Rules and Rituals

Greetings all,

In response to my post on Brainwashing one reader (Rob) asked for some more information on phrases, rituals and disciplines.

I have written in previous blog entries about the need for disciplines. I have also written about one discipline in particular (Third Person Form).

During the days of my web site, I wrote an essay on the use of Rules and Rituals within the D/s Dynamic. This was written in collaboration with Felicia. I am copying it here since I feel it would help answer Rob's question.

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Rules and Rituals in the D/s Lifestyle

By Mackenzie Cross and Felicia
Copyright © 2004
All rights reserved

A dominant/submissive lifestyle is based upon the willing transfer of power between the submissive and the dominant. Submissives are drawn to a dominant's strength, power and charisma. They respond by yielding to the dominant who, in turn, empowers them to live more fully according to their nature. The manifestation of this power dynamic is the dominant’s control of the submissive. And the most effective method of maintaining control in a way that will enhance the experience for both parties is to establish a valuable framework of rules and rituals.

Rules and rituals are long-standing tools used to control the behaviours of an individual or group. Wedding ceremonies, the armed services, funerals, club membership, family gatherings, even childbirth are all steeped in ritual. They provide structure and create a sense of belonging. They can also be a powerful reminder of who we are and help keep us in mind of our commitments, either to others or to ourselves.

In a dominant/submissive relationship, rules and rituals are used to train and focus the mind, to provide boundaries and establish an atmosphere where the submissive feels secure and cared for. They help create a safe environment in which the submissive is able to express their need to be controlled, and the dominant is able to fulfill the desire to control. The observance of rules and rituals also serves to center the submissive's concentration on service and on the dominant, while the dominant is kept in mind of their responsibility toward the submissive through monitoring and enforcement.

In addition, such a framework provides an important mechanism in the maintenance of the D/s relationship, without which it will lose its structure and eventually fall into chaos and discord.

It may be helpful to begin with some clear definitions. Rules dictate what shall or shall not be done. Rituals indicate the manner that service is to be performed or acknowledgement given.

It is important for the submissive to recognize the difference between a dominant and a bully or tyrant. It is easy for someone bigger and stronger to force their will upon another, but their underlying motivation is the distinguishing factor. The bully controls out of fear, or a deep insecurity, which demands they micro-manage another. They require obedience in order to validate themselves. Ironically, this normally leads them to being dependent on their victim. Clearly, this sort of behaviour is abuse.

On the other hand dominants are motivated by a deep desire to develop and enhance their submissives. They possess a high degree of self-confidence and self-control. And though the dominant gains great satisfaction from managing a submissive, ultimately, the submissive’s service is neither needed nor required. If the submissive chooses to leave, which is their fundamental right, the dominant will send them on their way without hindrance. The bully is incapable of responding in this manner. They will threaten, follow and, in some tragic cases, violently respond to the departure of the other. This is not the behaviour of a dominant.

It is just as important to understand the difference between a submissive and a victim. Not surprisingly, the prime differentiator is power. At one end is the victim, stripped of all power, living in fear and desperation. At the other end of the scale is the submissive, sexually charged, energized, and highly motivated through their accomplishments.

Submission is as exhilarating an exercise of power to the submissive as control is to the dominant. The fully realized submissive thrives in this state and seeks it at every turn. The responsible dominant understands the implications of this statement: Unless the state of submission is continually reinforced, the submissive will feel neglected and dissatisfied. And while the nature, number and priority of rules and rituals will vary, one thing is abundantly clear, they are essential for a healthy D/s relationship.

Rules

For some, reading erotic stories or novels with a D/s theme may be the extent of their exposure to this lifestyle. Such stories are exciting and arousing, and the submissives in them are usually required to follow certain rules designed to keep them sexually charged and remind them they are to be constantly available for sexual use. However, rules about sexuality only represent a subset of a comprehensive framework touching all aspects of daily life for those following a D/s lifestyle.

Rules will normally fit into one of two categories. The first has to do with the pleasure of the dominant, the so-called “do me” rules. The purpose of this sort of rule is simple, the dominant’s gratification. By observing these, the submissive remains focused on the dominant’s pleasure - a key component of D/s interaction.

The second category has to do with the development of the submissive. Part of the responsibility in the management of a submissive includes allowing them to overcome challenges, enhancing their abilities, and guiding them in the understanding and use of their power. These rules can be quite varied and may include appearance, physical and intellectual development, or even mannerisms.

Obviously most dominants find it much easier to create the first sort of rule. Personal gratification and the ability to arrange one’s house to one’s own satisfaction are fundamental prerogatives of a dominant. However, the responsible dominant develops a keen appreciation of both the strengths and weaknesses of a particular submissive then designs rules best suited to their individual needs.

It should be noted that the dominant is not required to explain the reasons behind setting any rules, though they may choose to do so. The submissive must trust their dominant is doing the right thing or the arrangement will not work.

How many rules are required? A great deal will depend on the desired outcome. More rules will lead to tighter control over the submissive and, for the dominant, a greater sense of power. For those who have only recently discovered their dominant nature, this ability to control can be an intoxicating seduction. After all, obedience is a primary form of power flow between the dominant and submissive. One might be tempted to drink too deeply of this elixir of power by constantly giving the submissive more rules to obey. However, nothing is free, and, as with any fine drink, there is a price to be paid for consuming too much.

In a previous article about Power Transfer (not yet published here), it was stated that with the exercise of power comes the requirement of responsibility. In this context, more rules require more monitoring. A dominant who sets rules and then does not monitor their execution is behaving in an irresponsible manner and sends mixed signals to the submissive. If a rule is important enough to set, it should be important enough to track. From the submissive’s perspective, any other behaviour would not only be confusing, but throw into doubt the trustworthiness of the dominant.

Beyond monitoring, more rules will also require more attention to punishments. When rules are broken, corrective action is required, but if broken rules are “let go” or ignored by the dominant, the submissive will feel abandoned or rejected. A responsible dominant will not only set rules, they will enforce their compliance. This may be difficult in love-based D/s relationships because it is hard to punish a loved one, but it is necessary and must not be neglected.

Remember, a submissive is not a victim. They have consensually agreed to enter the relationship, deeply motivated by their need to serve and the intoxicating attraction of power. The dominant’s administration and management of rules are a key element in allowing them to satisfy this need. To fail to provide a consistent, reasonable and appropriate set of rules is to fail in one’s responsibility to the submissive.

In general, more rules are required at the beginning of the relationship than when it has matured. Setting many rules early on allows the submissive to gain an appreciation of the character of the dominant, while simultaneously providing the dominant the opportunity to observe the submissive’s abilities. In addition, new D/s relationships are often very exciting. Rules provide a way for this excitement to be expressed.

It should be noted that submissives in training require a very tight regime of rules. The new submissive, unsure and still insecure, will find comfort in a closely enforced set of rules. They represent a safe outlet for the expression of submission. However, over time, as the strength and integrity of the individuals are revealed, the rules should be reviewed and may often be reduced, though one must be careful not to become too lax.

A well-trained submissive should already be familiar with basic rules of behaviour and feel comfortable with their submissive nature. Though they may not require as many rules as a new submissive, they will still need evaluation and development. Rules are an important part of that process.

How to Develop Rules

Rules may not be easy to follow, but they should be simple. Some examples are: You will rise when I come into the room; you will not eat until given permission; you will lock the garage door each night; you will exercise for thirty minutes each day. As rules are an expression of how the dominant wishes the submissive to behave they will tend to be as varied as the dominants who set them. It would be impossible to develop a generic list of rules to be used in the management of all submissives. However, we can provide some general guidelines for their creation and enforcement.

Be prepared:
The dominant should always have their rules ready. They are not to be made up as one goes along, although new ones can be added as needed. This may prove a challenge for the new dominant. We strongly suggest you take some time to develop a core set of rules before taking on a submissive. Also, the new dominant must be aware one cannot enforce one’s rules upon another’s submissive. “A slave cannot have two masters.” Service may be offered to another dominant, but a submissive can only yield to one person at a time.

Be consistent:
Since rules are so critical to the submissive, they should not be changed on a whim or without due notice. Rules are not to be used as a way of "toying" with a submissive. Again, the new dominant may become so seduced by giving and enforcing rules they could create conflicting conditions that cannot be resolved. Submissives should question these inconsistencies. (Though carefully, to be sure. The new dominant may not react well to having their rules questioned.) We also suggest the rules be written down to avoid confusion, and the consequences of breaking them should be known up front. Likewise, submissives must avoid trying to “read between the lines” when it comes to rules. Only well-trained or highly experienced submissives can interpret rules with any consistent success. When in doubt, a submissive should always ask for direction.

Be conscientious:
As previously mentioned, rules create a responsibility for the dominant. One must verify they are being followed and punish when they are broken, otherwise they mean nothing. Be careful of having too many rules. Submissives will often test their dominants by breaking rules to see if they are paying attention. In such situations, punishment must be harsh and swift. Failure to do so will usually be interpreted as disinterest, not tolerance, and will damage the relationship.

Rituals

There are several benefits to the establishment and performance of rituals. They reinforce the D/s relationship by allowing both the submissive and the dominant to affirm their commitment and involvement. As rituals are performed and acknowledged, the flow of power is facilitated and balance is maintained. It is the D/s equivalent of saying "I love you".

Since rituals are one of the conduits of power flow between the dominant and the submissive, lack of ritual, therefore, can act as a dam, hindering smooth interaction between the individuals. Removal of an established ritual can also act as a powerful form of punishment. A submissive may not realize just how important a simple ritual is until it is removed.

If power flow is the language of submission, then rituals become its vocabulary.

Let’s consider a ritual for serving tea. Such a ritual might entail kneeling on the dominant’s right side, holding the cup in a certain manner, dipping the head with lowered eyes and smiling with parted lips before withdrawing. While the submissive will strive to perform the ritual to perfection, the dominant may give some latitude in its execution. For example, by parting the lips more and adding a heavier breath, a signal of intense need may be expressed. By waiting an extra moment before withdrawing, a wish to speak may be communicated, or perhaps this can be done by a light touch. Alternatively, if the submissive notices the dominant is particularly tired and stressed, the ritual may be performed as quietly as possible as a signal of empathy.

Another example is a ritual of acknowledgment. While each dominant will have their own variant (crossed wrists, bowed head, etc.), the purpose of the ritual will always be the same – a requirement for the submissive to indicate they have heard a command and agree to perform it. However, by varying the speed of response and facial expression, many more things can be communicated. Body language is a well-understood form of communication, and it is of particular importance in the context of D/s rituals.

Of course, the experienced dominant learns to monitor the execution of rituals carefully in order to pick up the full set of nuances being expressed. In long-term relationships, it is expected the dominant will be able to read many things from these observations, including the submissive’s attitude and state of mind. In some cases, specific communications might be read such as a need to speak, a need to depart, bringing attention to a particular situation, and so forth.

There is another, somewhat lighter side to the performance of rituals. They can have the delightful effect of turning mundane tasks into erotic expressions. Normal, everyday activities can be enhanced by the imposition of ritual. Fetching a magazine becomes an erotic act when it is presented in a specific fashion while kneeling. Drinking wine has layers of meaning added when it is required to kiss the glass and nod before sipping. Even the simple act of eating can be lifted to an erotic experience if it is only permitted after a discrete signal from the dominant. The more complex the rituals, the more the submissive must keep focused on the dominant, which reinforces the state of submission at all times. When a well-designed ritual is performed correctly, the effect can be an amazing rush of power.

Even without overt physical stimulation, the sensation of power transfer is highly sexual in nature. This is not too surprising given that many submissives have very strong sex drives. Rituals can have the wonderful side effect of keeping the submissive in a constant state of arousal, something which an equally sexual dominant should not be adverse to.

How to Develop Rituals

The experienced dominant will appreciate the requirement for some flexibility, or interpretation, on the part of the submissive by allowing some leeway in the execution of rituals. While there may be a temptation to enforce very strict adherence to a ritual, it must be understood that this can stifle a submissive’s natural creativity and impulsiveness. Of course, much depends on what the dominant wishes to develop in the submissive’s character. But, in general, if the ritual is too rigid, the dominant should not be surprised if the submissive grows bored with its execution after awhile.

Keep in mind that if the ritual has been well designed, the submissive will feel a personal sense of accomplishment and satisfaction from the correct performance of it. This is one measure of the success of the ritual.

Here are a few guidelines for the development of rituals.

Be thoughtful:
The responsible dominant is aware of just how serious a ritual is to a submissive. They will be performed religiously. Therefore, they require much forethought and must be given with care.

Be purposeful:
Rituals can be simple or complex, discrete or demonstrative, and it will likely be necessary to have a variety of rituals for various occasions and situations or social contexts. For example, once a submissive becomes aware they have displeased their dominant, they will need to beg for punishment. (Please refer to the section on begging in the Punishment article. NB: These essays have not yet been posted on my blog) In such instances, the dominant may require a ritual designed to impress the severity of the submissive's actions upon them, such as weeping and crawling while carrying a punishment tool between the teeth. However, this would not be appropriate in a public place. Nevertheless, some immediate recognition of the situation would be required and a more discrete ritual would still allow the submissive to express remorse and need for the reconciliation of punishment without embarrassing the dominant.

Several factors must be considered when developing a ritual. Let’s use an erotic feeding ritual to examine some of the finer points.

First, it is important to remember that rituals help to train and focus the submissive's mind, prepare their body, and build their confidence while serving the dominant. They also underscore the significance of the D/s relationship and serve as a reminder of the submissive’s place in relation to the dominant. All aspects of the ritual should be designed with these things in mind. The feeding ritual, in particular, builds trust and emphasizes the fact that the dominant will care for them in all ways, even with food.

Additional items to consider:

· Position. Will the submissive be kneeling or sitting? This may be the basis of two separate rituals. Perhaps the dominant would like the submissive to kneel when they are alone at home and sit when in public at a restaurant.

· Hands. Are the hands to be crossed on the lap, behind the neck, behind the back, or resting on the tabletop? Will they be allowed to use their hands at all? A different ritual altogether may be required if the submissive is going to be hand fed.

· Legs. If kneeling, will the dominant allow thighs to touch or must they remain open? If sitting, will the submissive be permitted to cross their legs or ankles? Uncrossed legs are often a signal of openness and readiness.

· Eyes. Normally, dominants prefer a submissive’s eyes to be averted and downcast. This is a physiological anchor which keeps them in full submission.

· Lips. It is common to require a submissive’s lips be slightly parted. It’s an erotic gesture and is also used to remind them of their openness. They should stay parted except for chewing and swallowing. In general, the submissive should accept food on the tongue and close their teeth first, then the lips. Sometimes they might playfully bite on the fork and engage in a small tug of war with the dominant, a gentle flirtation.

· Sounds. The submissive may be required to ask for a bite, or, alternatively, they may be under a discipline of silence. Small sounds may be permitted as expressions of gratitude. The submissive should always be grateful for the attentions of the dominant.

· Facial expression. Many times a dominant enjoys it when a submissive expresses feelings of satisfaction with the taste of the food, their gratitude at being served, and arousal from performance of the ritual.

· Breathing. It may be helpful to let the submissive know when to inhale and exhale if there will be any restriction of movement.

· Intent. In order for the ritual to be a success, the intent and mindset of the submissive must be articulated and maintained.

Be patient:

Rituals require practice. A submissive is unlikely to perform a new ritual correctly the first time. In order to be successful, the dominant must have a clear visualization of the ritual and to correct the submissive until the movements are performed to perfection.

Summary

Rules and rituals constitute an important part of a dominant/submissive relationship. They provide the framework which sustains the service and discipline needs of the submissive as well as fulfilling the dominant’s desire for expression of power and control. While the submissive may not always be rewarded for good performance, it is important they be punished if any rules are broken.

Rituals provide the vocabulary for expression of devotion and eroticisation of the mundane. They must be crafted with care, designed with the psychology of submission and power in mind, and enforced with dedication.

A D/s relationship is a symbiosis of power flow. Bereft of rules and rituals, such a life is like music without a key, chaotic and haphazard. However, with the structure provided by carefully crafted rules and rituals which are enforced and acknowledged, a D/s life is like a symphony, beautiful and satisfying.