveness.

Further confusing the subject is the enormous variety of activities associated with the act of begging. The number of known rituals and postures for begging is beyond count. Very quickly one learns that there is no single “true” way for a girl to beg. Still, while the techniques of begging are as varied as the number of dominants and submissives, the value of this process to the D/s relationship is universal.

But why would anyone, even a submissive, beg to be punished; to have a suffering inflicted upon them? On the surface, such an action seems ludicrous. They might accept their punishment and be grateful for the forgiveness, but why would anyone actually beg to be punished? Is it nothing more than ego-gratification on the part of the dominant?

I believe the value of begging is significant and should not be overlooked. The process reflects many values in the dominant/submissive relationship.

It clearly establishes the primary/secondary nature of the relationship:

- Begging would not be required in a peer-peer relationship. Further, when a dominant makes a mistake (and they do) they will never beg for the submissive’s forgiveness. As such, the act of begging affirms the basic D/s nature of the relationship.

It provides a method for the submissive to express their distress over failing to serve in a manner that will be acceptable to all parties:

- My own experience has taught me that deeply submissive individuals feel an intense amount of stress and pain when they have failed their dominant partner. Unless they have some way to express this stress, it will impact other areas of their life. Begging provides a natural outlet.

The act of begging is a physiological barrier for many submissives. Being able to beg represents a major achievement.

- This is an important point. As a submissive develops she will encounter a variety of physiological barriers that need to be overcome. One if these is begging. To beg for punishment can be humiliating. However, only her dominant can forgive her when she has failed. Therefore she needs to ask forgiveness. The way she asks is a measure of the intensity of her internal feelings. Begging is therefore a useful marker.

It is gratification for many dominants.

- It is true that many dominants, including myself, find personal satisfaction is seeing a submissive beg. When they beg, they belong to you completely. Dominants seek this level of control.

Of course, no submissive should beg if they do not feel motivated. Hence, it can easily be seen that when a natural submissive begs, it is a clear indicator of their need for punishment.

Sometimes, the begging is sufficient punishment. At other times, more will be required. Much depends on the dominant and their expectations of the submissive. For example, a well trained submissive may be expected to perform certain duties without flaw that a novice may not yet know. I expect more from the experienced submissive and therefore their punishment will be harsher should they fail.

In my training, I have found it appropriate to develop a number of begging styles and positions. These may be used by the submissive to indicate the severity of the infraction and the intensity of guilt they are feeling. They may vary from belly crawling with a whip held between the teeth, to formal kneeling with only a subtle adjustment to the neck position to indicate that something is amiss. Often, when dominant/submissive couples are out in public it is not always possible for the submissive to position as they might in private. At such times it is useful to have alternative begging forms available.

Dominants may try to force a girl to beg, or even require it. However, until such time as they do it on their own, driven by their need to be forgiven, the value of begging in punishment is dubious.

Summary

In summary, it must be recognized that the act of punishment provides an important conflict resolution mechanism between the dominant and the submissive. It should not be confused with sadomasochistic play. Rather, it is an intense and legitimate approach for a dominant and submissive to maintain the structure and integrity of their relationship. This formal approach may have begging as a component of the protocol. When properly used, punishment not only resolves conflict, but it also gratifies the power and service attractors of the parties.

Be seeing you

Submissive rights

Submissive rights

In a D/s lifestyle relationship, what are the rights of the submissive partner?

Some might say that the Submissive has no rights. I have seen relationships where the Dominant will require that the Submissive gives him all her money, property, etc. All decisions are made by the Dominant. The Submissive might be granted privileges but she is not entitled to anything.

Perhaps this works for some couples. But I would not define this as D/s. Rather I would call it Master/slave (M/s). And while M/s may work over brief periods of time, as a long term strategy I feel it has significant problems.

First off, let me be clear in saying that there is no consensual way for a Submissive to give up her rights as a citizen. At least in most Western countries. IOW - no court of the land will recognize any citizen’s consensual decision to abrogate their rights. There is no way that they can be taken away. Therefore, any contract that might be signed between the partners that would attempt to do such a thing would be considered to be null and void.

Further, and at a minimum, any Submissive has the right to leave the relationship whenever she might wish to. The responsible Dominant may not refuse such a request. To hold someone against their will contravenes the entire philosophy of D/s lifestyle relationships. True, there have been times when I considered that a girl I was training was reacting with emotion rather than reason in making her choice. At such times I have advised them to wait a day or two before making the request. But if they insist, then they are released. The Dominant has no choice in such matters.

But beyond the right to terminate the relationship whenever they choose to, is the Submissive entitled to any other rights? I would say they do.

At a minimum, they are entitled to the honesty, trust, and responsibility of their partner. Honesty - that the dominant partner will not lie. Trust, that the dominant part will do what they feel is best. Responsibility - that the dominant part will be responsible for the protection and enhancement of the Submissive.

As part of satisfying these requirements, the submissive has the right to expect that the Dominant will provide her with certain things. For example, a set of rules and disciplines that will provide a framework of expected behaviours, so she can know what is required. She has the right to expect that these rules will not be changed arbitrarily, and too, that punishment for infractions will be consistent and appropriate.

Perhaps most important the submissive has the right to protection while she serves the dominant. Protection from abuse, both by him and others. This protection would be both physical and emotional since abuse can take on many forms. Protection would also include respecting any limits that have been negotiated at the beginning of the relationship.

Finally, I would say that the Submissive also has the right not to be summarily dismissed from the relationship. IOW - that the Dominant will not end the relationship without giving her fair warning, so that she can either modify her behaviour, or prepare for the transition that is inevitable.

D/s is not about taking away rights, it is about living in balance and harmony. Both parties have rights in this partnership, though they are not always the same.

Be seeing you,

The need for disciplines

Greetings all,

Last night I had the pleasure to have dinner with a girl I trained a number of years back and her current partner. He is new to the ways of D/s relationships, and she has been helping to show him the ropes over the last six months or so.

We spoke of many things over dinner, such as ways to reinforce the D/s dynamic while out in public, behaving responsibily, how to develop a submissive, etc. At one point some desert menus were brought to the table and placed in front of him. I saw him reach for them, probably with the intent of passing me one, and one to her. Then he stopped his movement and said, "I really have to stop doing that, and let her perform the service."

A valuable lesson.

Perhaps one of the most challenging lessons a responsible dominant must learn is that a submissive has a need to serve. It is at the heart of who she is. Even the smallest domestic tasks, can be a significant discipline for a well trained submissive. For example, when the coffee was brought to the table the girl ask permission to prepare it for him, and upon receiving it poured the cream and stirred in the sugar. A simple act, but I could see her radiating positive energy as she performed it.

Often, a responsible, but still new, dominant will do the task himself. He has probably been raised as a gentleman and it is almost second nature for him to hold open the door for her (as opposed to the other way around), or hold her chair, etc. But by doing so he misses out on an important opportunity for her to be allowed to express her submission in a socially acceptable manner. Since such opportunities are rare he must learn to take advantage of them.

The best way that this can be accomplished is through the assignment of disciplines. These act not only as a framework of behaviour, but also as a ongoing reminder of the nature of the relationship, and as a lovely bit of eroticisim. Every dominant should make it his business to assign some disciplines to his girl, even simple things like waiting for permission to eat, or sit at the table, etc. But, and this is the important part, once assigned it is the responsibility of the dominant to monitor their performance, and most importantly to give the girl the chance to perform them. IOW - if you tell a girl that she will prepare your coffee, don't go doing it for yourself! This confuses her and can lead to problems.

Another mistake new dominants make is assigning way too many disciplines. So many that they become impossible to monitor. Trust me, in this case less is often more. Pick a few to start with. Then after awhile if you want more layer them on, but always do so carefully and with an understanding that you, the dominant, have a role to play in this as well. Properly done, they are a wonderful way to maintain the integrity of a D/s relationship.

Plus, they are sexy as all get out.

Be seeing you,

On the nature of punishment - Part 2

Greetings all,

I shall continue from where I left off.

Spare the rod, spoil the sub.

When submissives fail in their service they need some way to atone. Punishment allows the submissive to move past their failure to forgiveness. For a submissive, requesting punishment is not just following a protocol. They require it. Often, they are desperate for it. Care must be taken when refusing these requests. To do so will often place a submissive into a limbo-like state between punishment and forgiveness. This will be emotionally draining and often prevent them from properly executing their duties. Unless you know the submissive well, a better alternative is to execute the punishment.

Punishment also provides easily understood boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Submissives quickly learn what they will, and will not, be permitted. The relationship will therefore always contain an element of formality. Formality can be both erotic, and therapeutic.

In addition, the dominant may be angry with her. The punishment provides an opportunity for that anger to be expressed and dissipated. There is an implicit “safety-valve” factor in the process of punishment that should not be overlooked. Anger will not accumulate over time, building to dangerous levels.

Of course, the responsible dominant is aware that after the punishment is completed, they too must be willing to forgive and let go of the infraction. To continually remind the submissive of their failure after the fact is cruel. It also lessens the value of the punishment. If the submissive suspects that the punishment will not lead to forgiveness, then its effectiveness is greatly reduced.

Therefore the act of punishment provides important emotional outlets for both the dominant and the submissive. Though I find it interesting to note how, like with the attractors, they are asymmetrical.

When should the dominant punish the submissive? The short answer is, of course, when she fails in her service or breaks a rule.

There are two basic forms of failure. The first is a deliberate act. This is when the submissive makes a conscious decision not to satisfy a discipline or task. There are a variety of reasons for this abnormal behaviour, each requiring a different solution.

In the case of the masochistic submissive, they may wish a physical beating. Giving them what they desire therefore reinforces the unacceptable behaviour. Clearly a punishment for this behaviour is essential, but in order to satisfy the requirement of suffering, it is necessary to develop a penalty that is not desired. In my experience both isolation and withdrawal of service work effectively. One might also consider a hiatus from the pain infliction routines that are being sought. I will have more to say on the forms of punishment below.

Another reason for deliberate failure is testing the limits of acceptable behaviour. In other words, how much leeway does their dominant permit? Here the dominant has a choice. If the behaviour is acceptable, then no punishment is required. Otherwise the submissive should be punished. Once again, the punishment must be seen as a penalty.

A third reason for deliberate failure may be an unresolved conflict between the dominant and submissive. The failure of service is a signal of this issue. Here a punishment is unlikely to resolve the conflict. A dominant may recognize this issue when the submissive keeps repeatedly making the same mistake, or when their attitude changes. At this point, discussion is required between the parties involved. Or, either party may terminate the relationship.

The final type of deliberate failure is when a task is beyond the capability of the submissive. Frequently dominants may assign disciplines that simply cannot be performed, or require experience that the submissive has not yet acquired. Some dominants will punish for these failures. My own preference is to forgive such errors without punishment. Of course, this leads to a discussion on goal settings for the submissive, but I suspect that will require another paper.

The second form of failure is a non-deliberate act. Here the submissive has simply forgotten to perform an assigned discipline or task. Punishment is always required in such cases. The submissive will feel despondent and unhappy with their failure. They require a mechanism that will allow them to be forgiven, to release their negative feelings, and return to service. Simply being forgiven by the dominant is rarely sufficient. They must forgive themselves as well and to do this they require some form of atonement.

NB: The concluding section of this article will be posted this week.

Be seeing you.

Provoking the submissive response

Greetings all,

Someone wrote to me asking about how I provoke the submissive response. Good question, but not an easy answer. Before I tell you how I responded, it is probably a good idea to discuss and define the "submissive response."

Ask any experienced submissive and she will understand the idea of having her submissive response provoked. It is a feeling in the pit of the stomach, in the mind, and also in the cunt. It can manifest as a desire to kneel at a man's feet, or a desire to serve, or the heat of arousal. But it would be incorrect to say that the submissive response is nothing more than finding someone who turns you on. The submissive response speaks to the nature of the person. It is about energy flow, and a sense of exhilaration in being in the presence of someone who matches your own power.

Strangely, the dominant may not even be aware that this is going on. Many of the girls I have mentored/trained speak about meeting men who are not in the scene, who have no idea about the concepts of D/s, and who frankly have little interest in learning. Yet they are dominant in nature and just being close to them is often enough to provoke the response.

You will note that I have been speaking of experienced submissives. The unexperienced submissive is a very different sort of thing. Without an understanding of the process, she may create defensive walls around her so she does not have to display her desire. Or, she may wonder why some men seem to attract her powerfully, without being able to see the commonality between them. This may lead her to making ill-considered choices in terms of her partners. Yet, once she has really had her submission provoked for the first time, sensed its intensity, and understands what is happening, she is in a much better position to understand the dynamics of interactions with the various men she may meet.

Is it possible for a dominant to deliberately provoked this response in a female? Yes it is. Here is what I wrote in response to the question:

In general, there are no easy answers because there is
nothing I can point to and say - "do this"

What I can say is that it is a mixture of confidence,
arrogance, intelligence, command and sexuality.
Perhaps, most importantly, is making the woman aware
of who is in charge sexually, and by this I mean
waiting until she pleads for it. If you let a woman
know that you are hungry for her, then it will be
difficult to control her.

It is in eye contact, the way she is touched, the way
she is spoken to. It is many things, yet nothing that
I can say definitively since my techniques vary from
female to female. Yet, I also seem to have an almost
instinctual feeling for what will work. I am sorry
that I can not be more precise.

Peter Masters in his "Control Book" talks at length about this process. I would make it required reading for any new dominant. Of course I am speaking of doing this sort of thing deliberately, which as I mentioned is not always the case. Sometimes, it is as simple as the right two people, matched in energy and power, to be physically close to each other.

Be seeing you,

Being a responsible sadist

Greetings all,

I've used the phrase "responsible sadist" a few times since I have started this blog. I thought it might be time to define what I mean.

The term "sadist" normally conjures up an image of a raving madman, or calculating pychopath, bent on inflicting the most outlandish and brutal of pain on his (rarely hers) unwilling victim. This image is perpetuated in our news media, fiction, movies, tv, etc. After enough exposure the population comes to believe that:

- Sadists are mentally imbalanced individuals, with deep physiological problems, probably stemming from the fact that there mothers did not love thm
- Any victim is suitable fodder for a sadist's terrible desires
- There is no way for a "normal" person to be a sadist
- Sadists are evil
- etc.

Strangely, most of these impressions and conclusions are in-keeping with the last sexual bogeyman we had, the homosexual. Go back and look at the media concerning gays prior to say 1970 or so and you will see them cast in much the same light. They were considered mentally ill individuals who needed, more than anything else, to be cured, to be made normal. Nowadays this sort of argument seems ludicrous, yet back then it was taken as gospel. Gays were therefore forced to stay in the closet, meet in secret places, and yes many of them were taken advantage of in one way or the other.

I would suggest that the same thing applies to those whose sexual preference is sadistic in orientation (or masochistic for that matter). IOW - I see nothing wrong with being sadistic, so long as one behaves in a responsible manner.

Once you have determined that you become sexually aroused at the thought of using extreme sensations to stimulate your partner, how then can you become responsible? I would suggest the following rules:

- It must be consensual. This is an absolute. It is wrongful to engage in S&M activities with any partner who has not previously agreed. Anything else is abuse and immoral, imo.

- Be honest. The responsible dominant accepts who he (she) is. While one need not wear a label to that effect, there is also no need to pretend to be anything else than what you are. If one is starting with a new partner, let them know as soon as possible.

- Educate yourself. When dealing with the extreme, one must understand how things operate. The consequences of engaging in activities that you do not fully understand are simply too serious to be entered into lightly. Not only does this include understanding your equipment, but also how the human body reacts to sensations, how to be safe, first aid techniques, etc. The more you understand, the better prepared you will be to handle the unexpected. If possible, find someone to train you in different techniques, don't try and do it all yourself. Through education you will learn how to be safe with your partner. Remember, they are trusting you to look after them.

- Know your partner. As I have mentioned, different masochists can handle different levels of pain. Do not expect one size to fit all. Learn their limits and respect them. If you want something more extreme, find another partner.

- Start slow. When beginning with a new partner don't start with the most extreme. Start slow, learn their threshold and boundaries, and layer on new sensations incrementally.

- Be tolerant of critique. After a scene, make sure you speak to your partner about their reaction. Learn from what they tell you, and adapt accordingly.

The sadist is an individual whose sexual preference is to stimulate their parter by the application of what many would label as pain. The responsible sadist is one who can do this in a method that is safe, sane, and consensual.

Be seeing you,

Dimensions of Submission - Redux

Greetings all,

One of the comments made by a reader (and thanks to all for your comments, they are much appreciated), was to the effect that a submissive might willingly tolerate sadistic behaviours on the part of her dominant as a way of providing service. Since the performance of service is at the heart of the submissive, it seems logical that she would accept things, even if she did not enjoy them, because they would please her dominant.

Of course, this would not make her a masochist, but rather a submissive willing to go to any lengths to service the desires and will of her dominant. Some might refer to this as a "sacrifice."

I think this is a rather important issue. The concept of self-sacrfice in the service of another is not new, nor is it unique to the D/s experience. It is all around us every day. In fact I would venture to guess that all of us have at one time or another sacrificed our desires for another, be it a child, a parent, a friend, a god, etc. I believe it is part of what makes us human that will allow us to perform these altruistic acts.

Yet, in the case of the deep submissive this ability to sublimate their own position in service to another is rather special. So yes, I can certainly see how a submissive might offer her body for the pains and pleasures which her dominant would visit for her, needing no more motivation than the knowledge that it would be pleasing. In fact, I have been with girls who have expressed exactly that sentiment to me - "Use me for your pleasure. Do not consider my own. My satisfaction is in service, and knowing I have been pleasing."

And of course, it is not just in the area of sexuality that this can occur. There are many disciplines and rituals which a dominant may require of a submissive which may not be the most enjoyable or pleasing to her. Yet she performs them.

But offering ones body in service is not the same as craving extreme sensation for sexual satisfaction. A fine line perhaps, but one which I see as being critical in the understanding of the difference between the submissive and the masochist.

As I have mentioned, I am both dominant and consider myself a responsible sadist. Therefore, I tend to seek out submissive females who are oriented to sexually to masochisim. Happily, there appear to be quite a few of them out there.

Segue: I have added a photo at the bottom of the blog for those who might care to scroll down.

Be seeing you,