Submission vs. Escape

Greetings all,

I have often heard submissives speak of the “freedom of the ropes" or the “freedom of the chains.” They speak of a loss of responsibility when held captive in bondage, and how this allows them to simply respond to whatever stimulus is applied, without having to be concerned with their response. Quite literally, they are held in the moment.

But is freedom of the ropes a true submission, or is it simply a desire to escape the roles and responsibilities of our daily life? For that matter, is the deeply submissive female really being true to her nature, or is she simply seeking a path that will allow her to run away from the stresses and tensions which are an integral part of our existence? The seduction of having all decisions made by another, and only have to do what one is told will obviously appeal to some segment of the population. How then can we tell if the person is actually submissive by nature, or looking for a way to avoid some of the more stressful aspects of daily life?

I believe that the difference can be found in the behaviour of the person on question, by examining their behaviour both within and without a D/s relationship. The true well-balanced submissive will be able to exist in either environment, though she will have an obvious preference to be within a D/s relationship. The female looking to escape will be unable to exist in either environment. She will find the stress of life in a non-D/s relationship something she wishes to escape from, yet at the same time she will find the boundaries and frameworks of the D/s relationship to be confining and threatening. Whatever is motivating her need to escape she will not find the answer with a D/s lifestyle, although she may find temporary relief in the occasional scene.

To be successful a female submissive must be well-balanced, self-assured, and filled with self-esteem. Of course this is not easy. Events will often conspire to make her doubt herself, and her sense of worth. For those who seek a partner and can not find one, this self-doubt can be a challenge. Yet, in her deepest heart she knows nature, and has not only accepted it, but also the consequences of accepting it. Ultimately, she must realize that with or without a partner, she will persevere.

The female who is simply seeking to escape does not, cannot, have this inner confidence. She still does not know who she is, and therefore can not find any place which suits her for more than a short period of time. Until she can confront her fear (whatever that is), it will be difficult for her to move forward. Dealing with these issues, in part, is what mentoring is about for the unawakened submissive female.

Be seeing you,

Playing, Owning, Mentoring

Greetings all,

A dominant fellow I know sent me an email the other day. He was considering the idea of mentoring a girl. It is not as if he is desperate for a women, he has a lovely little piece of submissive female flesh at his disposal. In fact, she is the one who suggested he consider the idea.

She is a good girl, always looking for a way to be pleasing to him.

IAE – he knows that I have mentored a few girls in my time and wrote to me to ask about my experiences and to ask a few questions.

This was part of my reply. I have done some editing so it will make sense here.

It is very important that you appreciate the difference between mentoring a female, owning a second female, and simply playing with other females.

Playing with another girl is generally not a problem, so long as everyone is aware that it is playing and that nothing is really hidden. The trick here is to make sure that playtime, does not become an affair. The new girl will want more and more of your time, and you will have to keep her in her place. Too, you will need a way to assure your current girl that the new girl is only a toy, and nothing more. This can be accomplished in a variety of ways. My general rule of advice to stay safe here, is to make sure that the girl you wish to play with is experienced, that she understands the boundaries, and knows what it means to be a plaything.

Owning another girl is a very different thing. To do such a thing would require that you and your current girl are very tight with each other, since it will be a challenge for her to accept. Not impossible, but difficult. Unless you are really certain you wish to own a second female, with all the responsibilities such a thing entails, then I would advise you to be careful. While it is possible to own more than one girl at a time, it can also be a real challenge. It looks good on paper, but the reality is often quite different.

Mentoring is quite a bit different from either playing or ownership. Mentoring is about developing a submissive, and helping her to accept herself. It is time consuming, intense, and challenging. The reward is not ownership, but the self-gratification of helping another find their path. It is not about sex, or about having other females around the house. True, I have had sex with many of the girls I have mentored, in part as a payment for my efforts, but mostly to help the girl develop, since to my way of thinking no submissive can be considered truly developed until her inner slut has been released. How this can be done varies from girl to girl. And as I said, such sex can be quite enjoyable and pleasing, but it can not be the OBJECTIVE of the mentoring.

Most importantly a mentor must always remember that while he promotes and protects the girl under his control, he is always aware that he must never possess her. IOW - he should be aware that most girls will want to attach very closely to their mentor. Sometimes they will even fall in love with their mentor. Setting the right expectations early is critical. In fact, I sometimes believe that by setting such ground rules early, and keeping to them, the mentor helps to build the trusting relationship so critical to the development of the submissive.

Some thoughts on Trust in the D/s Dynamic

Greetings all,

In earlier posts I have written about the three pillars on which a D/s relationship is based. For the dominant these are honesty, trust and responsibility. For the submissive they are honesty, trust and obedience. The asymmetrical nature of these pillars are a reflection of the D/s dynamic, equal but different.

Honesty is fairly straightforward. One either is, or is not, honest. I see no middle ground. Honesty is not truth, honesty is only the way one perceives truth, which is a very different thing. Honesty does not mean that one must disclose everything, only that when one does speak it is done honestly.

Responsibility I have spoken about at length in others posts. Obedience is also fairly straightforward, though I should mention that obedience is no excuse for stupidity. Just because you are told to do something stupid does not mean you. That is why the submissive’s requirements for obedience is counterbalanced by the dominant’s requirement to be responsible.

And then there is trust.

What is trust? For me, to trust another is to become vulnerable. When we trust, it means we have faith that the other will not use what we have given them in a harmful or maladaptive manner. To trust means to reveal these vulnerabilities, or assets, knowing that there is a danger, yet accepting it.

To trust someone in one thing, does not mean that one will trust them in all things. I might trust my doctor to give me a proper medical diagnosis, but I would hardly trust him/her to look after my finances. Therefore trust is not all encompassing, it is selective.

Trust is also a process. It does not spring fully formed. Trust is built in layers from our interactions with others. We develop a sense of the trustworthiness of another by first trusting them with small, inconsequential things, before we reveal larger, more serious things. This process takes time.

Why is trust so critical to the D/s dynamic? To my way of thinking it is because D/s deals with some of the most intimate, private and personal of things. Too, so many people feel reluctant to even admit that they have D/s oriented thoughts. Such a revelation in itself requires a fair amount of trust. But beyond this, the submissive must trust the dominant to do what is best. Lacking the right to make any of their own decisions, the submissive places their trust in the dominant to make good choices, assist in their development, not abuse them, be honest and responsible, etc.

If the trust does not exist then it is impossible for a solid relationship to be built.

This need for trust is why I make most submissives wait so long before I will accept them into a formal relationship. They must be prepared to offer me their trust and this can not be done when we still do not know each other very well. And I must learn to trust them, that they will bring their issues to me and that they will behave in a manner in keeping with my expectations.

Those involved in more mundane (vanilla) relationships can probably get by without the same degree of trust (though it won’t be so much fun), but to not have trust in a D/s relationship, and in a Mentor/submissive relationship in particular, is to invite terrible disaster. The Mentor is part therapist, part dominant, part Master, part confidant, etc. It is not possible to develop the submissive without the trust being present. It is not possible to own/master/dominate a submissive without trust being present.

Worse, when the trust is broken (even if it is only the perception of it being broken), the consequences to the relationship are often catastrophic and irrevocable. As it is, most submissives begin feeling somewhat sensitive about their newly discovered nature. They do not want anyone to know (not friends, not family, etc). All of their life they have been conditioned to believe that to be submissive is wrongful, shameful, bordering on sinful. Then they trust someone (a dominant) with their true nature. They are concerned if their trust in the other is warranted. The same applies to a dominant extending his trust to the submissive, for many associate dominance with sadism, which is not really well looked upon in our society.

Having said all this, I must also acknowledge the difficulty that exists in creating and maintaining these trusting relationships, in particular when one is dealing with someone through the imperfect medium of the Internet. That is why it is so important to move slowly, to develop the trust in thin layers, and not to try and run before one can crawl.

Peace.

Back after some thinking

Greetings all,

Well, it has been some time since my last entry and I suppose that deserves an explanation.

Over the last few months I have had what my best be described as a “crises of faith” with respect to my online D/s-oriented writing. Simply put, has all of this effort on my part done any good at all?

I use to have a web site, which I paid for myself (but which I had a great deal of help in creating and maintaining), that was devoted to both fictional and non-fictional aspects of D/s. I kept the site going for close to three years and in the end I closed it because it was not attracting the attention I had hoped for. This led me to consider writing a blog as perhaps a better way to outreach.

But coming up with something new and different to write about every day proved to be a challenge. More so, since I was not really getting a great deal of feedback. Yes, I was getting some comments from some readers, but by and large these have been people I have known for quite some time. Frankly, I was hoping to pick up some new readership, and after two months of posting every day, I didn’t see it.

At the same time as all of this was going on I began to question the value of the online mentoring work I have been doing. I have always felt that to properly mentor/advice/train a submissive one needed to be able to do so in a hands-on sort of way. For a variety of reasons I have tried over the last seven years or so to see if it was possible to mentor submissives over the Internet, with the occasional phone call. My initial reaction was that perhaps it was indeed possible to help submissives develop in this manner, but recent events made me question my assumptions, I seemed to be doing more harm than good.

Finally, there were events going on in my private life that required my direct attention, and this was taking time away from my online life. There were not enough hours in the day for me to do both.

One of the first online activities to be cut was writing in my blog.

Have I missed the writing? I suppose the answer is a qualified yes. I enjoy writing, both fiction and non-fiction but I have found that I need some inspiration to decide what it is I should write about. Normally, for non-fictional writing, this has come from the questions and comments of others. Lacking that, I tend to find I have much less to say.

But, some events over the last few days have compelled me to start writing again. How long will it last? I do not know. But I will give it another try, and see what happens.

So, for any of you who have been waiting for more of my ramblings… I’m back.

Peace.

The Single Submissive - Addendum 2

Greetings all,

In my third part to the Single Submissive series there was a comment by reader about a rather common problem, namely a married female who discovers she is submissive, that her husband is not dominant, and further, that he is unwilling to let her search for her own path.

Does this happen frequently? I do not know. Certainly many married people commit adultery, for a wide variety of reasons. Often a woman's husband may think of her as frigid and un-responding, little knowing that in another's arms she burns with a need so fierce that she will beg for even the smallest touch. The man who arouses this passion in her may not even be aware that he is dominant. All he knows is that there are certain women he can easily seduce and control, and have them perform his every wish. To her husband she may appear to be cold, controlling, domineering, etc, while to her lover she is an eager slave.

It is probably true that most women who engage in extra-marital affairs are not deeply submissive, and if they are, probably are not even aware of the fact. OTOH - there is a percentage who through one means or the other (generally the Internet)discover the world of BDSM, and in particular determine that they are a submissive female.

My first suggestion, and my strongest one, is to be honest with ones spouse. Assuming that the relationship is built on love and trust, it seems obvious to me that the husband will want his wife to be happy, and in that context will offer his permission for her to explore the lifestyle. Above all, I always advocate honesty in relationships, having learned from hard experience the consequence of not doing so. Being honest will avoid a great deal of trouble down the line.

Yet I know some readers will tell me that this is simply not possible. On the one hand they feel a burning need to explore their submissive nature, while on the other hand they know their husband will not only reject their request, but may also become highly suspicious, thereby preventing any opportunity at all, which might have been possible if they had not said anything. I appreciate this perspective. Women may be reluctant to make D/s the breaking point of their marriage.

Segue: Though I sometimes wonder what would happen if they said to their mate: "John, I am going to do this thing. It is part of me which I must discover. I am telling you now so it is all out in the open. I hope you understand why I must do this. I am willing to accept the consequences if you do not agree." Such occurrences are probably rare, eh?

Assuming she does not do this, then there is only two options available. Either she chooses to do nothing about it (and suffers), or she will cheat on her husband (and probably suffer worse at some later point). I see no happy alternative.

Because, at the end of the day, a girl may not have two Masters.

I will write about this more in an upcoming blog.

Be seeing you,

The Single Submissive - Addendum 1

Greetings all,

I had two comments on the final part of my "Single Submissive" series. The first was posted as a public comment, while the second was sent to me privately. Both provoked some thought and so I thought I would make a small final addition to my notes on this subject.

The private email I received suggested that my final section of the series appeared to be written too quickly and without enough consideration. I thought about this comment a great deal, asking myself if the writer was correct.

It is true that I listed those things that, imo, would be the most commonly available outlets for the expression of a female's submissive nature. But upon further reflection, I asked myself if perhaps there was another, deeper, layer that had to be examined.

This led me to wonder about the spirit, or perhaps spirituality, of the female Submissive. Given my own experience in training/mentoring girls it seems obvious that the D/s relationship provides the Submissive with a level of satisfaction that is difficult, if not impossible, to obtain any other way (with the possible exception of religious service and even that would still be different). If this is the case, then it follows that there can be no substitute for a lifestyle relationship for the experienced submissive.

Simply put, she will either find a relationship, or she is likely to suffer some amount of emotional unbalance. The process of finding a partner is a topic for another blog entry. I will try to focus on the management of the suffering.

Buddhism teaches that life is filled with attachments, and that attachments are pain. By this, I believe what is meant is that it is inevitable that we shall form attachments in our lives, and the bond to these attachments will be, sooner or later, broken. When they are broken, there is pain.

So the first lesson in managing the suffering of single Submissive is an acknowledgement that there will be pain. Sooner or later the relationship will end, and there is nothing that can be done about that. I think that accepting this basic tenant might help to prepare the Submissive for the inevitable, and therefore perhaps more properly set her expectations.

Do some D/s relationships last forever? I am quite sure that some do. Some Dominants fall in love with their Submissive, marry them, and spend the rest of their days with them. Perhaps there are others where the Submissive joins an already existing D/s couple as a second girl, and this relationship could last many many years. But, otoh, many D/s relationships are much more temporary.

If there is a common refrain that I hear from many submissives, it is how they are waiting for the "One." The One is their Love Master, he who will see them for the full submissive/slave they are, take them for his own, and keep them forever. Some women become so fixated on this, that each new Dominant that comes into their life becomes their potential One. When it turns out not to be the case (as most often happens), they are terribly disappointed. It is true that some girls find their One, but in my experience more do not than do. Perhaps learning this will also help set expectations.

In addition, I think a Submissive would be wise to consider her health, age, finances, and other attributes which might make her more or less appealing to a Dominant. If a Submissive is set on trying to find the right dominant for her, she must understand what she has to offer, and within what context, to best determine who might find her of interest. For example, a 50 year old Submissive, regardless of experience, would probably not be of interest to a 30 year old Dominant for the purpose of a long term relationship.

So, it seems to me that the setting of expectations is critical in managing the degree to which the Submissive will suffer. She may fill her time with some of the activities that I mentioned in my last blog entry, but as mentioned, it is unlikely that any of these will really replace the deep spirituality of being at the feet of a Dominant. She must accept this.

Recently, a girl who I once trained became involved in an interesting project - the training of Dominant. This fellow was very new to the lifestyle, and really didn't know how to handle a Submissive. She signed a six month contract with man, agreeing to be his submissive, and teach him the ropes. In may senses it worked out quite well. He learned a great deal, and she obtained the satisfaction of not only doing an excellent job, but also giving her the opportunity to feel the D/s spirit which she had been longing for. Of course, the ending was rather difficulty, as one would expect, but still, for that six month period, things were going well.

Perhaps the experienced Submissive has a role to play in the development of new Dominants? I can tell you that, as a Dominant, trying to train another is quite a challenge. In this situation, men do not often wish to learn from other men. But they will learn from a woman.

Perhaps some enterprising Submissive female out there will take up the challenge and start a web site with the intent of linking single Submissives with newly emerging Dominant males. There is an interesting idea, eh?

Yet, no matter how I examine it, there are no easy answers for the single Submissive. In the final analysis, perhaps all I can offer is that the degree to which she chooses to suffer will be of her own making. She must be prepared in her heart to accept that she may never find her "One." Yet, at the same time she must be prepared to try and seek out partners to interact with, even though she knows the relationships may not be exactly what she is looking for, still she will try to find the worth in it, for the opportunity to experience the D/s dynamic.

She must be careful of course, and guard her heart. The best D/s relationships take a long long time to develop, there is nothing quick about them. The experienced Submissive is aware of this fact, and she must try to prevent herself from becoming too emotionally vulnerable too early in the relationship. This will be a challenge for her, since it is her nature to want to give everything. But she must not do this to soon.

And when the relationship ends, as most of them will, I think it is important for the Submissive to focus on the positive rather than the negative. By this I mean, to retain the good memories, the positive events, the happy times, and to let go of the negative moments as much as possible. By doing this, she builds a wonderful storehouse of good memories that may be a comfort during those periods when she is alone.

Hmmm.. this has gone on a good deal longer than I had intended, I think I will answer the public comment in another blog entry.

Be seeing you,

The Single Submissive - Part 3

Greetings all,

I began this series of notes on the Single Submissive with a brief discussion on the different classifications which I use. The second note examined the particular cases of the unprovoked and the newly awakened submissive. In this final note I will examine the much more complex issues facing the single, experienced Submissive.

The experienced submissive is a female who has learned to accept her nature, and one who has probably been involved in a D/s lifestyle relationship, or some sort of long term training/mentoring relationship. She has a keen understanding of the D/s process, not only from a theoretical perspective, but also from her own personal experience. From this she has learned the value of the D/s dynamic both in terms of how it satisfies, as well as how it brings her balance. It is therefore natural that she should seek a partner, even desperately crave one, who can provide the dominant energy she requires.

Sadly, it has been my experience that there appear to be many more submissive females out there, than there are powerfully dominant males to partner with them. There is a great deal of speculation as to why this may be the case (which perhaps is a topic for another blog entry) but for the purposes of this note it is simply enough to recognize that the experienced Submissive may have some difficulty finding a partner.

So, what can she do?

What follows then are some of my suggestions. I do not recommend them for everyone, nor do I suggest you try them. Rather, what I am saying is that these are things I have found have worked in the past for others, or things I have heard of which others claim have worked for them.

- The local scene: For some submissives, becoming involved in the local BDSM scene is has numerous advantages. It allows them to meet others who might potentially become their partners. It provides a community of others to whom they can share intimacies. It offers the opportunity to volunteer work (a form of service). It allows for a wide variety of “play” experiences which, if not the real thing, allow for the illusion to be created for some period of time.

- Community work: Volunteer work is an useful outlet for the submissive need to serve. This volunteer work can take on many forms, both secular or religious. A submissive can obtain a great deal of satisfaction from doing this sort of work.

- On-line relationships: While hardly near as satisfying as a real-world D/s relationship there is still value in an on-line D/s relationship. The boundaries of the relationship can be easily set, the partners do not need to be in the same location, and the submissive can be assigned a wide variety of tasks that will mostly satisfy her needs. However, the lack of physical contact is obviously a significant problem. While this may sometimes be alleviated by the occasional meeting, ultimately the submissive will need something more complete to satisfy.

- Creative pastimes: Be it writing, art, music, etc, there is no question in my mind that the submissive is filled with wonderfully creative energy. Finding a way to express this energy, assuming she is not in a lifestyle relationship, might be through the creative process. While this approach is more of a patch than a fix (given that it only lasts as long as the creative juices are flowing) it can be of some benefit.

So, there you have my list. If you are a single submissive perhaps you have some other ideas which you would like to share. Feel free to post them to the comment section.

Be seeing you,